Jelly: The Lit Firework
by captjo
Summary: Jen has moved back to Manchester and is trying to leave her Hollyoaks life behind, with the help of her wayward best friend Helen. No matter how hard you try, the past will always catch up with you.
1. Chapter 1

_I've added in some tracks I think might fit with the chapters - just like watching it on TV! :)_

_Accompanying soundtrack: No Doubt - "Ex-Girlfriend"_

Jen watched Lynsey as she walked away from the table, knowing it would be last time she saw her. It was Lyns choice to walk away and no amount of protesting or pleading by Jen would change the situation. With a heavy heart she picked at the muffin on the table in front of her, breaking it into crumbs, but eating nothing.

It had been a year now since Tilly, and Jen had been through a succession of other women to try and get over her. Lyns was the latest in her line of potentials who'd upped and runaway. Jen's constant need to rediscover the closeness she had with Tilly meant that people were either scared off too soon and they just didn't need that kind of clingy with baggage, or Jen sabotaged herself by finding fault in the smallest of things. "Can't blame them" Jen muttered to herself, "I'd run a mile if I met me acting like me". No-one could match up to Tilly. She frowned at her own self-deprecation, and pushing her chair backwards, got up to order another coffee. Spotting the Free Wi-Fi sign, she pulled her phone out of her pocket, unlocked it, and loaded up the dating website. _'I'd hate to think how hard it used to be to be gay and date 20 years ago without this technology'_ she thought, _'It's hard enough to find people now, especially the well-adjusted ones without a barrel full of cats in tow'_. Shutting the website, Jen searches the phone address book for a familiar number.

"H – Help me! I'm so bored of doing this crap on my own again. Its soul destroying and I'm destined to be that crazy old cat lady who chases off the local kids with a broom!" Jen moaned.

"I'm guessing that you've screwed it up again then, huh Jen?"

"Well, it wasn't my fault this time, H, honest. I mean she had 4 sugars in her coffee and an unnatural penchant for Girls Allowed – it's not normal!"

"You're not normal, Jen you bloody idiot. You need to learn to see past the outer layer!"

"Last time I looked past the outer layer it didn't work out so well thought, did it? So I'm just protecting myself from the impending inevitable. And If I do look further, then I end up thinking there's a real possibility again, and something pushes it down the crapper in the blink of an eye. They can't handle me."

"That's because you're a 0-60 person" H said bluntly, "You don't stop and see what's happening around you, and enjoy the journey. It's doesn't have to be all or nothing you know."

"Meh, what do you know, H, I'm taking advice from a perpetual singleton again….", Jen sighed.

"Oi!", said H indignantly, "singleton or not, I'm very successful with the ladies because I know exactly what I want. I don't want a relationship, I make that clear, the women still love me because they want to catch the uncatchable, but I'm honest and upfront about everything. When I'm ready to buy a pipe and slippers and settle down, you'll be the first to know about it, darling!"

"Sod off, H. Look, I need to re-write my profile, so I need YOU to be on your best form and impart your wisdom. Are you gonna be in later, I'll come by?"

"Yeah I'll be in, bring wine – I'll cook something if you like and we'll let some of that guard drop a little before we start reinventing the wheel. 7?"

"Deal, see you then".

Jen had known H – or Helen to give her her proper name – since school. She was Jen's oldest friend, and knew her better than anyone, renown for not taking any crap and being the kind of person who knows what she wants and goes and gets it. The pair enjoyed plenty of sarcastic conversations and constant threw put-downs at each other, but they we so similar it was a friendship that would last forever.

'_Damn her'_ Jen thought, _'Why don't I have that confidence!'_, as she finished her coffee and headed towards the door. Three hours to 7 - plenty of time to head home for a shower and change.


	2. Chapter 2

_Accompanying soundtrack: Gigolo Aunts - "Where I Find My Heaven"_

Ringing the buzzer promptly on time, Jen sees H bound down the hallway and fling open the door, revealing a huge grin.

"Gilmore, get your arse inside, it's freezing!".

As Jen stepped into the house, H threw her arms around her and gave her a big hug and a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

"Get off me wench!", shouted Jen, struggling to get free from H's bear hug.

"You're such a bloody mard!" retorted H, slowly releasing her grip before grabbing the wine and bounding back towards the lounge.

Jen sighed, dropping her bag onto the hall table, "You're going to be like this all night, aren't you?" she grunted.

Ignoring her comment completely, H called back to Jen "C',mon Miss Punctual, Tea is served. Jen headed into the lounge to find a decent spread of food on the table and the wine pouring in full flow.

"You need to relax a little", H said, nodding towards a chair. "One cannot engage fully one's brain until it has the capacity to shut all the other crap out…. And we do that with WINE!".

Jen looked over and smiled. As bonkers and generally annoying as H was, she was just trying to take Jen's mind off everything. "Good job I brought two bottles then, eh?", she replied, and H just grinned at her.

Whilst they were eating, H told her about last night's adventures. "I swear she was like only 18 or something and I was half worried I was gonna be her first and then she'd never leave and I'd end up hiding out somewhere until she actually left and then I'd never be able answer my door again."

Jen looked over, raising her eyebrows. "Firstly…I love you but you're a complete nightmare you know that! You should be long done with cherry picking missy! I don't know how you do it, how you have the gall to just… you know… use them for sex. I mean, what satisfaction do you get out of it?"

"I get plenty of…" H started but Jen interrupted, "and you know damn well what I mean by that, none of your sordid talk here lady! We're still pre-watershed, and I've not drunk nearly enough wine yet!"

H looked over, pulling a fake wounded face and shaking her head, "Jen Jen Jen, it's what suits me at the moment. I don't need the hassle of trying to deal with a relationship just now. My career is doing well and I just don't see the need to constantly have someone else I need to factor into my daily activities. Men do it all the time, so why shouldn't I?". H had a fair point, It was double standards for Jen to challenge her about her 'cavorting' when it was common practise by many.

"That doesn't make it right though. I can't just flick a switch in my head…I just don't think I could handle the emotional detachment though. The best part about it is the build-up and the anticipation", Jen sighed.

"Well don't knock it until you've tried it!" replied H, giving her a cheeky wink, and following it with "My build up and anticipation just happens over a matter of hours, rather than weeks. And who knows, after some more wine tonight, maybe you and I…."

"Eww, not on your bloody life!" Jen interrupted, 99% sure H was just winding her up.

"Oi Gilmore, you'd be lucky to have me!" squeaked H pretending to be offended. Jen grinned from ear to ear and threw one of the wine bottle corks at H, bouncing it off the end of her nose. Jen burst out laughing, and was soon joined by H, and Jen finally felt herself starting to relax a bit more.

After the meal, Jen and H sit on the sofa with the laptop, laughing at videos of hamsters flinging themselves out of their wheels. "This is lovely, Jen, but time to stop putting off the inevitable", said H, taking control of the laptop and putting in the dating website address.

"I hate these things", whined Jen, "it all feels so clinical and contrived."

"It IS clinical and contrived, Jen, that's why you love it so. You are incapable of doing the random and spontaneous thing, and have some inbuilt desire to know all about your potential mate before even speaking a word to them!"

'_Busted again'_ thought Jen. There was safety in knowing what someone looked like and a certain amount of information about that individual before even considering if they have potential. "I like to think of it as Safety First_,_ to make sure they're not some kind of serial killer" she said sheepishly.

H looked at her and raised a single eyebrow, "And you know what serial killers look like, do you? First-hand experience have we – do they wear special identification badges now?" she said smugly.

"Well based on some of my experiences with some of the women on here I'm, pretty sure I can spot them from a mile off now. Besides, I can always add in to my profile _'Serial Killers not welcome'_", Jen laughed.

"Oh, well why didn't you say so", H quipped, poking fun, "I'm sure they'll all give you a massively wide birth from now on then", and stuck her tongue out at Jen.

"Shut it you! Let's just write this 'about me' bit and then this horror will be done with."

"You're just too cute when you're embarrassed, Jen", H responds. "OK, so let's see – just give me some words to describe yourself and then we'll flesh it out into something coherent."

"Hmmmm", this wasn't going to be easy for Jen. "Caring, considerate, thoughtful, interesting…. Erm…"

"…Neurotic" chipped in H.

Jen punched her squarely in the arm, "Not helping you dick."

It took some time and what felt like hundreds of revisions to get to a point where Jen was relatively happy with what they'd written. "Urgh, thank God", said H, "I was losing the will to live".

"You misery!," said Jen with a gentle smile, "Do you want your best friend to be a crazy single woman all her life, who will have no one else to talk to but YOU, and will come round to your house ALL THE TIME so I can live my life vicariously through yours. In fact, screw the website, I'll just move in to your spare room".

"On yer bike Gilmore!" said H, "we've written the damn thing now, the pain is over, let's start finding you some tail".

"You're such an old romantic", said Jen, mimicking a swoon. "Let's see what's on offer then."

The pair started to trawl through the profiles that fitted Jen's preferences.

Aged between 20-30, dark hair, average height, average build. It was a standard template that Jen had been using for many years to guide her, thinking that it was best to stick with what she knew.

"God, there are so many desperate people on here, Jen".

"Yeah, and seemingly I'm one of them! So pipe down you, constructive comments only from now on please…"

"Maybe you shouldn't narrow down your search fields? Maybe you should just see who's online now and see if any of them catch your eye. Let's try and cast a line outside of the pond for a while…. Take you out of your comfort zone a little bit".

"I'm quite happy IN the comfort zone, thank you very much. The name 'Comfort Zone' is deliberately indicative of somewhere that's quite nice to be, and is not supposed to be scary – I like not scary", snarked Jen.

H looked over at Jen, and whilst Jen was busy with a 'What's that look for' shoulder shrug, she'd reset the search preferences. "Damnit H!".

"OK, your only limits are by area. I don't want you travelling miles to find your Miss Right, because that'll mean I end up travelling miles to meet her and socialise", H said flashing a smile.

H, as she always was, was right again, and as Jen was looking through the profiles she started to appreciate some women that looked different to her usual preferred type. "I hate you for always being right", Jen growled at H, and H just laughed.

"Rome wasn't built in a day, little Jen, Miss Right may take some time to appear. In the meantime meeting some new people will boost your confidence and will help you with your small-talk skills. Practise makes perfect", H grinned.

"Thank you for your wise words, Yoda! But I'm done with all this for today", Jen said shutting down the screen. "The spare bed's made up, isn't it?"

H nodded and Jen bid her goodnight.

As she lay trying to sleep she still felt anxiety about having to look again for a new girlfriend, but knew that H was right, and that opportunity will present itself when it feels like it and not before. And probably when she least expected it, and then it'd be completely out of her control. Wishing she could just be like H and not care about the how and when she watched the hands of the clock tick past until she fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

_Accompanying soundtrack: Kirsty MacColl – "In These Shoes?"_

Morning arrived and Jen got up to find H had already gone to work.

'_I don't know how she does it'_ Jen muttered to herself, looking for some tablets, knowing she shouldn't drink on a school night. She made a coffee and some toast and put on some clean clothes. Jen had at least half a dozen sets of clothes at H's as she ended up staying over far too often. _'Good job too, can't have the kids seeing me in the same outfit as yesterday'_ as she threw on a jacket.

Jen was an Art teacher at a local comprehensive. She'd been here a year after leaving Chester following the whole Tilly situation. Whilst Hollyoaks Sixth Form hadn't found out about their relationship, it was just too hard to stay there and face the rumours and inquisitions from people like Diane. Instead she'd just made a clean break of it and moved back to Manchester. Just far enough to put Chester out of her mind, and back to where she grew up. It felt safe, reliable, and more importantly, she was closer to her best friend H.

Jen had never considered getting together with H. H was too much of a free spirit for Jen to ever be able to be comfortable with. They worked perfectly as best friends and there was no point in ever risking that. When they met there was an instant connection with their friendship which seemed unlikely because they were quite opposite in many ways, but it worked because in others they were identical. H always wanted to get herself into trouble, whether by accident or by design. Jen was her sensible conscience, who quite often found herself on the outskirts of her own comfort zone trying to reign in her rebel-rousing partner in crime.

The day dragged slowly, and it was a full day of lessons without a break. Almost too tired by the time the last school bell finally rang, Jen wondered what was on the menu tonight. It was Friday so the chances of H not having a date already were slim. Normally she'd have flaked, but the desire to forget the working day with drinks and her best friend was easily a winner.

"What are you doing tonight?" Jen texted H.

"That depends what on offer" came a swift reply.

"Let's go out, H. Try and meet _real_ people instead of pixels on a screen. Teach me some of your carefree 'dating' skills and let's see what happens."

"You're on, Gilmore, but God help you if you cramp my style. I've got a reputation to uphold you know".

"Meet you at 9, usual place".

Jen smiled to herself, _'Let's watch the master at work and see what happens'_.


	4. Chapter 4

_Accompanying soundtrack: Five – "If Ya Getting Down"_

They met as agreed, and the bar wasn't too busy considering it was a Friday. Jen had attempted to make an effort, although this was usually restricted to a flowery dress, ankle boots and a short denim jacket. H on the other hand looked no different than usual. Jeans, fitted t-shirt, trainers, leather jacket and well-styled short hair. She was almost too casual for going out, but this seemed to have been 'the look' of recent, and it was clearly working for her.

Jen chewed at the end of her straw nervously, something which H didn't miss.

"You", she said quietly, "need to forget about women and just realise that you and I are out for a nice evening, where we will simply appreciate the beauty that is around us if it happens to be there. This is not a challenge where if you don't pull then you've failed. It's about helping you reinvent yourself – find your confidence with a few little tricks I'm going to teach you."

Jen looked at H inquisitively. "How can anyone be as confident all the time like you are?"

"Jen, babes, it's not always about actual confidence – sometimes it's just about pretending to be confident. And subsequently pretending to be confident actually helps you develop more real actual confidence! You need to develop an alter-ego to find out what your other side is actually like. Your brash, sexy side that you keep so painfully well hidden but must be under there somewhere! So tonight, why don't you pretend you're me", H continued. "I don't mean that I'm not going to be me to give you the edge, but I want you to pretend you're someone like me. Be confident - not afraid of throwing in a few cheesy lines, willing to put their neck on the line but isn't bothered if it gets chopped off a few times. And eye contact – oh my, the number one is eye contact – I can reduce a woman to a shaking wreck with the right look alone. You need to look at these girls and smile. They WILL smile I back I guarantee."

"But… I'll feel so stupid. I can't do that… I'm too self-conscious", Jen stuttered.

"If you stop thinking like you, and start thinking like me then that won't even be an issue. At some point tonight I want you to talk to someone at the bar whilst you're buying a drink – offer to buy them one even! But the key is that you simply walk away when you've got your drink. You're dropping some subtle, and some not so subtle signs. Helps if you fancy them of course, but 9 times out of 10 is a success and they'll come over to you after a short while if you maintain the eye contact." Jen looked mortified. Without giving her a chance to speak, H continued.

"Your problem, Jen, is that you wait for people to come to you. That makes you THEIR choice. You, of course, feel flattered but this means that she is never YOUR choice. You need to turn the tables, babygirl. You need to let them know you're interested in them – it's their turn to feel flattered. I'm successful with women because I'm confident with my actions knowing I'll get the result I want. If you're making the moves, you're controlling the outcome, and you know how you like to be in control". She winked with a naughty glint.

Jen looked down at her feet as if she was thinking over H's comments. She looked back up and straight at H, looking her square in the eye. "Alright, you win. I'll give it a go. I have nothing to lose I guess, except possibly my dignity and my marbles".

H leaned in and whispered closely into her ear "It's questionable as to whether they were ever present anyway".

It didn't take H long to spot someone she wanted to make a bee-line for.

"Just watch me – take it in. I'm just going to get her number tonight, and then she'll keep for another time. You're my priority tonight….", and with that she skipped over to the blonde that caught her eye.

H's body language was a master class in the art of female persuasion. She slipped onto the bar stool next to the blonde and, as bold as brass, just started a conversation with her via a compliment. In no time the blonde had an ear to ear smile on her face and whilst H was paying for her drink she was writing down her number on a napkin. Touching her hand, H slowly extracted the napkin, winked, and slid off the barstool and back towards Jen.

"You are some kind of sodding wizard" said Jen, despondent at the challenge ahead of her.

"I am not – it's all in the confidence, babe. I believe she'll give me her number if I ask for it, so when I ask for it she sees no fear in my eyes. Confidence is sexy!"

H sees the disbelief in Jen's eyes "Look, just go chat to someone and see what happens, woman! I'm giving you my full attention tonight, but I've not got anything to work with yet. Which is a shame, because you've got plenty to work with…" and she bit her lip and raised an eyebrow, looking Jen up and down. Jen spotted how H complimented her with the intention of making her feel good, with a slightly suggestive edge. It was starting to make a bit of sense.

"Oi, Pack it in! Damn cheesy you are H. OK… strike whilst the iron is hot, the first quarry is.." Jen said looking around, "…the short brunette on the left", and taking a deep breath she tentatively set off towards her.

She stood next to her at the bar.

"Er… Hi, could I buy you a drink?"

Looking Jen up and down, "I'm OK thanks" the brunette said, turning back to the barman.

'_Fuck'_ thought Jen. '_0 for 1'_ and she quickly sloped off back towards H.

"What the hell was that?!" H barked.

"Oh God, I dunno!" Jen said looking at the floor again.

"'Er' is not an opening line you numpty. No bloody confidence that's what! Put your mind into it for God's sake. You didn't give her a reason to want to find out anything more about you, or what you look like without clothes!"

"Again - all about sex with you H, huh?"

"Shut up and have another go you jerk".

Jen looked around the room again. "OK, next time she goes to the bar I'll try, but I'm so out of my comfort zone it's not even funny", she said, pointing to a woman sitting by the window.

"And when you do, you better get me another bloody drink 'cos this is going to be a long night".

It was around 20 minutes before the woman approached the bar, and Jen, having run a thousand scenarios and opening lines in her head thought, _'I can't do it'. _Seeing her frozen to her chair, H kicked her in the shin.

"It's now or never" and nodded towards the woman. Jen reluctantly raised herself from her chair and headed in the woman's direction.

Standing just behind the woman, Jen heard her order her drink, and then she moved alongside. "Bacardi and coke, a good choice!" she said and beamed widely at the woman, looking straight at her eyes. To her surprise the woman responded.

"Yeah, my discerning palette hates beer and wine so spirits it is!" the woman said, smiling back.

Taken slightly aback by a positive response, Jen tried to focus on some more small talk without sounding like a complete idiot. "And of course it's a pleasure to see someone NOT ordering diet coke. I never understood the need to try and save calories when drinking anyway!" Jen realised that she'd lost the initial impact of the compliment and needed somehow to stop a derail. "Er, not that you need to watch the calories anyway, because you're pretty cute as you are".

The woman looked back "Well thank you", she said, and smiled once more. As the barman had brought her drink by now and she'd paid, she slightly raised her glass in Jen's direction and said "see ya", before walking back towards her window seat.

Hanging her head slightly, repeating "idiot, idiot, idiot" quietly to herself, she heard the barman ask "Are you being served"? Jen looked up, smiled weakly and placed her order. She then turned to look at H, who was stupidly beaming at her like a Cheshire cat. "Uh God" she mumbled, and now in receipt of the drinks headed back towards her.

"Heeeeeeey Gilmore – SCORE!"

"Not exactly my idea of score, H. Still 0 for 2 as far as I'm concerned."


	5. Chapter 5

_Accompanying soundtrack: Mel C - "Yeh Yeh Yeh"_

"Well you managed to talk to her for more than one sentence. THAT, my dear Jen, is progress. I'm gonna keep my eye on her to see if she looks over at you at any point. If she does, then you should be taking that as a sign she wants some further contact."

"I've obviously not read the lesbian dating handbook have I", Jen quips sarcastically. "Where do you get all this shit from!?"

Half laughing, H retorts with, "Based on your history and lack of general understanding of how to handle yourself around women, I'm surprised you've ever managed to have sex with anyone ever."

"Well no matter how crap I am at this whole thing, YOU'LL never pull me, because I'll never be THAT desperate." Jen Laughed, sticking out her tongue at H.

"Oi, Cheeky!" said H, mimicking the sticking out tongue. And at the same moment she spotted woman number 2 looking over at them.

"K'in 'ell Jen, she's actually looked over here. I mean, _obviously_ there's a chance it's for me…" she joked.

"Hilarious H" said Jen, "You're amazing at boosting my ego, not. Remind me again why I hang out with you?"

H feigned a hurt look. "Switch places with me idiot. If she looks back over again she needs to catch YOUR eyes, not mine. I can do this stuff with my eyes closed, but you need all the help you can get!"

"Oh my God you're so bloody bossy!" said Jen as she pulled H over towards her, swapping their positions around. She shot a careful glance towards the woman in the window.

"So, her name was…..?" enquired H, looking at the pitiful sight in front of her.

"Ah, yes, er… well I didn't exactly ask her that. I was too busy trying not to swallow my own tongue with shock when she responded back to me." H shook her head from side to side slowly and tutted.

"You know, I'm not entirely sure you're redeemable", H said, "I think you're just too far gone – beyond all hope! Destined to collect teapots and eventually appear on The Antiques Roadshow looking wild-eyed and dishevelled, with a cat lodged in your unkempt hair", she said with a wicked grin. Jen shot her a look, coupled with her usual single-eyebrow of distain.

H quit her mockery. "OK, OK, let's formulate a plan instead then. Tell me, what do want to achieve from tonight? What's your goal – your aim? If it were me, my aim is to wake up in the morning after not a lot of sleep, but still looking fabulous, and hope she buggers off early and doesn't try and spend the day with me!"

"As a notorious womaniser I'd expect nothing less of you!" Jen frowned. "However, the rest of us well-adjusted citizens are not just looking for a conveyor belt of muff! I'm actually attempting to get back into dating, and use words to facilitate conversations, rather than just grunts and moans, thank you very much." She smiled. "Let's just wait and see if she looks over again. That'll be twice and I'll take it as a positive sign, eh?"

Jen didn't have to wait long, and the next time that window woman looked over she caught Jen's eye and smiled. "Shiiiiiiiiit! She's looking over."

"Well don't look away you pillock", chimed in H, "hold her gaze and smile back". Jen smiled back at the woman. Leaning in close to her ear H whispered "Ok Miss Congeniality, let's get these wheels in motion – get over there", and reaching to her shoulder she grabbed and turned Jen towards the woman, giving her a gentle shove at the end.

"Get off me you bugger" Jen quietly hissed, stumbling forward. Straightening herself up, she smoothed down her dress, and after shooting H a wrinkled-nose glance, she grabbed her drink and slowly walked towards the woman in the window. As she approached her, the woman smiled and said "Hello again – care for a seat?"

Jen couldn't work out who was trying to be the more confident of the two. She'd made the first move but the woman had openly offered her a further greeting and a seat with her. _'Time to try and take back the control – or at least even the playing field again'_ she though. Jen sat down "Thank You", she said, smiling at the woman, "I'm Jen".

"Emma" said the woman, "Nice to meet you Jen. Does your friend not mind being left on her own for a while?"

"Ah, trust me, Helen is more than capable of spending some time alone in a bar. Although I'm pretty sure she won't be alone for long", Jen smiled, looking over at H, who was already walking across the room towards some new entertainment. Gesturing an open-palm in H's direction, "Ladies (and Gentlemen), the Mancunian Hugh Heffner", Jen declared. Emma Laughed.

Determined to maintain the conversation, Jen continued, "So, should I ask why you're sitting here on your own?

"Well, I was supposed to meet a friend, and they cancelled on me last minute. I was already here so I figured I'd just hang around for a quick drink. And then you spoke to me at the bar, and I thought maybe I'd hang around a bit longer and see if I could get your attention again." A wave of flattery washed over Jen, and she smiled back at Emma.

"Well, I'm pleased you did", said Jen raising an eyebrow and looking her up and down – employing an H special to provoke a reaction. Even in the dimmed bar lighting, Jen could see that Emma was blushing a little.

An hour passed, and some more chit-chat and flirting, and Jen could see that the bravado thing really did have some positive value. She tried to keep the tempo up and the interest level keen, hoping that Emma was enjoying the conversation and the company as much as she was, even though it was seriously challenging her to constantly be 'on'. She'd seen H leave long ago with some gullible young thing, and knew that there was nothing to drag her away as long as she wanted to be at the bar. _'Time to test the rest of the theory'_ she thought nervously.

"Listen, do you want to get out of here?"

And it was then Jen realised she'd been beaten to the punch. As she heard Emma says the words Jen herself had herself intended to say, she was slightly knocked off course. "Erm, yeah sure" stumbled Jen, "Where do you want to go?"

"How about back to mine?", Emma replied slowly.


	6. Chapter 6

_Accompanying soundtrack: Joan Jett & The Blackhearts – "Bad Reputation"_

Emma held the door open, and Jen walked into her apartment. Turning round to watch Emma close the door, she felt it impossible to resist her, and Jen sidled over, and as the door closed shut Jen pressed her body up against Emma's and started to place gentle kisses on the back of her neck whilst running her hands down her body. Emma relaxed into it and let her head fall slightly forward. Jen scooped her hands round Emma's firm buttocks, and slowly brought her hands back up, reaching her shoulders, and then turning Emma round. Inhaling deeply she placed kisses strong and hard onto Emma's lips, placing her arms completely around her and pulling her in.

Emma was running her fingers through Jen's hair, and gently tugging on it. One of Jen's favourite things and sent some little shivers down her spine. After a minute or two Jen slowly broke the kiss, a wide smile breaking out across her face, as she looked lustfully into Emma's eyes.

"I just had to do that", Jen said "And you have such a great arse!"

Emma grinned, and after a couple of seconds started to walk towards the kitchen. "Drink?" she enquired?

"Absolutely – What you got on offer?" Jen replied. _'Might as well keep the flirting going'_ she thought.

"Oh I've got plenty to choose from, there will definitely be something you're interested in", pausing, Emma winked at Jen, and finished with "…Guest's choice." And she opened a cupboard to display a pretty decent selection of spirits and wine.

"You know, I'm not sure I need a drink just now….although I can definitely see something I'm interested in" Jen said, and leant in for another kiss, gently pushing Emma back against the cupboards. She could feel her heart beating strongly in her chest as she started to touch Emma's breasts over the top of her t-shirt. Kissing Emma passionately, their tongues touching and playing, Jen moved her other hand from around Emma's shoulders and then down to the side of her stomach, slowly and firmly. Reaching her waist, Jen lingered for a minute, before sliding her hand over Emma's lower back, allowing it to rest there.

Emma moved her hands to cup Jen's face and relaxed into the embrace, tracing down the buttons on Jen's shirt and starting to unfasten them. Slowly tracing her fingers in shapes on Jen's skin, it was warm and soft to the touch as Emma moved to push Jen's shirt off her shoulders, and Jen let it fall to the floor. Moving her hands to the bottom of Emma's t-shirt, Jen grabbed the hem and raised it above Emma's head and off, also cast onto the floor.

Jen leans in to Kiss Emma's neck again, this time a little harder, nuzzling back and forth to her welcoming lips. Emma is making small pleasurable noises, and Jen is more than happy to feel things are going in the right direction.

"Do you want to take this into the bedroom?" Jen whispered into Emma's ear.

"Not just yet…" came a breathy reply, as Emma started to undo Jen's bra, which was soon also discarded onto the floor. She ran a thumb over the nipple, gasping with pleasure as it sprang into a stiff peak at her touch.

Still engaged with their lips, Emma pushed Jen gently backwards towards the island worktop in the middle of the kitchen. Lips locked she mouthed "Get Up", and patted the granite. Jen did as she was asked, and jumped up quickly. Now slightly higher than Emma, she found that was the perfect height for Emma to reach her breasts with her mouth. Running little kisses all the way down from Jen's lips, Emma positioned her way in between Jen's legs and makes her way to Jen's nipples, steadying herself with one arm round Jen's back, and the other on her knee.

Emma nibbled on Jen's nipples, gently at first, and then increasing the pressure until Jen was making small gasping moans, enjoying the pleasure which was now mixed slightly with pain. Jen was pulling Emma's head more into her chest with her arms wrapped round Emma's body, wanting to be touching every inch of her. Emma continued to make her way around Jen's body, placing little butterfly kisses at every place she stopped. Her hands made their way down Jen's thighs until she found the edge of her skirt, snuck her hands underneath it, and started to work her way back up Jen's thighs until she reached her underwear. Emma ran her fingers along the waistband of Jen's pants, letting her hand wander down the back, giving Jen's bum a good squeeze before returning to playing with the waistband of her pants.

As Jen's legs were already parted because Emma was standing in between them, Emma was able to slide her hand down the front of Jen's pants with ease. Jen let out a small gasp as Emma felt that she was already warm and damp. She ran her fingers softly along Jen's folds, caressing them slowly at first and then increasing the speed, wanting to make sure Jen was completely ready for her. Emma stopped, pushed Jen backwards slightly, and removed her underwear quickly, not wanting to keep her fingers away from Jen. As Jen sat back up, her skirt was raised and she felt the touch of the cold of the granite.

Each time Emma ran her fingers over her hot spot Jen was gasping and making more noises. She was wet and so, so ready for Emma that she could feel a fire of need burning up inside her.

"Please," Jen begged, "I want you inside me so much".

Saying nothing, Emma opened her eyes, breaking their kiss. She herself was on fire from hearing Jen getting excited by her touch. She had been so passionate yet quite gentle, and Emma knew it was time to take things to the next level.

Leaning in to rekindle the kiss, Emma simultaneously pulled Jen slightly towards her on the work surface, to make sure she had enough room. Jen grabbed Emmas hand and pushed it down between her legs - "Enough teasing" she said. Obediently Emma finally slid two fingers inside Jen, and in response Jen let out a small cry of pleasure, pushing her body closer in to Emma. Emma increased the speed of her fingers, as she started to nibble on Jen's nipples again. She could feel the heat coming from Jen's body, tasting the sweat that was running down her body.

Jen grabbed at Emma's hair, tugging it, trying to hold on, knowing she was about to explode. Jen's moans got louder and more urgent, and then Emma slid in a third finger, wanting to make sure Jen was full, whilst at the same time rubbing her thumb over Jens burgeoning warmth. This pushed Jen over the edge and she felt her ecstasy arrive in a massive wave that crashed through her body, a release she'd tried to hold back to prolong her pleasure, but was unable to because she'd reached the point of no return.

Holding Emma tightly, Jen gasped, trying to regain her breathing, yet still planting small kisses onto her lips.

Looking straight into Emma's big eyes, Jen sighed "Ohhh God that was good."

Emma laughed and looked at Jen. Jen jumped down off the worktop still wearing just her skirt and she held out her hand and gave Emma a come hither look. Emma took her hand, their eye contact not breaking, and Jen led her to the sofa. She leaned in and kissed Emma passionately and pushed Emma down onto the seat. Leaning down she unbuttoned Emma's jeans, and pulled them impatiently off, before also removing her underwear.

Emma opened her mouth and let Jen's tongue in, both of them fighting for power, but Emma eventually giving in. Jen pushed Emma down on to her back and climbed on top of her. Jen ran her hands all over Emma's body, as Emma grabbed her in closer. Emma moaned when she felt Jen's leg between hers and allowed herself to get lost in the deep, passionate kiss they were tightly engaged in.

Jen moved herself down Emma's body, laying small kisses at every point, and took a nipple in her mouth, toying with the other with her fingers. Emma moaned again, and Jen moved her hand further down. She followed suit with her kisses, trailing down Emma's body until she reached her hairline. Momentarily she paused and looked up to see Emma's face, her eyes were closed and her breathing was slightly elevated. Taking her in her mouth, Jen set about tasting Emma, licking and nuzzling her. Nibbling and teasing with her tongue, sucking, flicking and darting around, eagerly seeking to increase Emma's response to her actions. Feeling Emma's response, Jen moved a hand down and gently slid her fingers into a very ready and waiting Emma. Emma growled with pleasure, and Jen didn't waste any time in increasing the intensity of her actions.

It was obvious to Jen that Emma wouldn't be able to last long as Jen saw Emma grasping the sofa cushions, knuckles white, body arching to her touch.

"Come for me, Emma. I know you're enjoying my touch, come for me now".

Jen's words sent Emma into an overwhelming frenzy of passion and she lost control, coming quickly and powerfully, pushing her body fully into Jen, Jen not ceasing her actions until she was sure Emma was done. Jen moved up and held Emma in her arms, Emma still shaking from the release, Jen sweating, her hair stuck to her face.

As Emma lay panting on the sofa, their bodies entwined, she managed to utter "Shit, that was hot. Wow, I really needed that. Wow."

Jen smiled, "Now I really need that drink!"


	7. Chapter 7

_Accompanying soundtrack: Fake Blood – "I think I Like It"_

When Jen thought about it, ultimately the result was the same. She initiated a conversation with a complete stranger which had a positive outcome, and at the very least she should be proud of herself for that. She couldn't wait to tell H, not for bragging rights, but just to prove that she'd taken it all on board and had lived to tell the tale.

"Gilmore! It's so nice of you to finally call me! Up to this point I assumed you were dead in a ditch".

"I am. This is my ghostly spirit ringing to haunt your arse for the rest of your days."

"Shut it, dickhead, touchscreen phones don't work for spectres."

Jen laughed, "I'm currently on my way to yours, H. I haven't been home and YOU need to get the coffee on. I will then allow you to grill me in your usual, exasperating way. Has last night's entertainment left already?"

"She was gorgeous, tits like watermelons and an arse I could bite all day, but she's long gone darling! Kettle's on, get here soon." And with that H hung up.

'_This is going to be worse than spending an afternoon with a child hocked up on sugar'_ thought Jen as she made her way across town, hoping to avoid getting too much more information from H and her nocturnal activities.

Jen arrived at H's place in a little over 30 minutes, and after a deep breath and a moment of hesitation she rang the doorbell.

The door opens "IN NOW", shrieks H and grabs Jen's jacket and pulls her inside. Pushing Jen through to the kitchen where the fresh coffee is ready on the table, H flops herself down onto a chair. "Beans, spill, now".

Jen sits down sedately, picks up her mug and takes a slow drink.

"Gilmore you rat, INFO!"

Jen smiled. "She beat me to the punch H. All that stupid preparation and I got out manoeuvred! I thought I'd pulled her and was leading the chat, and then WHAM! She invited me back to hers, straight out of left field".

"You went though, right?," H was desperate to know. "Tell me you fucked her?"

Jen pulled a face. "Seriously dude, your so damn crude! Yes, I went back to hers, and yes I slept with her. You don't need to hear any more details you perv!"

H grinned, "It's like pulling teeth talking to you sometimes. So, a one off, or are you going to see her again?"

"Well – she was cute right? But I didn't get her number. So I guess it was a one off. Although I'm not going to make a habit of it, that's for damn sure. It's way too much hard work. I can't be 'on point' all evening every evening."

She paused for a drink. "And I thought I had the control in the bar – I got the tables flipped on me. I'm confused by it all."

Seeing Jen struggling when she really didn't need to, H chipped in to break the post pick-up self-analysis. "Maybe you had the control all the way through. Your confidence made her feel wanted, and she knew that you were interested because you'd made the first move and gone over to sit with her. She knew you were a safe bet, but only because of all the leg work you'd already done. You made it happen. **You** made it happen" H smiled at Jen hoping she'd finally come round to seeing her way of thinking. "Got it?"

Breathing into her coffee, and watching the heat swirl from it, Jen nodded.

She didn't want meeting people to be a chore, she wanted it to be easy and relaxing. It always felt easy and relaxing with Emma when they were alone, even with all the shit that went round the periphery of the relationship. And that was the problem, there was the benchmark she'd set herself. Trouble was it just seemed unachievable right now. "So, where do I go from here then?"

"Onwards and upwards my dear - onwards and upwards! We are only just getting started - the chase has just begun. And besides, today is Saturday – we've got a whole 'nother night to look forward to tonight" H said, flashing a maddening grin at Jen, and getting up from her seat. "And in the meantime, let's see if there are any more delights waiting for you online," reaching over for the laptop and plonking it down in front of Jen.

The afternoon's internet lady trawl was largely unsuccessful, and Jen's head was swimming from looking at a million profiles. Using the internet to find prospective dates seemed like the most alien thing ever.

"How can I judge someone on a few lines of text and a self-photo?" Jen moaned. "Have you seen some of the things people write about themselves? Have they no pride? The main theme is going out, getting blitzed and pulling. I don't need to spend time with people who are sober for less time than they are drunk. I want a little bit of a class act, not drunken hookers."

H shot Jen _that look,_ and she shut up.

Jen wasn't particularly happy about going out again, but H wouldn't take no for an answer, and she found herself getting dressed up again.

"Move your butt, Gilmore!" H shouted from the lounge. Jen appeared in the doorway almost at the same time. "Finally", H said, but pulling a face. "We need to sort your wardrobe out lady. You need more cleavage out honey, and less prim and proper".

"I don't need everything on show, I want people to guess what's underneath", Jen said defensively.

"Yeah but you need to give them at least a little hint", and H started fussing with Jen's top, until Jen smacked her hand away.

"Always trying to touch me up, huh H?" Jen laughed.

"In your fucking dreams, Gilmore! Now door – WALK!" and H playfully smacked her on the arse as she turned towards the front door.


	8. Chapter 8

_Accompanying soundtrack: Michael Gray – "The Weekend"_

Unlike last night, their usual bar was packed, and there was barely chance of standing room, let alone a seat, and the music was on full blast

"I'm not staying here, it's just too bloody busy", mouthed H, and they headed back outside.

"That's probably for the best anyway", said Jen, wondering if last night's liaison would be in there again, and thinking that'd probably be pretty awkward. "Let's go to the student place over the road".

Still within the Gay Village, the student pub was exactly that – cheap and grubby. That didn't bother Jen much as the atmosphere was usually pretty good, and H's track record was equally successful wherever she frequented so she didn't care where they went really.

"Get me a beer Jen, I'll grab those seats", and she pointed to some in the corner. Jen watched her walk over and sit down, typically facing the room so she could check out the rest of the people. She walked over with the drinks and sat down with H.

"I thought we were supposed to be here for _me_ to look at the ladies not you", said Jen sticking her tongue out, adjusting her seat so she was half facing the room, half facing the wall.

H raised a single eyebrow, "Have you ever known me not to factor myself in the situations I engineer _just a little_?" she said, smiling broadly and making a 'teeny-weeny' gesture with her thumb and forefinger in front of her right eye.

Jen shook her head knowingly, whilst H let out a small gasp of air at an arse that was walking past. Spotting Jen scowl, she put her hands up, "ok, ok, she'll keep!" she said laughing.

It was a pleasant enough evening, the girls chatted, discussed the merits of the pubs existing customers, and spent time talking at length about_ 'what on earth are people wearing these days'. _

"Jesus, you make me feel fucking old, Jen! We're desirable 'twenty-somethings', so lighten up and get back on topic. You see anything you like in here?"

"Not really, and for those '_not really_'s to even vaguely qualify I need more booze! Another?"

"You need to ask?" said H sounding sarcastically surprised. Jen walked over to the bar, which was still busy, hoping that clutching her crisp £10 in plain view would attract quicker service. The other bar flies seemed to have drunk a lot more than she had already, and from what she overheard they sounded just plain dumb. And then she caught herself and her thoughts _'Jees, I am fucking old!'_ and promptly ordered doubles when the bar girl eventually came her way. Realising the bar girl was actually pretty cute, Jen wondered why she hadn't noticed her more earlier. She probably was only about 19, average body with short dark hair and green eyes. She was wearing a tight black shirt and baggy jeans – a perfect practice subject. Changing the note in her hand to a £20, she said "And one for yourself", and flashed a broad smile.

"Thanks", the girl said, "I'll just take a Pepsi", smiling back.

"Been busy in here tonight? It was rammed over the road." Jen continued. "I've not been in here in ages, but it's been a pleasant change."

The girl handed Jen her change, "Actually it's not quite as busy as normal, but I prefer that, I get a chance for a break and to chat to people more."

Jen took that as a positive sign.

"My name's Jen – and I'd love to stay and chat a bit, but my friend's waiting for these", she said, nodding towards the drinks, "so… could I get your number? And maybe we can have that chat when you're next free?"

The girl smiled, "Well, hello Jen, I'm Jess, and here…" she said, pausing to scribble some numbers down on to the back of a receipt, "is my number. I'm usually on different shifts, but I'll do my best to fit you in," she winked.

Jen took the paper from Jess, raising an eyebrow, and smirking. "See you later", she replied as she picked up the drinks.

"You took an age, I'm dry like a fucking desert!" she said waving her empty glass at Jen and pouting.

"Shut up you whinging bugger! You wanted me to be more assertive and… " putting down the drinks and waving the phone number in H's face,

"…I was just asserting myself with that cute barmaid."

"Ohh, nice choice actually, I'll let you off then. You coming back to pick her up when her shift finishes?"

Jen shook her head in disbelief. "I'm not _actually_ you, remember. I like the whole dating thing, you know, getting to know them, learning stuff about them a little bit before I sample the merchandise."

H sighed waving her hand, "I can't be arsed with all that right now babe, they get clingy or want more, and I only have time for me, and so I only need one thing from them. I'm basically the fucking Fonz!", and H did a thumbs up 'eeyyyyyyy' mimic.

"The Fonz was a middle aged man picking up teenagers you dirty girl. You wanna watch out, they're gonna lock you up", Jen laughed.

"I do hope so, I look ever so good in cuffs. Just nipping to the loo," and H jumped up out of her seat. Jen barely got time to respond when she realised H had seen 'The Arse' go past and was following in hot pursuit.

"Don't be long!" Jen optimistically shouted after her, with a knowing exasperation. She got out her phone, hoping that a quick surf would help pass the time, but she had barely time to look at anything.

Jen looked round slowly, and as she did her heart stopped. She'd heard a familiar voice and was hoping her ears had been playing a trick on her. Sadly she wasn't mistaken – it was a voice she'd dreaded to hear all this time. A voice she thought she'd left behind a long time ago.


	9. Chapter 9

_Accompanying soundtrack: Blacklisted Me – "Reprobate Romance"_

It was Tilly, who'd walked into the bar with George, Callum and Esther. Jen was speechless, and a wave of fear and anxiety rushed throughout her body. At this point she was grateful she was half facing the wall, as she turned fully out of sight and slumped down in her chair, dropping her head, "fuck, fuck, fuck", nervously playing with her bracelets hoping that H would get back soon. Her heart was beating at a million times an hour.

Jen could see the newly arrived foursome head to the bar out of the corner of her eye, whilst at the same time she could see H confidently striding back from the direction of the toilets.

"Wow, she is" H started, but before she could get any further Jen's now pale face interrupted.

"Can you see who's at the bar?" she said, roughly.

"What? What are you on about Jen, I was in the toilets with The Arse and", Jen cut her off abruptly.

"Shut the fuck up a minute H, and look who's at the fucking bar".

Startled by Jen's aggression she didn't attempt to reply and looked towards the bar.

"Is that…Tilly?" she exclaimed, looking perplexed.

Jen had her eyes closed and was trying to breathe. "I heard their voices first, I didn't look at them. They came in about five minutes ago. I think I'm having an actual heart attack. I can't deal with this, we have to get out of here." Stuttering over her words, she still had her eyes closed, and was visibly shaking.

"You'll hate me for saying this, but you need to face your demons, Jen. You said you were over her, and your reaction says otherwise."

"I am! Or at least I think I am. I don't know what to think. It's a shock. I haven't seen her in over a year and she hurt me so much. I don't want to have to deal with this right now! My way of managing it is to keep those awful memories under lock and key where they can't cause me any more pain." The anger was welling up inside Jen. "What the fuck is she doing here, H?" clenching her fists, eyes still firmly shut, fighting back tears. H put her hand on Jen's shoulder.

"Listen babe, why do you care? Shit happens, we bump into exes. She probably doesn't give a crap about you anymore, so why does it matter? She's old news. You're a better, stronger person than she'll ever be."

Jen finally opened her eyes, "Please, H, can we just go? I can't do this now."

Across the bar George had managed to spot H and Jen at their table. At first he wasn't sure it was them, as he'd only met Helen two or three times, but he caught a better glimpse of Jen and was quite certain. Unsure how to broach the subject, George just came straight out with it.

"Tilly…. I think, " he paused for a short while, "I think that's Jen over there."

"What!?" said Tilly, shocked, wondering if she'd heard him correctly. Callum and Esther were both listening, Esther particularly taken aback. She'd never outright blamed Jen for not stopping her that night she took an overdose, but she hated the fact that Tilly and Jen had enjoyed such a powerful emotional and sexual relationship, and that she felt like she would always be a second best when put up for comparison against Jen.

George pointed towards where Jen and Helen were. Tilly looked over, hoping he was seriously mistaken, and was crestfallen when he wasn't.

"Oh shit", she said chewing on her thumb nail. "Does she know we're here? Have you seen her looking over?"

"I've not seen Jen look over, but Helen looked over yeah. And the two of them seem to have been having a slightly heated discussion since then. So I'm pretty sure she knows we're here."

Tilly knew that to just leave would be the cowards way out. The last time she'd seen Jen, she was being escorted out of Diane's by two policemen. And no matter what her reasoning, she felt guilty that she'd been quite as cruel as she had.

"Guys, I need to go and do this, can you give me a few minutes."

Callum, Esther and George nodded, and hung back at the bar whilst Tilly walked towards Jen and Helen.

Jen picked up her phone and stood up, and as she turned around Tilly arrived behind her. Jen stared at Tilly, not knowing what to say or do.

The silence was uncomfortable an awkward.

"Hi," Tilly eventually broke the silence. Jen continued to stand motionless, heart thumping in her ears, pulse racing and palms sweating. H stayed where she was, not wanting to interfere in such a complicated and tense moment.

"George saw you from the bar, and I thought maybe I should come over and say hello."

Jen still said nothing.

"Do you hate me?" said Tilly quietly.

"It'd make things a hell of a lot easier", Jen eventually forced a reply.

Tilly sensed the anger and felt a little ashamed, knowing that she was the cause. She suspected it'd be almost impossible to exit this situation positively.

"How are you Jen? It's good to see you," she said, her voice tinged with contrition.

Jen's mouth was dry and her head was swimming. She couldn't look Tilly in the eyes.

"I… it's not a good time right now…. I have to go", Jen said, stumbling back slightly, catching her arm on a chair, before spinning round and quickly heading out of the door. Tilly considered following but H put up her hand to stop her, before running out after Jen.

Jen did one of those things you should never do when you're distraught – she separated herself from everyone. Running out of the pub she just wanted to be completely alone, and so she kept running until she was sure she was far enough away for H to not be able to find her. Not straight away anyway.

She stopped to rest against a wall and catch her breath. Struggling to breathe she clamped her eyes shut in an attempt to stall the tears, but they slowly found their way out and rolled down her cheeks. Jen opened her eyes again and stared at the lights from the passing cars through a blur. Her head was swimming and she was struggling to think about anything that made sense.

As she was leaning on the wall outside, breathing heavily, tears rolling down her cheeks, H eventually found her, and hurried over and gave her a strong hug, wrapping her arms completely round, trying to squeeze the pain away.


	10. Chapter 10

_Accompanying soundtrack: ILS – "Loving You"_

"What an idiot am I, I just fucking fell apart", said Jen remorsefully, holding her head in her hands. She had gone straight back to H's and was dealing with the aftermath of the evenings activity.

"Why the hell couldn't I hold it together, H?" Jen was comparatively composed now. "Why did I let it bother me, I don't understand?" she said, starting to feel angry at herself, and punched a cushion. "Nobody has ever gotten to me like this before."

"Jen, she meant a lot to you. You can't just switch that off if you've not dealt with it properly. It's clear you still need to get some of your shit together."

H started to sound like she knew what she was talking about, AND it seemed to make sense.

"And whilst you're doing that, well you know what they say - the best way to get over one girl is to get under another. You need to strike while the iron's hot and hit up that cute bar woman." Then predictable H reappeared, and normal service was resumed.

"Jesus H, one track mind for Christs sake."

"I can always be relied upon to the say the wrong thing," H smiled. "But seriously, you need help moving on, why not let yourself get a bit distracted? It'll make the process a whole lot easier."

H made Jen a strong cup of coffee, and sat down next to her. "Listen, Jen, what do I know about love? Fuck all. It's all just hit a run with me. I have the emotional capacity of a lettuce so I've no idea how I'd react in the same sort of situation, but what I do know is that you are the absolute opposite. When you commit yourself to something you're in it the whole hog. You actually care what happens, to yourself and the other person – that's what normal people do. That's what you do. And that's why this is doing your head in." She smiled caringly. "Look, I'm gonna hit the hay, I'll see you tomorrow", and she gave Jen another big hug, did a little wave and jumped up, did a little dance, spun round and headed towards her room.

Jen figured it was time to take stock. She stayed sitting on the sofa, in the quiet and semi-darkness, working things through. She'd reacted that way because that was her instinct, and no matter how she tried to rationalise it, she always came to the same conclusion – she still loved Tilly. Tilly had a power over she didn't even understand, couldn't even begin to decypher. And to see her, to speak to her in the bar this evening was a culmination of everything she wanted, but nothing she needed.

Then she started to think a bit more. Why was Tilly there? And with George, Callum and Esther too. Probably they were just on a night out somewhere less shit than Chester, but still, of all the places they could go to. Jen still felt a twinge of guilt over Esther. Maybe she could have guessed what Esther was really up to, but even so, there was always the 'what if'. If she'd intervened with Esther would she still be with Tilly now? That's where the end really started.

Jen opened up the laptop and went to Facebook. Obviously she was no longer friends with Tilly, but knew she could find her profile through other people. She shouldn't have allowed her curiosity to get the better of her, but knowledge is power, and she wanted answers to some of her questions the easiest way she knew how. She found Tilly's profile with ease and started to look at some of the pictures on there. There were a lot of her with Esther, and it was obvious to Jen they were new a couple. A small chill ran through her when she found a picture of them kissing, and wondered how Tilly could even think Esther could live up to everything she had with Jen. She felt a bit sick at the thought, and for a minute closed the screen.

Steeling herself she opened the laptop again, still on the same page and stared at the picture of Tilly in front of her. She was smiling and laughing, and looked happy. Then Jen realised she didn't initially recognise the location in most of the newer images, but on closer look it was Manchester. And then she looked at Tilly's given location – that was also Manchester too.

"Shit", she breathed quietly outloud, "she's bloody moved here!".

As she dug deeper it became more obvious that Tilly, Callum and George were all at university in Manchester. Esther was a year younger so she'd probably still be at Hollyoaks sixth form. She could only imagine what they must all have been saying about her when she left the bar in such a state, and she felt a bit embarrassed. That was something else she could with not having to think about, although they were kids, why should she care really.

Out of sight out of mind is a powerful tool for not really dealing with issues and just hiding them away. Jen admitted to herself that she'd never dealt with the break-up, the remorse over Esther, and the appalling way she'd conducted herself with Tilly at the school. And now they'd bumped in to each other once, and there was every chance they would bump into each other again. No amount of ignorance would supress the fact that living in the same city and both frequenting the gay village meant Tilly was no longer out of sight, and therefore no longer out of mind.

There were only really two ways that Jen could deal with this – either ignore it and spend the rest of her days in fear of bumping into Tilly again, or to deal with it head on like an adult. She could hear H had got up and saw her heading toward the kitchen for a glass of water. H's voice rang out in the quiet "You're still up? Man the fuck up, Jen!" and she headed back to her room.

Jen decided she didn't really have much choice.


	11. Chapter 11

_Accompanying soundtrack: Boss – "I Don't Give A Fuck"_

Jen woke the next morning, and immediately remembered the night before. "Urgh," she grunted, rubbing her face in her hands, not wanting to get up.

There was a soft knock on the door, and H opened it a crack and peered in.

"Good Mornin'!" she said with a quiet yet ridiculous enthusiasm.

"Morning, yes, Good, no", Jen said, blowing a raspberry at H.

"Get up dude, you don't need to dwell in your pit. Let's have a coffee and a chat. We need an action plan to get you sorted."

"H," said Jen sighing, "I don't really want to talk about that right now", shaking her head. She pulled the duvet up closer to her face til her eyes were just peeking over it.

"There's no time like the present, stop procrastinating. The sooner it's sorted, the sooner you cheer the fuck up, love!", and she dragged the duvet off Jen, and skipped out of the room. Jen was reminded how infuriating H could be sometimes. Actually, most times.

Sitting on the sofa, inhaling the smell of her coffee, H wasn't going to let Jen get off easily.

"So…" H started, "We are going to discuss this you know, whether you like it or not. And you can have input OR I can make the decisions for you."

"It was a first hurdle – the first time you see someone again. I'm over it now, I'm fine. I always do it, I always let myself get sucked in. She doesn't want to know me, H. She came over out of a sense of duty and to avoid the chance of me making a scene, nothing else. She's not interested. She's with Esther".

"Esther? That miserable angst-ridden teenager who she had a brief holiday thing with and then was moping round after her for ages until you two got together?"

"Yup".

"The one who…" she hesitated, "who y'know, took an overdose?"

"Yup".

It was a tricky subject to broach. H knew that Jen still had guilt over that.

"Wow, what the hell does she see in that timid mouse? I mean, she picked _that_ over you? She seems like the crying wank type, and compared to you, she doesn't hold a candle! Jen, if you're truly sure this was a one off, then you're not going to be wasting any more energy on her are you? The past is the past. You need to go for that bar hottie, see where that takes you. Have some fun!".

Jen looked H straight in the eyes, "I know, I know. Look, I'm done with her. It's all out of my system." H raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

"Honestly", said Jen, a smile breaking across her face, "I swear….. but I'm not arranging anything with that bar girl today – I want a day off from 'chasing skirt'. Can we do something fun, with no pressure. Pleeeease?"

"OK. But I'm watching you", H said, waggling her finger at Jen, "And if you're lying so help me you'll be properly punished. And I'm not sure you can handle what I can dish out."

Jen stuck her fingers in her ears and stuck out her tongue.

"Get dressed, man, me and you got a date with some skates".

Jen drove them to the Roller Rink, newly re-opened so still not busy enough for their inability to balance on four-wheels to be too much of an issue. It was pretty cheap for a couple of hours and skate hire, and it'd been a long time since either of them had tried something this daft.

Jen got the usual ribbing from H about the size of her feet. "I still don't get how you're a size 9, I mean, what the hell frankenfeet!"

"Shut it douche, the bigger the feet, the better the balance!" replied Jen, unaware she was about to prove this was far from true.

"Shit, how did we used to do this," squeaked H, arms flailing, trying to keep upright, "There's no brakes!"

"I'm sure this was easier when we were 13, or am I wrong?" Jen managed to utter before tumbling backwards onto her arse. "Fucks sake", she laughed, struggling to get back up on her feet. H was laughing so much she caught her left skate with her right skate, spun herself round, and ploughed into the barrier. She continued creasing with laughter whilst holding on for dear life.

Jen, finally back on her feet, arrived – at a speed faster than anticipated – and crashed into H, sending them both to the floor again. Still laughing both hauled themselves to their feet, and Jen looked at H. "Bar?"

"Fuck yes!"

Holding the barrier all the way round to the exit, the girls stumbled their way back to reclaim their shoes. Sitting in the bar, Jen with a pepsi and H with a beer, they were still giggling.

"That was the best sanitised fun I've had in ages! I mean, I could've died, but that's just part of the appeal". H grinned wildly at Jen.

"Well luckily I don't need to force you to have fun, do I? You're one of the most fun people I know. You keep me sane, and stop me turning into a complete fruitcake"

"Well, Jen my dear, you keep me on the straight and narrow. If I was left to my own devices God knows what would happen!"

"I dread to think. Prison probably. Although you'd be like a kid in a sweet shop with all those captive women trying to fend off your advances!"

"Well it's not fun unless there's a bit of a risk! _Life's_ not fun unless there's a bit of a risk."

"You're so subtle, H. OK, OK, point made, I get it" said Jen. "Look, it's a long road, right, just let me get up to the same speed as everyone else, eh? Although not your speed - I'd lose my licence!" She laughed outloud, breaking into a huge grin.

"C'mon, lets get out of here, there's a takeaway with my name on it".


	12. Chapter 12

_Accompanying soundtrack: Lucas – "With The Lid Off"_

All too soon again it was Monday morning, and another week of teaching lay ahead. Most weeks she could take it or leave it, but after the events of the weekend she was quite looking forward to being back and having the distraction. When you're trapped with your own thoughts, putting on a brave face only does so much. When you have to wrestle 30 hormonal teenagers into check you don't get much head space to yourself.

"Paul Roberts!" she barked, "Stop running in the corridor!" as a fair-haired boy rushed past her, knocking her bag. She checked her pockets for her phone to put it on silent, and saw a message from H.

"It's a new start, onwards and upwards bird! And call that bar hottie! Have a good day H x"

Jen smiled, H didn't know when to give up, but that was one of her lovable flaws. No matter what H was there looking out for you - a fist to throw in a fight, and a shoulder to cry on in a heartbreak. Everyone needs someone like that, and knowing she had that support gave Jen confidence. She looked out of the window at the sun breaking through the clouds outside, bit her lip and nodded in agreement. She suddenly felt in a good mood, and thought it was time for a bit of carpe diem.

"Hi Jess, it's Jen. You gave me your number on Saturday night. How's it going? Just wondered when you were free so we could meet up for that drink. ;)"

She rifled through her wallet to find the receipt with the number Jess scribbled on it and sent the text. She knew it was early and wouldn't have expected a reply anytime soon. She turned her phone onto silent and headed into her classroom.

Half way through her lesson Jen had felt her phone vibrate in her pocket, but she had assumed it was H would could normally be relied upon to provide some in-work amusement. When she checked her phone at break she was pleasantly surprised to see it was Jess.

"Well hello Jen, hot brunette from the bar. I'm not working on Weds if you're free and don't mind doing something on a school night? Jess x"

Jen couldn't help but feel a little flush of excitement at the response she received. It all sounded good, and although she always ended up half-sabotaging her own efforts by thinking the worst of every situation, she was determined to be positive about this one, and not let her usual doubts creep in. The brain can be a miserably annoying beast sometimes.

"Wednesday sounds great to me. How about we meet at the Retro bar at 8? Jen", she replied back.

Feeling quite chipper now, and astonished things seemed to have gone so smoothly, Jen thought it was time to let H in on the good news. "I texted her, she replied, the date's on for Wednesday. Feel free to get the inappropriate comments out of your system now – you've got one minute", Jen chirped down the phone to H.

"Oooh, action on a school night, everyone likes a bit of school mistress discipline! You should ask her to wear a school uniform."

"Are you done?"

"Not quite. Take your cane along, bend her over a table and give her a good thrashing in detention!"

Jen stayed quiet.

"Ok, now I'm done," said H.

"H, I'm reasonably certain I won't be re-enacting any of your Victorian schoolgirl fantasies whilst I'm on my date in a bar, but if that situation does arise, I'll be sure to factor in all those points. Now, if you could see your way to popping on your _practical_ head at some point, I will await your words of words of wisdom, IF you have any. See you later babe", and with that Jen hung up the phone and headed back into class as the bell rang.

The rest of the day seemed to pass reasonably quickly. H kept sending the odd inappropriate text and image to Jen mocking her impending date, which Jen felt compelled to read when she got the opportunity, one in particular making her laugh and then blush quite profusely during the Lower Sixth lesson on Picasso she had to hide out in the crafts store cupboard for a minute to regain her composure.

She began planning her date in her head, thinking about what to wear and how to act, and by the end of the day she'd worked out the whole thing, to the minute detail. She wasn't good at small talk, and she was trying to run through some topics of conversation in her head, to make sure she could manage any awkward silences. Everything H had advised her not to do, because it crushed the spontaneous element in Jen, which was so well hidden, but quite appealing when unearthed. Daydreaming a little, Jen heard the final bell ring, and as the students packed up their work and exited, she smiled to herself with anticipation.

As she walked across the car park to her car, the events of the weekend were now firmly out of Jen's mind. She couldn't help but continue to let thoughts of the impending date start to run through her mind, and couldn't help but feeling excited at the prospect.


	13. Chapter 13

_Accompanying soundtrack_: _Bob Sinclar – "Disco 2000 Selector"_

It was Tuesday after work, and Jen had agreed to go to H's with the outfit she'd prepared to make sure she had H's approval. She didn't have a choice in this, she was summoned to present arms – it was their ritual.

The door was on the latch and Jen let herself in. H was in the kitchen making some attempt at cooking.

"What on earth are you making H? It smells like arse."

"Yeah, this is take two, the first one is still smouldering in the bin."

"How does someone grow up to be so inept? You could burn water!"

With a half smirk half glare, H dismissed Jens comments, changing the subject.

"I reckon you've got a decent shot with this lass tonight. The fact she actually accepted your invitation out is a good start, and she might not even be much of a challenge."

"I appreciate your support, "she nodded at H, "but lets not run before we can walk – the first hurdle is she's got to turn up yet! At this point no chickens are counted."

"Ah yes, positivity!" scoffed H. "Jen, stop downplaying this, and just accept it for what it is. A first date, that could be lots of fun – possibly naked fun," she mouthed silently, "But whatever happens you've just got to try and enjoy it. Pessimism means that you're likely to miss out on some of the best experiences of your life, especially those which happen spontaneously."

"I know you're totally right, but then I remember all the other crappy first dates, and I can't help but wonder why we bother half of the time."

"Jen," H said sternly, fixing her gaze, "If you think about all the potential disasters that could befall you, they are far more likely to actually happen, so STOP IT! Think about the best first date you ever had, planned or unplanned, the combination of nerves, confidence, forehead slapping idiotic comments and chemistry. We can't engineer these things, they either happen or they don't."

Jen listened to H, and she couldn't help zone out slightly as she thought of that best first date. In truth, as much as she hated to admit it, it was the one with Tilly - the one where they went to Crosby Beach to look at the Gormley statues. It was just easy, although slightly contrived at first trying subtly to suggest Tilly ought to accompany her, but the rest of it was just so without complication. Conversation flowed freely, and to be in her company felt the most natural thing in the world. Jen felt sad as she thought back, knowing that something and someone precious was now just a memory.

"Jen… _Jen_… JEN…" H impatiently raised her voice each time.

"Shit, sorry, I was thinking about, er… my outfit." Jen didn't want to discuss Tilly with H again so soon, she'd promised out of sight out of mind. But it was hard not to, because she was so terribly fond of most of the memories she had of them together.

"So, what _are_ we wearing?" she said with a flighty tone in her voice.

"I don't want to overdo it so I'm just going to stick with what I know best," and Jen held up a black shirt and a flowery skirt.

"Marvellous," said H. "Could I convince you into a pair of Jeans at all? You know you have a great butt, and I think you should maximise your assets to guarantee a return on your investment," she said with a cheeky wink.

"I'm supposed to be feeling comfortable and confident, which I won't be if I wear jeans. We can't all pull off the cowboy look you know!" Jen giggled, sticking out her tongue.

"She was pretty hot though, wasn't she", H said, trying to steer Jen back down the right route of thinking. "And a rebound screw is the greatest way to help you get your thoughts in check, and it is exactly what you need".

"What am I rebounding from exactly?" Jen looked confused.

"Everything! Whatever insecurities and shit that's rolling round that little bean of yours", she tapped on Jen's forehead. "Dude, it's time to think about you for once." She smiled broadly, with a look of fondness in her eyes. Jen looked back at her best friend and knew that she always tried to say the right thing, even if came out all crass and slightly tainted.

"So tell me something - assuming she wants to knock boots, how're you gonna manage the fact you've got work the following morning? I mean, I know what I'd do….I'd be out of there before it's light, but you know if you think you might like to see her again, cos I think she's your type by the way, you're not just going to run out, are you?"

"Let me tell you something H, my darling, I have no intention of going back to hers, NOR.." she got louder as she could see H was about to interject, "of taking her back to mine. If she's interested she'll wait", Jen said, a confident grin spreading across her face.

"Oh hello, so we're playing hard to get now, are we?"

"H, it's not hard to get, it's more like _'what's the rush'_? If she wants more, then I'm just going to leave her wanting more. Then, if she wants a follow up, we'll see what happens." Jen wasn't sure if even she believed herself when she said that, and she could see H smirking.

"You're so full of shit, Jen!" and H dipped her fingers into a bowl of cold water and flicked them in Jen's face.

"HEY!" she shouted back, laughing. "So when's my bloody tea going to be ready then, eh?" realising that at this rate it was going to be never. "Or is there something I can help you with?"

"Finally," she H, "it's taken you far too long to offer! Call yourself a friend?" and she threw a bag of vegetables in Jen's direction.

Wednesday morning started the same as any normal day, but Jen had struggled to get to sleep the night before, the anticipation of the date running through her mind. When she did eventually drift off she was awoken by her alarm what felt like almost immediately.

As the day passed at college Jen's nerves increased a little. It was all positive, and in a way she enjoyed the feelings of uncertainty, but she didn't like making small talk, and wondered how much she might struggle to keep up a scintillating conversation. And until that time she had to entertain her snot-nosed students too. She hated watching the clock.


	14. Chapter 14

_Accompanying soundtrack: Saint Etienne – "We're In The City"_

Jen watched Jess walk in, and she looked good. Dressed in a black t-shirt, amply demonstrating her assets, and jeans with a loose studded belt that slouched down more than they probably ought, revealing the waist band of her pants. She had a couple of tattoos on her arms peeking out from her turned up t-shirt sleeves. She was the kind of girl your mother would not approve of, and that was never a bad thing. Jess looked over and caught Jen's eyes. Jen gave herself away slightly, Smiling broadly, eyes widening, she could feel her heart rate increased and the nerves kicked in. They fixed their stares until just before Jess reached the table Jen was sitting at.

"Hey, how're you doing?" said Jess grinning.

"Yeah, I'm good thanks, you?" replied Jen.

"Pretty good, ta, but I'm parched. Drink?"

Trying to work out what was an appropriate drink to start with, Jen decided on something middle of the road, until she could see what Jess brought back for herself.

"Some kind of fruit cider will be lovely, thanks," she replied.

Jess turned and headed towards the bar and Jen watched her go, taking the opportunity to check her out a little more subtly. She looked Jess up and down and Jen felt quite drawn to her, she watched her stride confidently away and stand at the bar with purpose and presence. Jen congratulated herself on her good taste, although it's fair to say she felt a little intimidated.

As she sat and admired Jess from afar, she wondered what the evening would hold. Conversation aside, Jen hoped there would be some chemistry between the two of them. There was certainly attraction, but the media teaches us that some of the most attractive looking people are the dullest, most vapid creatures on earth. Jess turned and walked back to where Jen was sat, put the drink down, and took a seat herself.

"It's a fruity little number, with undertones of raspberry and lime," Jess winked.

"I'm also getting cinnamon... And twigs..." Jen mocked, pretending to be a wine connoisseur, "and it sits just lovely on the palette," and she swirled the drink around in her mouth. They both laughed, and at that moment it had been the perfect ice breaker.

"So tell me Jen, what do you do that keeps you off the streets during the day?"

"For my sins," Jen replied, "I'm a teacher - an art teacher to be exact, at a local comprehensive. Some of the kids are a little rowdy, but I'm pretty sure it's easier than teaching maths!"

"A teacher huh? I've got to confess I was never the best student at school," Jess wrinkled her nose in a suggestion of her semi-apathy towards education.

"I always ended up being disciplined for some reason or other, usually for not doing my homework!"

"Ah, we've plenty like you," smirked Jen. "They just need a firm hand and support down the right track."

"Hmm yeah, well some of prefer a more vocational direction. I mean, I don't work in a bar to get rich, BUT I have some business ideas kicking around in my head I just need to formulate how they take shape. We'll see how it pans out."

Jen looked at the girl with admiration; such forthrightness and not even with a proper set of education under her belt. Jen felt a twinge of envy. She'd never had a real passion to do anything but teach, but it was a restrictive and controlling choice of employment sometimes. Art is freedom to be as one chooses, but teaching art could never been truly free.

The conversation continued apace and it flowed without interruption. Jen felt surprisingly comfortable with someone she'd never really met before.

"Listen, Jess said, "I'm just going to pop outside for a smoke, I'll be right back."

Jess stood and Jen looked up at her, replied, "I'll join you."

"You smoke?" queried Jess?

"Nope, but I don't need to sit here on my own waiting for you to come back, when I can be outside talking to you." At this point even Jen surprised herself with her actions.

As they stepped outside the bar they leant against the wall outside whilst Jess lit a cigarette. Unusually there were no other smokers out there at the same time, but it was cold, and people weren't hanging around. The flame lit up her face, and the smoke wafted past her eyes. Jess drew deeply and smiled as she lowered her cigarette. She slowly exhaled and her warm breath mixed with smoke spiralled up into the cold night sky. Jen assumed this to be the perfect opportunity and she leant in to Jess and kissed her. She pulled back, and as she caught Jess' eyes she smiled. Jen could taste the smoke in her mouth, and licked her lips. Usually she would have been a little bothered by this, but now was not the time. Jess smiled and returned the cigarette to her lips, inhaling once more, and as she exhaled it was she that leaned towards Jen and they kissed again. Jen exerted a little force and pushed Jess back onto the wall. She pulled back once again, smiled and said softly, "It's cold outside, come back and join me inside quickly," and Jen walked back inside the pub. Jess didn't take her eyes off Jen as she walked back inside.

Jen felt pretty proud of herself, mixed with great relief as she walked back to their seats. This was the second time she'd made the first move on this woman, and both times she'd read the signs correctly. She'd toyed with the idea of being assertive earlier, whilst thinking about how things might go, but until in a situation which seems right, it's impossible to plan. She sat down and picked up her glass, running the rim against her lips, waiting for Jess to return, which didn't take long.

Jess hurried back to her seat, cheeks flushed pink, _'maybe from the cold… maybe from our kiss'_ Jen thought.

"So… it seems you left me alone in the cold after all," Jess said, leaning back in her chair, resting her hand on her chin, and trailing a single finger along the line of her lips. She knew what reaction she wanted to evoke from Jen, and it was the one she achieved.

"Well, it turns out I didn't go out there to talk to you, "Jen said solemnly, fixing her gaze. "I wanted to give you something to consider that might influence your decision on whether you might like a second date with me."

"Aww, are we ready to call it a night already?" Jess pulled an over-exaggerated sad face, and looked at her watch. It was 10.45.

Jen smiled back receptively. "Unfortunately," she started, "It's a school night. And that means no matter how much I want to explore any alternatives that might be on offer, I'd rather give myself something to look forward to when I don't have to get up at 6.30am." Jen raised both her eyebrows at Jess, searching for the response she was looking for.

"OK then JenJen," she paused, "I'd like that very much. And it so happens that I'm not working on Friday night if I can tempt you?"

"You can indeed – I accept your er temptation," and at that point Jen felt like a complete dick because she just couldn't do smooth convincingly no matter how hard she tried. Jess could see Jen was kicking herself and she laughed, but in a supportive way.

"I knew what you meant. And…," she leant in closer towards Jen, "…I'm looking forward to it," said Jess in a slightly softer tone.

They said their goodbyes and Jen left the bar feeling a strong sense of achievement and the warm feeling that comes with success. As she walked down the street she couldn't help but smile to herself, and she licked her lips at the prospect of what the next date might entail.


	15. Chapter 15

_Accompanying Soundtrack: Celldweller – "Switchback"_

Jen woke the morning after date two, hair now dry but messy and unkempt, spread across her pillow. Of course not her pillow though, it smelt different. She looked over at Jess, who was already up and standing in front of her brandishing some toast, and smiled.

"Hey sleepy, I'm afraid I've got to be somewhere in about an hour, so I thought you might want something to eat and… maybe a quick round two…" she winked. She handed over the plate and as Jen took a bite Jess slipped off her robe and climbed back under the covers…

Before they went their separate ways Jess had quite happily agreed on a third date, although exactly when was to be confirmed. Jen was quietly pleased with how things were going, which made a change from her usually chaotic dating experiences.

Instead of going to H's for breakfast, Jen summoned her to greasy spoon because she was exhausted and ravenous.

"I mean holy fuck what a night! I'd love to think this has potential H," said Jen, scoffing down some fried bread, a slight smear of grease at the side of her mouth.

"Well, well," H grinned, "You _are_ a changed lady this morning. It's amazing what feeds the soul."

"This soul feeds on hot barmaids at the moment," said Jen, almost under her breath.

"Hmmm?" H was aware Jen mumbled something.

"This soul feeds on a decent bloody fry-up right now, babe," Jen felt her cheeks flush, and she silenced herself with another forkful of food. H saw the flush and was keen to tease Jen to try and work out just how much her timid friend might actually like her new conquest.

"So, you you're grinning from ear to ear – so you did her again this morning, huh?"

"Of course this is her doing…" but H cut her off mid-sentence.

"Ah, there's nothing like a hot ride to set one up for the day."

"As always H, your words are pure poetry," Jen snipped. "She's just the right combination of humour and confidence, mixed with a little hint of dominance, which," and she lowered her voice," is an incredible turn-on, and not something I've really thought about exploring before. But I just might now," and she raised an eyebrow at H and nodded at her.

"Ah, spread those wings my dear and embrace the new you," H said, finishing her mouthful. "So you're seeing her again?"

"Oh very much yes! We didn't make any specific plans but we agreed to another date yeah."

"Meh, she knows you're a sure thing, who wouldn't want that on tap?" said H beaming widely. "Listen, given you're all happy and bouncy, there's something I kind of wanted to mention."

"What's that?" Jen looked up from her plate inquisitively.

"I'm pretty sure I'm going to regret this, and I'd talked myself out of telling you this, but…" she fell silent and chewed her lip.

"What's up H? Just tell me," Jen looked concerned.

"I er… Tilly sent me a message online," she said slowly. "I really didn't want to tell you this because I don't want her getting in your head again. You said she was done with, and I don't want this to start everything off again."

"I can't believe she's contacted you," spat Jen, looking furious. "I need to sort this out once and for all. This is not OK H. What did she say in her message?"

H looked sheepish, wishing she'd never brought it up. "She just wanted me to give her your number – she didn't say what for." The air suddenly turned a little thick.

Jen shook her head in disbelief. This had certainly taken the edge off her high from the previous night. "I'll sort it. Something else to fucking mop up again. H she won't contact you again, I promise." They ate the rest of breakfast in an uncomfortable silence whilst Jen's brain raced, and heart pounded with a mix of anxiety and annoyance.

"I'm sorry H, you took me by surprise, I didn't know what to say. I'll sort it, I'll let you know. OK?" Jen never wished to part on unfavourable terms.

"Don't do anything stupid, Jen. Stand your ground." Replied H, and they went their separate ways as H had something – or someone – planned for her afternoon already.

Chunnering to herself as she walked, Jen has all kinds of thoughts running through her head, flicking between anger and confusion, wondering why this had to crop up when things just seemed to be getting on track again. It was more than she could bear to think about and after not too long she took out her phone and searched for Tilly's profile again. She went to send her a message, but she couldn't formulate what to say coherently, and end up sounding more aggressive than she had intended.

"Why did you contact H? What is it that you want?" and she left it short and blunt. She was surprised to receive a response almost immediately.

"I'd like to talk to you, I'm sorry for what I've done and I'd like to apologise in person," said the message.

Jen could feel the anger rising inside her and chose not to respond. The pain Tilly caused her was still so real, and she couldn't think how meeting her again would be anything positive. Her lack of response had obviously been a sign, and she received another message.

"Jen, I'm truly sorry. Please would you let me explain? Could I meet you somewhere later?"

Jen realised that Tilly wouldn't stop until she had her say, so reluctantly Jen agreed to meet her at 2, hoping this would give her enough time to get it clear into her head to say what she needed to say, and to stay strong in the face of adversity.

"I agree to meet you, but I can't see how this will change anything." Jen wanted to set her stall out quite clearly, but she knew it would be a challenge to stay strong.


	16. Chapter 16

_Accompanying Soundtrack: The Pharcyde – "Runnin'"_

Jen walked in the door fifteen minutes early. She couldn't do anything but pace around at home, and the waiting would be excruciating where ever she was.

To her surprise she saw Tilly was already there, sitting alone at a table. Jen was relieved to see that she already had a drink, which conquered the first uneasy hurdle. She decided she needed to get herself a drink before approaching, and ordered a strong coffee. It was completely irrational that she was nervous, and she faced the bar and didn't turn around until she had the warm cup firmly in her hands, and taking the deepest of breaths she turned and walked towards the table.

"Hi," Jen said uneasily, placing her coffee on the table and pulling out the chair to sit down on.

"Hi," Tilly replied, sensing the apprehension in Jen's voice, "I'm glad you could come."

And realising there was no point in beating round the bush she dived straight in. She fixed her gaze firmly at Jen and started her discourse.

"Jen… I'm sorry for what's happened between us. When I saw you in the pub the other night it was a real shock, and… I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to act. I could see how hurt you were. I could see in your eyes how you couldn't bear to be there – couldn't bear for me to be there actually." Tilly's voice cracked slightly, and she broke her eye contact with Jen, chewing her thumb nail with nerves. Jen listened, deciding that she would try not to interrupt and say something she might regret later.

"Seeing you there… it stirred up a whole lot of memories. And at first I didn't know what to do with them, because all I could remember was…" she stopped to breath momentarily,"… All I could remember was the lies you told that got me expelled. You told the college I stalked you! The person I trusted most in the world betrayed me for her job. How is it that you could do that to me, Jen?" Tilly's words were slightly tinged with venom as she allowed herself to become more emotive.

Jen shuffled uncomfortably in her chair as she sensed it was probably her time to talk. She swallowed several times, searching for her breath.

"I was trapped," Jen answered in a low, subdued tone. "I wanted everything and knew that was impossible. When I looked at the situation I was in to work out what the easiest answer was to fix everything, there wasn't anything which would make everyone happy. My heart and my head were on opposing sides and I couldn't act rationally. And in the end it became about self-protection… and that self-protection didn't include you." She felt a crushing pain in her chest as she struggled to speak the words out loud.

"Everything was stacked against us at that time. If you hadn't have been my student then it all would've been very different. But you were, and I was stupid to let things continue, and I am genuinely sorry for the way I behaved – I was backed into a corner. If I'd sat down a written a pros and cons list, the only thing in the Pros list would have been you. And that just didn't seem like the sensible option. But love is rarely the sensible option. Although… "Jen put her hand to her face and rubbed her forehead, "…I don't ever regret being in that relationship with you." Jen looked pale and vulnerable as the words tumbled out. She raised her cup to her lips and drained the rest of her coffee.

"It was one of those things that was never going to end well given the circumstances I guess." Tilly's voice had softened after her initial annoyance had waned hearing Jen's muted words. No matter how much she wanted to hate Jen for the way she'd behaved, she found it genuinely impossible to do so. "I was crushed beyond belief. You were my first genuine full-on, all-encompassing love. The depth of feeling I had for you was so real and intense I could almost touch it. And to have that destroyed by the person it was created by... well I couldn't even comprehend." Tilly's eyes seemed wild as her head processed what she was speaking, realising sometimes the only way to genuinely understand is to say things out loud.

"I do regret the police got involved – I should never have taken it that far. But that was also about self-protection - I was focused on getting some kind of revenge and I wanted to vindicate myself. I wanted people to understand that the things you'd said of me weren't true - and the easiest way was to humiliate you in public." Jen could see that Tilly's fire hadn't entirely abated.

"I didn't think Principle Blake would call the police. Do you mind me asking, what exactly happened with that?" Tilly looked sheepish as she asked, but for her it was a burning question.

"They didn't have enough evidence to charge me with anything," Jen said, matter-of-factly. "I told them that the photographs you'd put in the slideshow were from the previous summer – which they were, and that the relationship had ceased before term started. As you were over 16 that summer there wasn't any issue with you being underage. Could you imagine how it could have ruined my life completely if I'd been charged? I'd have been put on the sex offenders register and branded a paedophile" Jen looked horrified and accusatory as she spoke the words, her eyes darted around still panicked, and she shuddered at the thought.

"I really didn't think about what might happen, and truly I would never have wanted that. I just wanted to teach you a lesson! On reflection it was a childish way to do things, but I wasn't thinking straight." Tilly dropped her head a little with embarrassment.

Jen didn't see what good could come from having an arguement about not thinking through ones actions first. She had done exactly the same thing, although with less potentially damaging consequences. And she didn't want this to be about apportioning blame.

"Look, what's done is done. It's in the past and I think it's not worth dwelling on anymore," suddenly very aware that they were in a public place and their conversation wasn't really for sharing with the other people in a room which was relatively quiet.

"I think we do need to talk about this a little more, to make sure the air is completely clear." Tilly knew that there were still a way to work through with this, and whilst they were in the same place it made sense. Hesitating, she postulated a continuation elsewhere.

"Would you like to maybe get some lunch so we can carry this on somewhere it would be more comfortable to discuss this? I feel like there are eyes on me here... If you're free of course?" Tilly's eyes looked sad and hopeful at the same time, and Jen really didn't know what to make of anything, and Tilly obviously had some things that needed saying.

"I don't live too far away - I could make you a sandwich, and we could talk frankly. I don't want to leave this unresolved." Jen nodded.


	17. Chapter 17

_Accompanying soundtrack: Empire Of The Sun – "We are the people"_

They both sat down on the sofa, and started to eat their lunch. Jen purposely took longer than usual to eat hers, worrying what she was going to do when they'd finished eating. Everything felt tense and uncomfortable. Sensing the thick air, Tilly picked up the remote and turned on the TV quietly, partially to break the silence, but also hoping for an entry point into a conversation.

"So you're with Esther now?" Jen said weakly, knowing the answer already.

"Yeah. After the whole, y'know, _suicide_ thing I felt drawn to her. Not romantically as such, but more out of a sense of obligation and guilt. I'd not been there to support her and the only way I could make that better was to become her guidance and protection. She went through so much, and I – _we _were partially responsible."

Jen saw the pang of guilt in Tilly's eyes and instantly felt it herself.

"I hated that she tried to take her own life and I could have intervened, and I'll never be able to change that. But is it fair though? On you I mean? You're not with her for the right reasons." Jen was on uncertain ground, and wasn't really sure why she said it. Throughout her demeanour remained solemn.

"It's funny," Jen continued, "because Esther is so different to… to me. You… You're confident and out-going, and sure of yourself, and you relish the chance to be up against someone who is your equal, who can bring out your spontaneity. I don't see Esther is any of those things. I'm surprised, but then again I guess I'm not really if you want her to feel safe."

"She loves me." Tilly replied bluntly. "She's always loved me since we met in Abersoch. Well, maybe infatuation at first, but she fell for me and I never gave her a chance. So now I'm giving her the chance. And I love her too."

Tilly's body language betrayed her words, and Jen could see that Tilly lacked conviction with what she said. She wanted to push further but stopped.

They sat in silence for a moment.

Jen was reluctant to say anything else - she wanted to make sure that she didn't misread anything and push too hard. Too many times she'd made that error, and she still didn't really know what Tilly had still wanted to discuss.

Tilly finally spoke, her voice hushed and soft, "You know though, don't you? You can tell it's the not the same with her as it was with you. I've tried to love her with all my heart but…I'm not whole with her. She's not 'The One' ."

Listening to the words, Jen began to panic inside, her heart racing and a pounding in her ears. She fixated on the screen, almost petrified, as Tilly slowly began to brush Jen's arm, slowly running her fingers up and down. She took Jen's hands and traced lines on her palm, eventually clasping the hand between both of hers. She turned her head towards Jen, who was still staring straight at the TV. Jen was completely confused at the complete direction change.

Tilly could see Jen gently bite her lip and swallow with nervousness. At this point Tilly started to kiss Jen's neck, and continued to place small pecks on her skin, moving her head up to eventually catch Jen's eyes, whilst gently placing a finger onto her cheek and brushing her fringe out of the way. Jen continued to look slightly down, not holding Tilly's gaze, almost as if she was waiting for permission for something. And as Tilly moved her face closer they rubbed noses, and Jen smiled for the first time, acknowledging the impending kiss.

They kissed, slowly at first, lips lingering and brushing together, hands touching each-others' faces, still soft and passionate, slowly entwining into an embrace, until Jen sank back into the sofa with Tilly half-lying on top of her.

To Jen, the kissing felt like a relaxing and comfortable place, one where they'd been so many times in the past, mixed with pleasure, painful memories and nerves. The butterflies tumbled in her stomach and she wanted to grab on to Tilly tightly.

Tilly gently broke the kiss and looked into Jen's eyes, smiling at her with a mixture of intimacy and lust. She slowly stood up and taking Jen's hand pulled her up onto her feet and led her to the bedroom. As she went through the door, Tilly turned to face Jen and stepped backwards, sitting herself on the bed, gently pulling Jen forward to her. And as Jen stood in front of her, Tilly began to slowly remove Jen's top, dropping it onto the floor. Tilly touched Jen's stomach, running her hands slowly up and down her torso, looking up into her eyes, and then running fingers down her bra strap and over her hardening nipples underneath. Tilly kissed Jen's stomach, and Jen shut her eyes and let her head fall backwards a little whilst she welcomed the warm kisses which rained down on her. Opening her eyes again, Jen softly ran her hands down Tilly's sides, finding the hem of her shirt, and gently lifting it up over her head. Tilly's hands wandered to Jen's back, and she carefully pulled her down onto the bed with her.

They continued to kiss; it was soft and romantic and there was no urgency, just a sense of belonging and completeness. The two, lying side by side, tenderly caressing each other, hands exploring, shaking, smiling, giggling, quiet moans, kissing, stroking, slowly allowing the passions and sensations to build, occasionally stopping to breathe in each other. It was a depth of connection that can only exist through genuine love.

Tilly planted a line of small kisses down the front of Jen, running from her chin to her belly button. She could feel and hear Jen's heart beating faster the further down she got. Turning her attention to Jen's breasts, she took one on her mouth and slowly let her tongue run all over the nipple, gently kneading the other one, all the while pressing her thigh more fervently into Jen's groin, feeling her moistness, Jen quietly whimpering throughout.

Tilly continued her kisses down Jen's body, and once between her legs, she quickly kissed and licked all over her inner thighs. She reached underneath to grab Jen's arse with both hands, and slightly elevated her to give her better access. Jen moved her legs over Tilly's shoulders. Slowly she started to lick Jen's already glistening slit, tasting and inhaling at the same time, and Jen gave a little shiver, pushing herself slightly forward to encourage Tilly in further. Softly and slowly she traced small circles with her tongue until she finally pushed her tongue in deep, working her tongue in and out of her lover, while reaching up and massaging her breasts. Jen had craved Tilly's touch so much, wished for this moment again in her dreams, she couldn't hold back and allowed the warm sensation to spread throughout her body and take over her completely. Tilly placed soft kisses all over Jen, while she worked her way back up to her waiting mouth. Tilly planted a final deep kiss and then held her tight while stroking her hair.

"I love you", said Jen, looking into Tilly's eyes and fixing her glaze. "I never stopped, even after all we went through; Esther, the police, my job, and countless telling me it was a bad idea. I couldn't not".

Post-sex confessions weren't always the best idea Jen though, but after the most intimate time she could have hoped to spend with Tilly, her emotions were raw and unchained. She stopped, dropped her head slightly, a little with embarrassment, a little because she didn't know what to say next.

"Jen", Tilly started, clamping both hands round Jen's face, wanting to keep their eyes locked on each other. "Since the first time I saw you I was captivated by you. The confidence you exuded, bold and forthright with your opinions. Standing by your car and chatting me up, cool as you like. When there were no boundaries, no college, no student-teacher relationships, and nothing to worry about". Tilly could feel her voice crumbling as she realised the truth was tumbling out of her. "And it all went wrong when others got in the way – when reality got in the way. And I handled things badly. Really fucking badly, and I'm really hoping you can forgive me for that". She stopped to breathe. Jen stayed silent.

"You're smart, and beautiful, and you were…. You _are_ the best thing I've ever had in my life. I don't have any excuses. And… and it'd be lame of me to try and come up with any," and with that Tilly fell silent again.

"We're both to blame for the actions of the past – the way we treated each other was thoughtless", said Jen quietly. "I let my fears around our relationship affect the way I was with you because I was scared the truth would get out and ruin everything. In the end, my desire to keep the truth hidden ruined everything anyway. And you", she continued, frowning slightly, "did the worst thing I could possibly imagine – you made us public to purposely ruin my career. We've both been complete fuck ups."

Tilly was taken aback by Jen's brutality, but Jen didn't give her time to come up with a response.

"But… I've learnt a lot about forgiveness in these last couple of years. I never realised just how much better it can make things. Holding a grudge just eats at the soul and never made me feel anything good. But at the same time forgiveness is a bloody long path."

Jen looked at Tilly, Almost not looking at her, but looking through her, desperately trying to think things through in her head. Eventually she raised her eyes to Tilly.

"I need to know…", Jen said, sounding vulnerable, "I need to know this is what you want - that you're strong enough to go through this with me. The past is the past, and I can put that aside, but if you cannot take this journey with me wholeheartedly then we have no future. I've spent time with others after you, but no-one compares. I'd put you on a pedestal, which was self-sabotage really because no-one could even come close. But that chapter MUST close if you're not fully in to this. I'm at an emotional crux, and there are only two directions – one of which includes you, the other will cut you out of my life forever."

Jen closed her eyes to pause, she could feel the tears starting to well in the corners of her eyes, knowing that an ultimatum like this was the very level of finality, and that whilst she had the decision to make in the end, this was entirely dependent on Tilly's desire to be part of it – or not.

"This poses us a bit of a problem?"

"Well, I guess that depends what you want to happen – if anything - after this."

"I'm with Esther. I mean, it's complicated - I can't just leave her," Tilly's face was filled with sadness.

"I've got a girlfriend too," Jen replied, slightly embellishing the nature of her relationship with Jess, "But it's quite obvious there's still something between us, because if there wasn't then this wouldn't have happened," and she shrugged her shoulders.

The brutal starkness of the situation didn't provide an obvious solution.

"Listen," Jen opened, "Lets have a few days to think about things and try and work out if this is something we genuinely want to try again. Then we'll know if we need to start hurting people. There's no point if we can't genuinely commit to this thing." She smiled, ruefully at Tilly, and started to get dressed.

She walked towards the door, stopping as she opened it she turned to Tilly and put her heart on the line.

"If you want it, I'm in," and she left Tilly to make her decision.


	18. Chapter 18

_Accompanying Soundtrack: Chicane – "Don't Give Up"_

As Jen walked away from Tilly's she felt bemused. That had taken a turn she hadn't expected, and she still wasn't entirely sure how it happened. But she also didn't feel how she thought she would. The uncertainty that remained was a troubling thought. The Irony was that Jen didn't need a couple of days. She didn't even need a single day. The second their lips had touched again she knew.

She stopped and looked at her reflection in a window. Through the image of herself, she could do little more than start to wonder if the issue of Esther might prove too much of an obstacle for Tilly to overcome. The history of their relationship wasn't bonded in love like her and Tilly were, it was borne out of overcoming adversity and, in Jen's opinion, misplaced obligation.

Transfixed on nothing in particular, Jen gaze remained fixed towards the window until she felt a hand on her shoulder and a voice saying something her brain hadn't quite picked up yet.

"Jen!" the voice repeated a little more forcefully, and Jen turned to see H was standing behind her with another woman.

"What are you doing staring into this window love? I was calling your name from over the road."

Jen looked confused for a second until she came fully back from her thoughts.

"Something caught my eye in the window and the I er… it just started thinking me about some other stuff." Jen looked at H's companion.

"This is Fran," H said, with the slightest of pauses whilst her brain fumbled to remember the name of the girl. Jen smiled, picking up on it and seeing an opportunity to tease.

"Hi Fran. What are you doing out with this reprobate?" she said, smirking.

"We're just about to go back to hers and fuck – if I've read the signs right," and Fran ran her hand down H's back and settled on her buttocks.

H coughed slightly, taken aback by the overt bluntness of the response, but eyes instantly filled with lust.

"We need to go," she said, "I'll call you later, and H grabbed Fran's hand and hurried off in the direction of home.

"She makes it all seem so simple, and it's sooo bloody not," muttered Jen to herself. She could really have done with sounding out H about the whole Tilly thing, but she suspected that H would probably have gone apeshit. Jen didn't have anything straight in her head and probably wouldn't for a while. She headed back home hoping at some point this would all figure itself out soon.

Jen stood in the shower, lost in her thoughts, letting the water cascade over her head as she considered her predicament. She steadied herself on the wall and shut her eyes. Nothing felt any clearer, just warmer.

As she towelled off Jen noticed her phone flashing on the cabinet by the bathroom window. She picked it up and looked at the message, and was surprised to see it was Tilly. Automatically assuming the worst she shut the screen without reading it, thinking it would be impossible for Tilly to have made her mind up already, and she threw the phone back onto the windowsill.

She kept staring at the flashing light and made it through about a minute before she was compelled to look at the message.

"Can we meet again?"

'_Suitably none-committal_ _from Tilly_', Jen thought. The chance that she was going to hear something she didn't want to made her want to conduct their next meeting on her turf, where she might feel more comfortable.

"Sure. You can come to mine, I'm free?" and she give Tilly her address.

Jen panicked again, and started to get dressed, wanting to look the best that she could without it being too obvious she was making the effort. It was more of a 'middle-finger' technique in case this was about to go pear-shaped, and Jen wanted to feel good about herself no matter what happened.

It was around a half hour before Jen heard a knock at the door, and she hurried to open it. As expected it was Tilly, and she invited her in. She'd prepared some coffee and led her into the kitchen.

"Coffee?" Jen asked nervously.

"Thanks," said Tilly, sitting herself by the table.

Nobody said anything whilst Jen made the drinks, until she finally placed the drinks onto the table and sat down herself, wrapping her hands round the warm cup. Tilly took a sip in preparation for what she was about to say.

"I'd love to be able to make a clean break of this with you, but I can't do this to Esther. I just don't know how to handle this with her." Her face looked drawn and pale.

"But I want so much to be with you," she said, taking Jen's hand in hers. Jen closed her eyes and swallowed at the words, feeling her anxiety swell at the thought of being so close but still completely out of reach.

Tilly saw the reaction in Jen's eyes and couldn't bear the thought of not being with her.

"I'm going to suggest something which goes against the very fabric of my being," and she stopped momentarily to take a breath.

"I can't be without you, but at I can't leave Esther yet, so…." she swallowed," Can I see you both?" She didn't really feel comfortable with what she was temporarily suggesting, but she could see no alternative.

"Both?" repeated Jen, questioningly.

"Yes. Both." Tilly looked deadly serious. "I can't believe I'm suggesting it really, as I would never want a relationship to be conducted under the cover of deceit but…" she looked straight at Jen, and with slightly watery eyes, "…you are truthfully everything I've ever wanted. And I know that a different time and in a different place than Hollyoaks… we could really work. The barriers that were once so difficult to scale are now almost all removed. No boundaries, no limits."

"Except one, obviously." Jen felt uneasy with Tilly's suggestion.

"Tilly, if she finds out we're seeing each other it'll be worse than you just breaking up with her surely?"

"Jen, hear me out. This would be a way to make absolutely certain that we want to be together and we can make it work, whilst giving me some time to gently withdraw from Esther."

"So you're hedging your bets?" Jen looked slightly annoyed

"No, no, that's not what I meant. It didn't come across very well. I know being with Esther isn't the right thing for me. She just doesn't ignite a passion in me – I don't feel for her how she feels for me. And it's not right that I stay with her and deny her the chance of finding someone who truly can love her. So she can find… her Jen." Tilly's emotions were laid bare, and a tear rolled down her cheek.

Jen smiled, realising how hard it must be for Tilly to deal with her conflicted feelings, and the potential guilt this could create.

"OK. I'll go with it – on one condition."

Tilly smiled. "Yes?"

"Whilst you're still with Esther, we're not exclusive."

Tilly was a little stunned. "You want to sleep with other people?"

"No! Well.. yes… sort of. I can't be the jealous lover sitting at home waiting for you to let me know if you're free. It won't work because the balance will be wrong. We need to be on an equal footing to start with, and whilst I'm not going out to specifically search for anyone, I'm not going to turn someone down if an opportunity should come around, until we're properly back together… just us. So if you're free sometimes and I'm not, then that's how it'll be. I think that's only fair. Do you understand where I'm coming from?"

Tilly nodded, a little reticently.

"This isn't about tit for tat," said Jen, rubbing Tilly's hand, "don't consider this as such. It's more about getting to know each other again, building up the relationship, developing anticipation, and being honest on the way back to the old 'us' that worked so well. And having some really, REALLY good sex too, of course," and Jen smiled, raising an eyebrow, with a twinkle in her eyes.

She continued, "Let's make a date – do this properly. I'd like to take you out for a meal, when would you like to do that?"

Tilly thought for a while and realised that she already had some plans with Esther through the week, and for Saturday evening.

Jen looked at her, "It's OK if you are seeing Esther, I'll just work round it, don't worry. I've got other things I can be doing when you're busy." Jen almost said 'people' instead of 'things', meaning Jess, but she didn't want to make Tilly's thoughts any more complicated.

Tilly looked relieved. She'd given herself away with her hesitancy, and still wasn't sure how on earth she was going to manage them both successfully, even if it was just in the short term.

"Friday – I'm free Friday," said Tilly.

"Cool, it's a date," replied Jen, smiling. "I'll pick you up at 6 on Friday then."

"I'm looking forward to it," Tilly smiled back at Jen, only to be interrupted by her phone.

"It's Esther," she sighed.

"Listen, why don't you head off and you can take your call in peace. I don't need to hear that. I'll see you Friday, OK?"

"Until Friday," and Tilly placed a soft peck on Jen's lips before answering her call and heading out of the door.


	19. Chapter 19

_[NB, I'm endeavouring to bring Jen and Tilly back to the firey, powerful connection they had before Hollyoaks assassinated both their characters. Jen isn't predatory, and Tilly is very sexually self-aware, as she was when she first met Esther in Abersoch. No tale that runs smooth captivates an audience. If Harry potter killed Voldemort in the first book, the other 6 would've been pretty lame. The journey is almost more important than the destination.] _

_Accompanying Soundtrack: Johnny Hollow – Hollow World_

Jen was dreading telling H. There would be a whole bag full of 'tuts' and 'are you fucking crazy!' comments, and no matter what she said it was never going to go down well. She could desperately do with an angle but she didn't have one. She bit the bullet and picked up her phone.

"H! babe, how was your afternoon roll in the hay?"

"Suitably satisfactory thanks! To what do I owe this pleasure my dear Jen?"

"Just wanted to see if my number one dude wanted to catch up for a drink tonight. You free? I'll even let you regale me with this afternoons filth."

"What you after Jen? You never want to hear about my filth," said H suspiciously. "I am intrigued. Come to mine anytime you want, I can't be arsed to go out."

It was a little more than an hour when Jen knocked on H's door. For the second time today she wasn't looking forward to the imminent conversation.

"Hey baby doll, drag that ass in here," H grinned at Jen as she opened the door. Jen stepped in, and through the kitchen where, as usual the kettle was boiling. "Or, help yourself, H said, waving a beer bottle at Jen.

Jen decided a beer was probably the best option - a little something to steady the nerves. She popped the cap and sat down on the sofa next to H.

"So… why _are_ you here?" said H, peering at Jen. "Don't bullshit me Gilmore, I know you're up to something."

"Why does there need to be a reason for me to come see you? You got some psychic powers or something," said Jen, completely failing to sound convincing. She sighed…."Alright, but please.. don't judge me. Not until you've heard the whole story anyway."

"What's my little weirdo done this time?" H sounded genuinely curious.

"The emotional support I get from you is astonishing," Jen fell quiet for a moment. "I saw Tilly."

"What the fuck, Jen. Tell me it was to sort out her getting in touch with me the other day? To stop her getting in touch with YOU, too?"

"Yes… that is why I got in touch with her. She wanted to meet in person to discuss the past. She feels guilty about the whole police thing."

"So she bloody should do. She nearly got you fucking sent down, and I do not appreciate the way she screwed you over." H got a little fired up and protective.

"And she apologised for all that. She never intended for it to go that far."

"Why the hell are you defending her, Jen?" H was confused. "Why would you care how she feels, she's nothing to do with you anymore."

"Yeah…" Jen chewed her bottom lip. H looked irked.

"We chatted, talked over a lot of stuff… she feels guilty over Esther. So do I!"

"Yeah, but who cares, it's in the past. She can live with her guilt and leave you out of it."

"She's not with Esther through choice, she feels an obligation to her." Jen knew she wasn't winning any arguments anytime soon.

"What's your point?"

"She wants to be with me. She feels we can put the past behind us."

"Feels…? Present tense implies that your meeting wasn't a one-off." H looked furious.

"We slept together. I didn't intend for it to happen, but there's still this unshakeable connection we have together."

H got up from her seat and stalked around the room, pursing her lips and making irate grunting noises.

"I can't believe you're even entertaining doing this again, Jen!" H was now agitatedly throwing arm gestures around. "What is going on in your head, girl? You said you didn't love her, so why go back?"

"Ok, I lied I'm sorry. Seeing her again – it brought it all back." Jen stood up and walked over to H. "I'm truly sorry, I thought I could handle my feelings, and I can't." She hung her head. Jen looked in to the eyes of her best friend, a pleading look begging tor H to just live with what she was saying and stop giving her a hard time. H was never going to let her off that easily, but she decided to take the intensity down a notch.

H softened seeing Jen obviously struggling with her feelings, but she was still pissed off. "Don't do this to yourself sweetie. I love you too much to see you go through heartbreak with Tilly again. She's with Esther…"

"We talked about that. She's going to leave her – let her down gently."

"Why does this sound like every married man you ever hear about… _'I'll leave her, I promise…' _ It's fucking bullshit Jen, don't fall for this crap, please."

"I set some boundaries, H. I told her we wouldn't be exclusive until she's done with Esther. At least I'm trying to not set myself up for a fall. I am going to see Jess again – hell, she's smoking hot, I'm just going to hold off getting emotional involved. For the time being anyway, until I know if Tilly will genuinely leave Esther."

"Well at least you're thinking with your head and your dick for once, instead of letting your heart rule the way." H sighed, resigned. "Jen, you know I love you with all my heart, and the thought of you getting hurt again over this girl absolutely kills me." She leant in and hugged the life out of Jen. "But I don't think anything I could say is going to change your mind, is it?" She looked at Jen, who shook her head back at her with a guilty smile.

"Then all I can do is be here to provide advice. You need to tell me EVERYTHING that happens so I can be the voice of reason. Promise me that." H sighed. She knew Jen would be broken in two if this thing with Tilly didn't work out again, but it wasn't her place to tell Jen what to do, she was big enough and stupid enough to make her own mistakes.

"That I can do," said Jen, and she hugged H so hard.

"So tell me, _Helen_," Jen using her full name was a slight dig, and a vague attempt to divert the conversation. "How was your afternoon snack? By the way I still have no idea how you can trick a lass into bed with the mere flutter of your eyelids." Jen looked at H with intrigue.

"The internet dear Jen, is responsible for that little hook-up. When one's intentions are purely dishonourable - and are specified as such beforehand – the attracted clientele are.. let's say… in it for the same purpose. The drink beforehand is purely perfunctory, and a way of making sure she isn't obviously insane, and looks like her picture." H's sheer bluntness about her general approach to sex left Jen almost dumbstruck. "Anyway, why are we talking about my boring old life, forget all this Tilly nonsense, what about Jess?"

Jen wasn't overly pleased at Tilly being called 'nonsense' but she let it ride.

"She's cute, we definitely had some fun the other night. I'd like to see her again for sure. We haven't made any follow-up dates yet."

It was at that point Jen realised that she hadn't actually been in touch with Jess since she'd left her the other morning. She'd been understandably distracted by Tilly, but if she wanted to keep things with Jess ticking along it was rude to not actually have contact with her. Plus, with the Tilly thing it'd changed the way she saw Jess. In her she saw desire and lust, where with Tilly she saw love and passion. She now had two opportunities, competing against each other of course, but this filled her with confidence and hope. When you know you've got two sure-fire things, the worry and doubt is assuaged and replaced with more bravado.

"I'm seeing Tilly on Friday night," Jen followed up, "So I'll see what she's doing on Saturday, although she works in a bar so my guess is if we meet up it'll either be before or after work."

It was hard for Jen not to lick her lips at the prospect. She was definitely sweet on Jess, even after only a couple of dates, and the prospect of back-to-back dates with Tilly and then Jess was ridiculously exciting. Swiftly coming back down to earth, Jen looked straight at H.

"Which means you and I can go out," and she smiled at H. Throughout all this relationship madness she knew she mustn't forget about H because she was always her one constant, and the voice of reason, albeit a filthy-minded and hormonal-challenged one.

"Yay!" H did a mock hand-clap, "Providing you're not going to try and shag me too…" she whispered, mockingly into her ear.


	20. Chapter 20

_Accompanying Soundtrack: Brandon Chandler – "We Are Everything"_

Jen texted Jess, and they'd agreed to a post-work date on Saturday, which at 1 in the morning was very likely to lead to an overnight stay, something Jen was very comfortable with right now. She also thought about her Friday night date with Tilly and smiled to herself, wondering how the tables had turned in her favour so quickly and unexpectedly.

Jen had been nervous all day because despite the obvious history between them, this was still effectively a first date. Sunday had been something entirely unplanned, but this was officially a date. A date with someone she'd loved so deeply in the past and had never really abandoned those feelings, but also a date with someone who already had a girlfriend. Jen frowned as she remembered that whilst Tilly had promised to _eventually_ finish with Esther, there was no guarantee she actually would. And for that reason Jen needed to look her best and for it to be a memorable night. That's why she'd had to think a little harder than normal about what to do, and decided a trip out of the city would be something nice for both of them.

Friday night seemed to take forever to arrive as anticipation and expectation has a nasty habit of making time move ten times slower, but finally it had arrived and Jen was taking her time over her outfit. She knew what Tilly liked to see her in and she didn't want to disappoint – a skirt, with a reasonably tight black shirt on top and some calf length boots were the order of the evening.

She picked Tilly up as agreed, but she hadn't told her where they were going. She drove them out of town and a little way and soon they were onto country lanes and they eventually ended up in Hebden Bridge, lesbian mecca of the North and a place where eyelids would remain unbatted at the deviant suggestion of a romantic meal between two women. Jen had chosen here because she wanted to take Tilly somewhere she would never have been before, but also somewhere they could talk freely without judgemental ears straining at them.

They parked up, and even though it was 7pm and dark the place was still reasonably busy. It was one of those communities in which you could freely exist without attracting judgement, and Tilly gazed into some artistic shop windows as Jen led her to the restaurant.

"This place is so quaint!" Tilly whispered to Jen as they took off their coats and sat down at their table. A young lady came over, introduced herself as their waitress and left them each a menu.

"And so very gay!" replied Jen. Tilly looked around to see a room full of same-sex couples, eating their meals, chatting, and generally feeling relaxing and welcome. Jen wanted the evening to be as normal and easy as possible so Tilly could see there was no drama, which would hopefully allow them to slip comfortably back in to each others company and further remind Tilly what she'd been missing.

"I sort of know the owner of this place, she's a friend of one of my work colleagues, and I've never had the opportunity to try it out. I though this would be the perfect time." She smiled cheerfully at Tilly, who reciprocated over the top of her menu.

Figuring it easier to take some of the unspoken pressure off the evening, Jen said quietly, "I don't really want to talk about the past or Esther tonight. I just want to chat like normal people – like a normal first date, where people get to know each other and find out what's going on in their lives."

Tilly laughed but looked a little confused

"You know most of what's going on in my life though, Jen."

They were interrupted by the waitress asking for their food order, and Jen ordered the pesto chicken and Tilly ordered a salad. With Jen driving, Tilly courteously stuck to a soft drink.

"I know the bit about you having a girlfriend, sleeping with your ex-girlfriend," she raised an eyebrow speaking of herself in the third person, "and that you're at uni. What I'd like to know is the stuff in between. How did you get on with your A-Levels, and why are you studying at Manchester now?"

Tilly wasn't entirely expecting the date to pan out this way, but then she wasn't really sure what her expectations of the date actually were, so she happily obliged.

"Well, before I came back to Hollyoaks 6th form I'd been doing a compressed history of art course at the other college, and I'd also started a doing Art and Design to run along side. I knew that swapping my course after lower sixth kind of screwed my timeline up, and maybe I reason I did it was initially for the wrong reasons," she looked sheepishly at Jen, knowing her initial switch was borne out of revenge, "but I love it so much now I couldn't imagine doing anything else."

Jen smiled, knowing that Tilly's love of art had always been there, but she might have had a small influence on helping her realise the need to change academic direction.

"So by the end of the year I'd got enough credits to apply for Uni, and I went through clearing and so I'm studying at the Manchester School of Art. George is doing Fashion Design, and Callum is doing American Studies. We all decided that after the hell of the minibus crash and losing so many of the friends we loved so dearly, each other's support meant so much that we should try and study in the same place. Those two are friends for life." Tilly smiled waveringly, the thoughts of the past were still emotional and raw, and every time she thought of Maddie and the others it pinched a nerve.

"Friends are the most important people in our lives because we choose them, I totally get that," and she smiled supportively at Tilly. "You're enjoying the course I take it?"

"Oh, it's fantastic, Jen! When I think about if I was still doing all the training to be a doctor… that just fills me with dread to have thought I could make such a mistake. I'm so in love with art…" she broke off her impassioned speech and smiled broadly at Jen. Jen was resting her head on her hand, listening intently, and knew that whilst she was only a small factor in helping Tilly decide her educational direction, but she felt proud for any influence she'd had.

Their meals arrived and as they ate Tilly continued to talk about that past year. Her parents hadn't been happy with the change, but in the end respected the decisions made by their headstrong daughter. Tilly's self-assurance was one of the things which attracted Jen most in the first place. As Jen listened she felt herself more and more comfortable being there with Tilly, but she kept reminding herself that as much as she wanted to she couldn't allow herself to totally fall for Tilly again until the Esther issue was resolved.

"So, what about yourself?" Tilly asked enquiringly, "I've done nothing but talk, so it's your turn," and she cheekily stuck her tongue out.

"Well, obviously I needed to just escape Hollyoaks as quickly as possible. I couldn't bear to stay, the embarrassment was just immense, and as I didn't have any real ties there, I just wanted a clean getaway. It's fair to say it's not been the easiest of times getting work elsewhere, but I was a substitute teacher for a while, and at the end of last term they offered me a position full time. Not being prosecuted means there's nothing on my record particularly, but I did so much good work at Hollyoaks and not having a reference from that looks suspicious. The head teacher was impressed with me though, so they gave me a chance, but I've got quite a substantial 12 month probationary period to deal with at this school." She sighed and frowned a little at the thought, and knew she was lucky to have a teaching job at all.

Tilly sat and looked at Jen, hearing the tinge of pain as she spoke, and could see how difficult it was for her to lay herself bare to the person that created the pain in the first place.

"Anyway," feeling the need to change the subject, "H has been my rock since I moved back here. Without that deviant I'd certainly have lost my mind. She reminds me daily who I am and keeps me grounded and sane."

As they finished their food and Jen paid the bill, she was happy they'd just had the opportunity to chat and discover each other some more - It was an integral part to rebuilding their relationship. She couldn't dwell on the past, and as they concluded their meal she was happy they'd made progress, and knew though it was still a fair way off they could make something out of this. Enhancing the emotional connection was equally as important as the physical.

As they headed back out towards the car to drive home, it was starting to rain and the temperature had fallen. Jen felt Tilly take her hand and they remained locked together for the rest of the walk back, not saying anything but just appreciating the moment.


	21. Chapter 21

_NB, unless there's an appetite for it, I'll leave the sex scenes with others to the imagination. Let me know, I have plenty of options but assume people want them to be between Jen and Tilly only, and these will most definitely be M+ rated so those of a more fragile disposition may wish to have a lace hanky and smelling salts on hand…_

* * *

_Accompanying soundtrack: Depeche Mode – "Stripped"_

The drive home from Hebden saw the rain get worse and worse, until Jen felt a thump and the car started to pull to the left.

"Fuck!" Jen shouted as she pulled over to the side of the road, splashing through a not inconsiderable puddle before quickly coming to a stop. The rain continued to lash down on the windscreen, and the wipers weren't doing much of a job to keep it clear.

"What's the matter?" Tilly asked, seeing the annoyance on Jen's face.

"It's a flat tyre. Of all the Times to get a bloody flat it'd have to be now for Christ's sake."

"You've got a spare though, right?"

"Yeah I've got a spare, but it's pouring down, I'll get drenched! And it's not exactly a light thing to manhandle around at the best of times, let alone during a monsoon." Tilly could see that Jen was frustrated by the whole thing and she wasn't sure how she could make it better. She had no idea what changing the wheel might involve as a non-driver. Jen turned off the ignition but left the lights on. She looked across to Tilly.

"I think I'm going to need your help with the wheel, I'm not sure I can manage it on my own to be honest."

"You're joking, right" said Tilly, suddenly not liking where this conversation was heading.

"Nope."

"I'm not going outside in this!" Tilly said, desperately hoping Jen was pulling her leg.

"Listen, if you don't help me we're not going anywhere anytime soon. So we can sit here and hope someone drives past that we can flag down, or we do it ourselves, and stop being so wimpy."

Tilly looked like thunder. "I suppose I don't have any choice, do I?" she grunted, taking off her seatbelt. Jen opened the door on her side and stepped out into the downpour. The spare was attached to the back door, but the jack was inside the boot.

"We've got to lift the car with the jack, take off the flat, and shove on the spare," she said, as the rain cascaded down, her once comfortable dry clothes were now wet, clingy and cold.

Jen set to work raising the car, everything seemed to take twice as long in the rain. Tilly brought round the spare and Jen bolted it on whilst Tilly put the flat in the housing for the spare. It's hard work in dry sunshine, but a bastard chore to complete in the rain, and Jen's hands kept slipping on the winder for the jack, and she cursed frequently.

Eventually Jen stood up triumphantly, and walked to the back of the car where she handed Tilly the jack to put it in the boot. Tilly took it from her and turned to put it away. Jen watched her, realising that something so simple made them a good team, even though neither of them wanted to be in these circumstances right now. As Tilly closed the boot she felt Jen put her arms around her. Her body was warm and welcoming.

"Thank you," said Jen into her ear, "I really appreciate your help."

Tilly turned around and Jen placed a kiss onto her lips, the rain running down each of their faces.

"That's what partners do, they help out, even in the shittiest of moments!" and Tilly kissed her again. As they kissed, the rain didn't seem to feel cold any more. Jen felt Tilly push into her more forcefully, as they kissed deeply and with more heat. The fact they were stood behind the car on a dark back road was on longer in their thoughts as they concentrated wholly on each other. Jen wasn't really in the mood for taking it slowly, and she pushed Tilly back against the car, kissed her fiercely, and started to undo the button on her jeans. Tilly could feel the uncomfortable cold metal of the car through her soaked clothes. Jen's fingers struggled on the button with the rain, but she was soon sliding her hands down into the warm pants in front of her.

Tilly flinched a little at her touch, a combination of cold hands and an overwhelming sensation of desire, fuelled by the rain, the chance of getting caught, and Jen's forcefulness, which considering their situation was unexpected but extremely welcome. Tilly liked it when Jen did the unpredictable, it reminded her how passionate they both were together.

After a minute or so, Jen slid her fingers inside Tilly, knowing the limits, just hard enough for Tilly to gasp out loud, Jen continuing to search Tilly's mouth with powerful kisses and tongue. Jen's hand was struggling against the clothes, and she breathed between kisses, "lower your trousers," still not moving from her lips, keeping her fingers active throughout.

It was clumsy as Tilly fumbled to down her trousers which were clinging onto her skin but the instance there was enough access, Jen dropped down to her knees and brought her mouth into play, sucking and flicking Tilly's clit, feeling it swell beneath her. Tilly searched for anything she could grab hold of, feeling a sense of unrestraint given there was no-one around to hear them, and as Jen's thrusts became more direct and powerful until she could hear Tilly plainly shouting out with uninhibited pleasure into the night as she bucked and trembled.

Tilly opened her eyes and looked down at Jen, pulled her up back to eye level and not wanting to lose a single moment she ferociously kissed Jen and without saying a word pushed her backwards away from the car. Stumbling a little Jen found herself pinned against a cold, wet tree, but she had no chance, or indeed wish to complain, as she felt Tilly quickly position herself straddled over one of her legs, and lift her skirt and reach inside her pants.

Jen was already in a state after what she'd just done to Tilly, and Tilly's fingers were met with an inviting warm, sticky wetness, and without any waiting she plunged her fingers straight into Jen, finding a hard and intense rhythm. Jen was so close already, and the feel of Tilly's heat against her leg, and the fire she was creating inside her was unbearable, and Jen came quickly and loudly, groaning into Tilly's mouth as she felt herself release, struggling to keep herself standing. She opened her eyes and looked at Tilly who spoke for the first time.

"I'm not finished, I need to come again. You may kiss, but not touch," and Tilly gently withdrew her fingers from Jen and moved them to herself. Jen's eyes widened with surprise, he's head was still swimming from the feeling of her own orgasm, trying to appreciate what else was going on in front of her. Tilly mixed Jen's juice with her own, touching herself roughly and rubbing herself on Jen's leg. Jen could feel the heat and the friction, the movement of Tilly's hands against her, and had forgotten to kiss her she was so transfixed on Tilly, who was looking straight into her eyes. Jen could see Tilly's pupils dilate and couldn't look away. This was a moment like nothing else, and she craved for Tilly to come at her own touch, until finally Tilly exploded again, a warm sensation flooding Jen's leg, and she gripped tightly on to Jen so as not to slump to the floor.

The two held onto each other for a short while, kissing hard in short bursts, gasping for breath in the continuing rain, which they'd forgotten about for a short while. Jen looked at Tilly with hunger and surprise and broke off their kisses.

"Wow... I didn't expect that..." she trailed off, watching the streams of water run down Tilly's face.

"I thought you might like that. I wanted to touch you so badly, and then I wanted to touch myself in front of you even more."

"That was so unbelievably hot," the words stumbled from Jen's lips. "I mean watching you... not being able to touch you... Oh my god!"

Tilly beamed from ear to ear, and mischievously whispered, "I want to do it again sometime. I loved seeing you powerless..." Jen felt herself flush hot, and could do nothing but remain silent and incredibly turned on.

Tilly stepped back and started to pull her trousers back up. It wasn't easy and they were cold on her skin now that the heat from their sex was subsiding. She started to shiver slightly, and Jen noticed.

"There are some blankets in the boot, let's get wrapped up and get back home to the warmth!"

Tilly smiled, pleased at her work, and as she sat wrapped up in the car, she just watched Jen drive, not needing to say anything, the object of her desire, knowing that they had the strongest bond, and a sexual chemistry like no other.


	22. Chapter 22

_Accompanying soundtrack: Celldweller – "Frozen"_

Jen had been left with more than just a warm feeling as she thought about the night before with Tilly, but she frowned when she remembered Tilly was out with Esther this evening and she wasn't. Yesterday had left a lasting impression on both on them she was certain, and knew she just had to be patient. Jen, of course, was now insanely impatient, but she had no choice but to be open-minded about everything. She felt conflicted, because she knew she couldn't mope around over Tilly, and being out with H tonight, followed by a late-date with Jess, was an enticing prospect she shouldn't allow the Tilly cloud to rain on.

As it turned out Jess was free that evening because someone wanted to swap shifts with her, and Jen didn't really mind that the three of them went out. H seemed to be alright with that too, even though it was supposed to be a bro's night out. It made it just that little bit easier if there was someone else to talk to as well, and it took the pressure off uneasy silences. Not that there were many silences in a loud club playing some quite decent alternative music.

Jen walked down the stairs into the club with Jess and H, and her heart fell when unbelievably she could see Esther and Tilly on the other side of the room. A whole raft of feelings welled up within her, a frustrating mix of lust and anguish, and she temporarily shut her eyes and swallowed hard. H caught sight of Jen and instantly felt protective of her. Jen had told H about the escapades if the previous night, but she'd omitted to mention the strength of the feelings that were resurfacing for Tilly.

It was busy and dark in the room, and they settled on a place to stand before H excused herself. H walked in the direction of Tilly, and walked close by to her, catching her eyes and saying a cursory 'Hello' out loud, before she whispered into Tilly's ear, "That's Jess; that's your competition. She's hot, she's good in bed, and she's got no baggage. You are screwed," and with a devilish smile she continued to the bathroom.

It was quite clear H was on Team Jess. She only ever wanted the best for Jen and seeing Tilly there with Esther was tantamount to flaunting her unavailability right in Jen's face. She couldn't let that go.

Tilly was wrong-footed by the unexpected fury seething out of H's words. She knew H didn't like her – didn't approve of what was happening, but she hadn't expected an assassination attempt. The atmosphere was palpable and Esther looked at Tilly with confusion. "Just Jen's best friend being a bitch as usual," she said to Esther, trying to diffuse the situation, and taking Esther's arm led her to the side and out of the potential pathway of H upon her return journey.

H's little tête-à-tête with Tilly hadn't gone unnoticed by Jen, and when H returned Jen hastily pulled her close, "What did you say to her?" she hissed angrily, trying to make sure that Jess couldn't hear.

"I told her that the little stunner on your arm is her competition, and that she's screwed cos she doesn't stand a chance," H replied bluntly.

Jen looked furious at H, the rage boiling her eyes, her brow furrowed. She grasped H by her shirt, "What the fuck!"

H was taken aback by exactly how riled Jen had gotten.

"Woah, Jen, chill out, it's a bit of friendly banter to see just how much Tilly wants to fight for you." H was telling Jen what she wanted to hear, but she didn't genuinely believe it. "She's out with Esther, you're out with this hot piece of ass stood right next to you. Tilly needs to know what she's missing out on, and if she wants you that badly she'll sort out her shit with Esther sooner rather than later."

Jen released her grip, and H smoothed down the wrinkled material on her shirt. Unfortunately this hadn't gone unnoticed by Jess, who was staring at the pair in confusion, wondering what the issue was. "Guys, what's the issue?" she chimed in.

"Nothing," H smiled at her, "just a bit of playful banter about who's the hotter of the two of us – and it's me obviously." She winked at Jess, who smiled back uneasily.

"Ignore her, she's just being a twat," and Jen shot a look at H which signalled their discussion wasn't over, just temporarily paused. "Would you like to get some drinks for us?" and she placed a peck on Jess's lips and ran her hand down her shoulder and arm before she handed her a £20. As Jess turned to the bar, Jen ran her hand down Jess's back, culminating in a playful smack on her arse. She then turned back to H and her face instantly changed.

"Stop fucking about with Tilly, this isn't a joke," Jen growled at her.

"Jen, Tilly needs to see she has some healthy competition, and believe me, Jess is more than an adequate match for Tilly. It'll do her no harm to see that you are not this feeble little woman who's going to fall faint every time you see her. She's here with Esther and you have no opportunity with her tonight, put your energies into Jess." H looked deadly serious.

Jen was beginning to realise the activities of the previous night were still imprinted on her so clearly, and she was smarting from seeing Tilly with Esther when then had been so fervently together last night. It was proving more difficult than she had anticipated to act nonchalant around them, when they inevitably all ended up in the same place. She just hadn't figured it'd be quite so soon.

She felt a hand on her arm and snapping her back into the present realised it was Jess with the drinks.

"Here's your weak-ass cider," she said, sticking her tongue out at Jen hoping the ructions between her and H were now ceased.

"Thanks sexy," Jen said, and without warning pulled her in for a short but determined kiss. Assuming that Jen had returned to her senses, H looked away for a moment, and accidentally directly her view at Tilly, who she could see was surreptitiously watching the kiss. H smiled at her, knowing that the game was properly on, and Tilly dropped her eyes regretfully and looked away.

Jen had made all endeavours to ignore Tilly and Esther for the rest of the evening knowing it would be for the best, and she concentrated her efforts onto Jess and H, who were getting on together pretty well for a first meeting. Jen had warned Jess about H's reputation, and that she was primarily walking Viagra. With that in mind Jen wasn't worried about the playful flirting between H and Jess, knowing it was purely H's 'getting to know you' ritual, and Jen was actually quite drawn in by the sexual energy that was flying round. When she eventually excused herself to visit the bathroom, she jokingly issued a "Behave" to H, with a wink to Jess, as she stood up.

As she washed her hands in the bathroom she heard the door open behind her, and looked in the mirror to see Jess grinning at her. Jess sidled up and put her arms round Jen, kissing her neck. Jen spun around and connected with her lips, pulling her in to a strong embrace, inhaling the passion that was flowing between them. Jen relaxed back sitting on the work surface and letting Jess position herself between her legs. She felt an animalistic connection between the two of them. She broke their kiss.

"H is quite the charmer isn't she. Her hormones are off the chart, aren't they?"

They dotted their kisses between broken sentences.

"Once you've gotten past the overpowering sexual presence she has, she's a great person to know."

"I can imagine. You've never slept with her?"

"God no, she's a hump and dump, although she winds me up relentlessly about it. I'd never be able to handle her."

"Can you handle me though?" Jess teased, staring at Jen with intense lust.

"My hormones are off the chart a little recently too. And I'm pretty sure I can handle you…" Jen breathed back in a low tone, and forced her lips back on to Jess, her hands running through her hair, pulling Jess towards her. It was fair to say that Jess brought a very sexual side out in Jen, one she always knew existed, but only manifested itself once someone else had done the initial running, and she considered herself much less vanilla than others might think. The heat and the energy was building, and the two were completely lost in the moment and hey had both temporarily forgotten where they were until they were disturbed by the bathroom door opening, and an "oh sorry," from the woman who'd walked in on their ardent clinch.

As she caught sight of the woman, Jen realised it was Tilly. It was typical really that it would have been her, if anyone, was likely to interrupt them. Jen felt like fate was playing games with her, and she was slightly embarrassed by the position she felt herself in. Jess was none the wiser as to whom the ginger stood by the door was, but did pick up on Jen's discomfort at the interruption. It had been a mere 24 hours since Jen and Tilly fucked ferociously in the rain, and Tilly was genuinely surprised to see her in a compromising position with another woman in the bathroom.

"Let's go back out, H will be wondering what we're up to," said Jen.

"I'm pretty sure Helen knows what we're up to," and Jess winked at Jen, as she felt herself being pulled towards the door and back out into the club, past Tilly who was staring at Jen. Jen fixed her stare momentarily, but gave nothing away on her face. Tilly was struggling to come to terms with the new found confidence that Jen seemed to exude. Her cock-sure and brusque demeanour made her all the more attractive to Tilly, who was dealing with competing feelings of jealously and being strangely aroused. She caught her reflection in the mirror and realised even more that she wanted Jen, and only Jen, and the thought of going back into the club and seeing Jen all over another person would drive her crazy.

"I was about to send out a search party," H teased as Jen and Jess returned to their table.

"Sorry, we got distracted" Jess replied with a wicked wink.

H was pleasantly surprised than Jen was taking the bull by the horns and figured her exit cue wasn't too far away. She'd already been having some indecent eye contact with someone, and was keen to make some follow up indecent skin contact.

"Well, you two lovelies clearly don't need this third wheel, unless you're tempted yet Jen…" she paused and pursed her kips, "nope, well if you'll excuse me, I've got a hunt to complete." She gave Jess a peck on the cheek, bowed her head with a hand flourish to Jen, and whisked herself off in the direction of her quarry.

"One of these days I'm going to say _'Yes'_ just to see how she reacts, cocky bugger," quipped Jen.

"Well, before that happens, I hope you're saying yes to me tonight," and Jess looked lustfully again at Jen, aching to continue where they'd left off in the bathroom, "we have some unfinished business I need you to attend to," and she placed Jen's hand discreetly between her thighs.

Jen swallowed, and looking Jess up and down hungrily she replied, "I'll get the coats."

Tilly watched them leave together, feeling sick at the thought of them together. She had brought this upon herself by trying to be decent and letting Esther down gently, but it was tearing her up inside to see Jen with another woman, and they seemed incredibly well suited on first impressions. Tilly was kicking herself for letting Jen get away in the first place, and knew that there might be a struggle ahead to get her back based on the chemistry she'd seen. Her jealousy was in danger of getting in the way, but she had to remember that it was her own choice that had led Jen to choose an open path – at least for the time being.

Jess and Jen arrived back at Jess's flat. They'd barely made it up the stairs fully clothed, and it was only a few seconds after the door had closed that they were completely naked, hands and mouths searching each others bodies.


	23. Chapter 23

_[NB. Readers, you know I'm all about Team Jelly, but Tilly shouldn't get away with her actions lightly, and she's gonna have to fight harder…]_

_Accompanying soundtrack: __Hesta Prynn – "Can We Go Wrong"_

Jen awoke in Jess's bed for the second time, and smiled as she remembered the previous night, and licked her lips at the events of the after club party from the woman lying beside her. She ran a lingering hand down the naked back at the side of her. Her smile turned into a frown equally as quickly when she remembered the earlier part of the evening with Tilly. She was struggling to manage her emotions and wondered how she'd gotten herself caught up in such a situation. Seeing Tilly last night was a completely different experience than the night before, and she couldn't work out if she'd been cruel to Tilly, or just patently honest. She had such a strong physical connection with them both, which she loved and hated equally, it was all pretty confusing. The only thing she did genuinely knew is that she'd never had such good sex.

* * *

"So, you two were pretty hot together last night," H's voice rang clear in her ear as Jen opened her front door to see her erstwhile compadre grinning at her.

"There sure as hell is some spark between you, and I'm not sure I've seen it in quite the same way before." H was going to be throwing compliments left right and centre hoping to find out if Jen was going to consider giving Jess a serious chance.

"I have to admit that I'm certainly very drawn to her in… several ways." She breathed out heavily, biting her bottom lip. "I think it's fair to say she's…" she stopped a moment and refocused, "…more experienced than Tilly. Definitely more adventurous, although Tilly seems to be stepping up a gear herself after Friday night." Jen swallowed at the thoughts running through her head, dropping her eyelids and temporarily losing herself in a swathe of blurry images of naked flesh.

"Oh my little Jen, it is all I can do to NOT pursue you for more graphic details of both nights, but I know your prudish nature will prevent you from telling me about the good stuff in any detail. Unless…"

"H, what the hell am I going to do," the exasperated brunette groaned. It was clear that the uncommon situation of trying to juggle two women at once, one of which she was probably still very much in love with, the other of which stirred in her some almost indescribable chemistry.

"Jen, why do you need to DO anything just yet? Why are you not just enjoying the hell out of this? I would be…" H raised her eyebrows questioningly. "In fact, you don't need to do anything AT ALL if memory serves. You're _foolishly," _she dipped her head in slightly towards Jen, "…waiting for someone elses decision so you can make your own…" she tailed off, hoping a pregnant pause would stir something in Jen.

"I mean, since when do you let other people dictate your life decisions? I've got to be honest, Tilly burnt her bridges a good while back. I wouldn't have wasted an ounce of energy on her because she doesn't deserve it. How could you just go back to something which nearly destroyed you? I don't see a Hollywood happy ending with this one. The nice gays in the film always die, or break up. Where's mean Jen just looking out for herself…" She leaned in and whispered, "I like mean Jen." H was spouting some harsh words and Jen was struggling to listen, because she just didn't want to hear the truth.

"I'm Team Jen. Babe, I'm always Team Jen," H continued, but slightly softened of voice, "…I don't pick a favourite because it's not my choice to pick, but if you twisted my arm…." She dropped her head slightly and fixed her stare to Jen, "… If you twisted my arm I'd enjoy the pain for a while, and then I'd pick Jess."

Jen didn't want to hear it, but she had no choice. H put forward a simple argument. Into her head again crept images of Tilly and Esther together.

"Seeing them out last night…." Jen frowned, "Well it was just fucking weird. I can't watch them, together, be around them. It just doesn't sit right with me – and technically I'm cheating on Jess. Even though we've not put any definitions around ourselves and we've only had like 3 dates, I'm not starting things on the right foot with her, and I don't think that's fair. And Tilly is cheating on Esther, best intentions of an easy let down or not. What the hell is that about?"

"Do you know if Jess is seeing any one else at the same time?" H asked the million dollar question, knowing Jen wouldn't have talked to her about this, trying to subtly point out that it's not cheating if you've not defined the relationship - whatever it was that their relationship was.

"That's not really the kind of thing I tend to discuss with people early doors. It smacks a little too much of _'I want to own you from day 1'_ , and how can anyone expect to have that chat without seeming like a bunny boiler?" Jen looked back, trapped by the comment, and raised her hand to rub her head behind her ear, before resting her cheek on her hand.

"So… looking at this objectively," H started, "You and Jess are currently having undefined and therefore non-exclusive, no-strings dates and hot, hot sex. You are also having defined non-exclusive, but emotional dates and getting-hotter-sex with Tilly."

"I've no idea how you managed to summarise that into one sentence," Jen said, shaking her head, breathing out and blowing up the hair in her fringe.

"Jen, the long and the short of it is that you're too early in the relationship to 'define' with Jess and Tilly has made it quite clear she's still with Esther. So… ," and she looked her friend straight in the eye, "why do you give a damn?"

"I don't know," Jen frowned, trying to work out why she actually did.

"Hun, if the tables were turned with Tilly – she was single, of sorts, and you weren't, do you think she'd just wait around for you to ditch your current squeeze in favour of her? I mean a little extra-curricular mashing of private parts is all well and good, but we're talking relationships here. Not to mention the fact she's going to be feeling guilty cos she's fucking you whilst she's still with Esther. If I were you – thank God I'm not – I'd be having nothing to do with her til Esther is completely out of the picture. In fact, if it were me, I'd bin Tilly completely and concentrate on that luscious little hotpants bar wench," and she licked her lips lasciviously.

"She is hot, I'll give you that, but it can't just be that simple though, can it," Jen didn't want to accept that she could make a choice, even though she could, because at the moment she wanted them both, for different reasons.

"Actually Jen," H said, grabbing hold of her right hand with her own, "it's the simplest thing in the world. "You have nothing to lose with Jess, so that should be your choice." Jen looked crestfallen. "Babe, sharing Tilly is no good for you, history or not. You can't live your life in second place waiting for the phone to ring. And in the meantime there's a gorgeous carnal smörgåsbord waiting for you," raising a single eyebrow and pouting a little.

"You would say that though, you're '_Team Jess'_ Jen sneered a little.

"Let me tell you, babe, if you're NOT Team Jess, then let her off the hook and give me her number, because I'd be all up in that cooch in a heartbeat! She's waay too good to waste!" Jen found H's comments typically distasteful, but it was dawning on her that Tilly was the same age as Jess, and that their history aside Jess was an equally exciting prospect, if not better. Jen took a swig of her drink and wondered if H was right afterall.

"Ok, final comment…" H was getting tired of trying to convince Jen and wanted to change the subject. "You know what to expect out of a relationship with Tilly. Don't you want to try someone different, even if it's just for short while? You might be missing out on the greatest thing because you're afraid to leave aside your comfort blanket. It's time to change the bedding and put that manky blanket to one side – out of reach." H looked serious, and was challenging Jen's thoughts every second. Jen sighed again.

"I need to stop this with Tilly, don't I? I need to make her choose, and then I'll decide if I want that choice." Jen looked sad, speaking the words out loud that she knew to be the truth.

"IF she chooses you - She might not…." H was playing devils advocate, and ever the realist.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, you shit."

"Just being realistic babe. If she's too chicken shit to dump her outright, she might not have the balls to do it at all. Ever." She squeezed her on the shoulder, and stood up to make another drink.

Jen was effectively left with Hobson's choice.


	24. Chapter 24

_Accompanying Soundtrack: Peaches – "I Feel Cream"_

Jen felt a little sick. She knew that in the short term it was the right thing to do but she sure as hell didn't feel any better about it. In an ideal world she would have cloned herself and done a timeshare with her twin, but disappointingly science isn't advanced enough to manage polygamy efficiently yet.

She'd already arrived at the restaurant in the village, and sat at the table by the window waiting for Tilly to arrive, anxiously chewing a little on her nails and trying to psych herself up. She'd gotten half way through her glass of wine when she finally saw the ginger coming in through the door, and she wasn't prepared for her own reaction. Tilly looked stunning, and Jen was finding it hard to subdue her reaction.

Gone were the usual jeans and top, replaced with a long dress, cut low at the front, hinting just enough at the cleavage and soft pale skin which lay underneath. And as she came closer to the table Jen saw the dark lipstick, accented cheekbones, perfectly sculptured eyebrows and smoky eyes smouldering at her. It was fair to say that Jen was breathless at the vision in front of her, and her previous thoughts were forgotten in an instant.

"Wow!" was all Jen could eventually manage, her eyes transfixed as Tilly sat in front of her at the table.

"Thank You," said Tilly, smiling back at her, happy with the response she had elicited. Tilly knew exactly what she was doing. After she'd seen Jen with Jess the other night she figured it was time to step it up a gear. It was a curious situation as Tilly didn't need to win Jen back and she knew it, she just needed to get rid of Esther. But she just couldn't, and she wanted to make sure that Jen had something that would keep her interested in the meantime. It was fair to say Jen's mind was working overtime, head filled with impurity. She'd been blind-sided by the vision in front of her, and was now allowing her hormones to cast doubt onto her decision to not see Tilly any more whilst Esther was still on the scene. _'Everyone thinks more clearly the morning after'_ she thought, thinking that she ought not deny herself a final bite of the intoxicating cherry placed before her.

"Did I mention how good you look tonight, too," started Tilly, taking another mouthful, peering at Jen over her fork.

Slightly taken by surprise, Jen half coughed whilst swallowing her food, and did an embarrassing job of regaining her composure.

"Thank You," she said, not really one to take a compliment very well. "I have to say I couldn't take my eyes off you when you walked in. You knock the rest of the people in here into a cocked hat."

Tilly smiled back. "I was wondering," she started, "If we might get dessert to go…" she trailed off, biting her lip, and looking straight at Jen, determined and confident.

"Absolutely," Jen replied, not breaking their eye contact. "What do you fancy?" she said, with a raised eyebrow. Jen resisted the urge to say the obvious.

"I like something with chocolate and cream," Jen said, keeping a straight face, trying not to give anything away to Tilly.

Tilly licked her lips. "I'll be right back", and she stood up from the table and headed in the direction of the bathroom.

Jen sat back, smiling slightly to herself, wondering how she'd managed to engineer such a perfect situation. She ran her finger through the remaining sauce on her plate, and licked it from her fingers. It tasted good. The whole evening so far tasted good. She was a little lost in her thoughts when Tilly came back to the table, carrying a white cardboard box.

"Let's go," she said, with mischievous eyes.

"But I was going to pay…" started Jen, but Tilly cut her off.

"It's sorted, and I have chocolate and cream to go. And I really could do with someone helping me find something to do with this," she nodded at the box, "so let's go."

She grabbed Jen's hand and pulled her up from the table. As they stepped outside, the cold bite in the air hit their faces, and the moon caught the glint in Tilly' eyes. Releasing Jen's hand, Tilly gently but firmly pushed her towards the wall and pushed her lips onto Jen's, Jen not stopping to think of anything else other than hoping the kiss would become intensely passionate.

Instead it didn't. Tilly broke away, grabbed her hand again, and started walking up the street. Jen, was confused, but had no choice but to follow. Sensing the hesitance, Tilly turned to Jen.

"I'm not doing this in public Jen, I'm just giving you a taster of what will be." She smiled a wide grin, and Jen grinned back. It was fair to say that a small fire had started in her loins, and she could only imagine this growing bigger as the evening progressed. Jen was so much attracted to confident women, and every day in the classroom she was the one in charge of the children, and if she was perfectly honest, she was quite receptive to some power play from Tilly.

After a short walk they arrived at a door. Tilly took out her key, unlocked it, and led Jen inside. Tilly put the white box down on the table, and without real warning Tilly advanced on Jen swiftly, kissing her with a deliberate roughness to indicate her obvious intention. Jen was slightly taken aback at first, but happily let Tilly take the lead and she relaxed into the kiss.

"Turn around," Tilly instructed.

Tilly was stood behind Jen, her hands searching all over Jen's body, caressing, squeezing, feeling for reactions. Tilly's hands went lower until she pulled up Jen's skirt and was clearly rubbing Jen through the material of her knickers. It was obvious at this point that dessert would wait.

Feeling Jen react to her touch, Tilly increased the pressure slightly, she heard Jen inhale, and her head relaxed backwards slightly. Tilly kissed Jen's neck, occasionally softly biting at her. The kisses flowed over into Jen's body, the desire being absorbed into her body temperatures and heart rate. Tilly started to undo the buttons on Jen's top, not wanting her clothes to be an obstruction, and let it fall to the floor, whilst Jen remained standing still. She could feel the texture change from the cloth to Jen's smooth, warm skin. She undid her bra and then Tilly pushed Jen's skirt down her legs and onto the floor around her ankles, running her hands back along Jens skin as she stood back up. Jen felt herself get so lost in the moment she didn't realise Tilly had stepped away from her. Jen turned around and saw Tilly at the table opening the white box. She grinned furiously at Jen, with what could only be described as sheer wickedness and lust, as she took dessert from the box which Jen saw now was almost exactly as Tilly said, it was chocolate sauce and cream.

"Now I'm wondering what I can do with this?" Tilly looked enquiringly at Jen, licking her lips, wondering what Jen would look like with dark chocolate covering her deliciously pale skin.

"There are a hundred things I can think of that you can do with that. And you," Jen said, emphasising the 'you' part, "can do whatever you please." She looked Tilly up and down slowly. "Shall we adjourn to somewhere more comfortable?"

Tilly watched Jen lie down on the bed, and didn't give her the opportunity to suggest what should happen next. She began to glide her hands along Jen's bare thighs, looking at her blank canvas. She pulled the top off the sauce container and started to pour it over Jen. It felt warm as it dripped on to her body, and Tilly painted a line from Jen's mouth down to her navel, pouring an ample amount onto her breasts. Tilly stopped, put down the cream, and removed Jen's pants. Then she picked up the cream and continued to pour from the chocolate trail downwards.

"The cream is my favourite," said Tilly admiring her artistry, "so I'm saving that bit for last. But now I have to get the rest of you clean," and Tilly stripped off all her own clothes and she set to work licking the sauce off Jen, from her neck with gentle biting and lingering, playfully teasing Jens breasts. She gently swirled the chocolate around the nipple with her tongue, before sucking the chocolate off with vigour. Her fingertips traced a circle over Jen's stomach, and then changed direction moving towards her upper abs. Jen was softly moaning out as Tilly continued down along her stomach, and Jen could do little more than run her fingers through Tilly's hair and envelop herself into the building sensation.

Pausing, Tilly raised her fingers to Jen's mouth for her to lick the chocolate off them.

"That's tastes good," Jen uttered once Tilly's fingers were clean, albeit temporarily clean. "I've been wondering how tonight would go, and it's definitely living up to my expectations." Tilly smiled, and Jen could only gasp a little more as Tilly reapplied contact to her body with her tongue and continued southwards. Whilst she wanted the pleasure to continue all night, Jen equally wanted Tilly to just devour her right now.

Tilly could sense Jen's wanton urgency, but this experience was for the both of them as much as their individual pleasures, and she wanted to make Jen wait as much as she could. Tilly got to the place between Jens legs, and began to lick all the cream off, tasting the cream and a little bit of her sweet wetness. Jen could do little more than utter incoherency as she subconsciously pushed her hips up towards Tilly.

Tilly raised up and reached for more chocolate, poured more on to the bare parts of Jen's body and splashed some down on top of the cream. Rubbing more of the chocolate into her breasts, Jen's nipples were so hard and she was happily delirious at the experience. With a combination of cream and chocolate on her face, Tilly moved up to kiss Jen, sliding her body along Jen's mixing the cream and chocolate and taking it on to her own skin.

Still kissing, as Tilly moved back down with every kiss she would gently swirl her fingers over Jen's skin, a touch so light that it made her stomach quiver underneath her. Tilly moved her fingers down between Jen's legs and tried to make sense of the slippery and delicious mess that greeted her, and her touch was interspersed with small moans and giggles. Jen closed her eyes, longing for Tilly's touch to be stronger. Tilly broke the kiss and slid back down between her legs, adding a little more cream and her tongue began to taste her again, slowly licking up and down, each time searching to go a little deeper.

"Please," Jen begged, struggling to keep herself under control, aching inside, desperately hoping for that specific touch she was hungering for. Tilly grinned to herself, knowing that she should bring an end the cruelty, and forming her tongue into a pointed spoon like shape and took the creamy chocolate mixture and made firm contact with Jens entrance, and darted in, shallow and slow to start with.

The impossibility of the continued slow progress was almost more than Jen could take and she moaned deeply and pushed herself further into Tilly, wanting to be despatched with brutal instance. Appreciating that enough was probably enough, she allowed a finger or two to slide down and hover around Jen's opening, and perfectly moistened by the continued mix of chocolate, cream, and Jen's own moistness she slid them inside her. There was no resistance, and even if Jen had tried to retain any sort of control over Tilly entering her, her body would have betrayed her immediately.

Jen's entire body relaxed as she welcomed the intrusion, and between guttural moans she tugged on Tilly's hair to get her attention and breathed aggressively, "Don't make me wait any longer."

Tilly obeyed for the first time that evening, and thrust in Jen with power and renewed intention, every stroke filling Jen and brushing her g spot. As Tilly continued to plunge her fingers into her, Jen could hold back no more, and rocking her hips in time with Tilly's motions, waves of intensity pulsated throughout her until Tilly could feel Jen tighten around her fingers and eventually Jen shuddered to a noisy and messy climax. She lay on the bed, panting hard, shaking and overwhelmed.

Once Jen had finished twitching, Tilly smiled up at her, sticky chocolate all round her face and her body. As much as Jen might need some recovery time, Tilly required her needs to be attended to.

"I think it's time for a shower," Tilly said, and she stood up and reached out for a towel draped over a chair. She took a couple of steps towards the bathroom, and then turned her head back towards Jen. "Join me," she smirked, "NOW," and continued in the direction of the bathroom.

"Well that's an offer I can't refuse," Jen said, jumping up still slightly wobbly, and heading for the bathroom.


	25. Chapter 25

_Accompanying Soundtrack: Pom Pom – "In The Dark"_

Jen woke the next day in an unfamiliar bed to a familiar face. Glancing at her watch, it was gone 10. Looking over at Tilly she still felt it was almost like a dream but the weight of the task at hand hung heavy. Jen didn't' regret last night at all, her response had been animalistic to say the least, but it would have made this much less awkward, and the task of today so much harder. Many times she'd wished for this to happen again, and even though it'd been so long, Jen still loved her so deeply. She smiled from ear to ear and watched the gently breathing figure next to her for some while, until Tilly started to stir. Tilly smiled over at Jen and gave her a soft kiss on the lips. Jen let her, but then quickly got out of the bed, knowing that she had to be firm in her resolve to not be with Tilly until Tilly could be wholly with her.

"What's the rush? Get back in" said Tilly, smiling over, patting the bed with an obvious glint in her eye.

"Look Tilly…" started Jen, sheepishly as she started to get dressed, "You know I'm…. I'm seeing someone and… you're still seeing Esther…look, this whole thing wasn't a good idea, and I wanted to say something last night … I got caught up in the moment and the memories and…" her words trailed off.

Tilly stared at Jen, saying nothing. In her head she was angry, but not with Jen, at herself. She knew there was a risk, after seeing Jen out the other night, that this dual-running of relationships was going to probably backfire, and now it was. Tilly was determined to try and put on a brave face and not show Jen just how much she was disappointed, but to try and talk her round in a practical way.

"Jen, we've talked about this – I can't just dump Esther after everything she's been through. She'll fall apart – she might even try to take her life again! I couldn't be so cruel."

"Tilly, I know we've talked about this, and I completely recognise the issues there are with Esther – I'm not a monster! But I can't be waiting on your beck and call. I can't be trying to juggle both of you, it's not fair to Jess, and it's not fair to me. You know I'm seeing Jess too, but when I saw you and I remembered how the earth moves when we get together, I couldn't resist. And boy it sure did move – you've honed your skills, girl!" A moment of brevity lifted the mood, but it didn't remain up for long.

"And that was OK, because Jess and I aren't 'defined' yet," She used her fingers to make air quotes, "and I knew I could handle you and Jess at the same time, but Esther… that's what I can't handle. My conscience speaks out for Esther. It kills me to do this but I won't share you, so until you're done with Esther, I can't see you again."

Tilly smiled, half confused by the compliment, but then her face fell, struggling with the guilt that was washing over her more and more. She hadn't expected this at all, it came completely from left field as she thought they had an understanding. Slowly the realisation was that she was going to have to make a choice, and the choice – whatever she picked, was going to be sweet and sour. Sensing Tilly's unease, Jen finished dressing, and knowing the time she weaved in her exit strategy.

"What time is it? I've got to be at H's for 11", she said, before looking at her watch. "Shit, it's 10.30 already… can I use your bathroom?" She jumped up and headed to the bathroom without waiting for Tilly to nod in acknowledgement. Once she'd closed the door, Jen walked over to the sink, placed her hands either side and with hunched shoulders looked at herself in the mirror. Sighing, she hung her head and closed her eyes for a minute. She reopened her eyes, took a deep breath, and composed herself, whilst trying to make herself look less like this was taking an emotional toll on her. Taking another deep breath she opened the bathroom door, and headed straight back to the bedroom, where Tilly was now also fully dressed and sitting solemnly on the edge of the bed. Jen wasn't prepared to give her a chance to talk her out of her decision.

"What's the best way to get back into town from here, Tills?" Jen wanted to keep it as friendly as possible, and was desperate to hide her awkwardness about the whole thing.

"There's an 83 that goes right past the front reasonably frequently. I… er… are you sure I can't offer you any breakfast Jen?" She felt like an idiot, and couldn't bear to broach the subject just that second, and she was desperately hoping that Jen would stay for just a little longer and she'd figure out what to say.

"No thanks love, if I'm late for H she'll wonder what I've been up to!" Tilly hadn't been expecting an emotional rollercoaster, and Jen seemed quite together, which completely threw her. Jen looked surprisingly OK which was quite the reverse of how Tilly herself was feeling. In fact a heady mix of guilt and heartache was tearing Tilly apart inside, and she wasn't doing the best job of keeping it buried.

Jen leant in and gave Tilly a soft but short kiss on the lips, She placed her hands onto Tilly's face and quietly uttered "If you can sort your head and your shit out and do the decent thing to leave Esther – And you can do it before Jess and I decide to get serious, then you know where I am," and she squeezed Tilly's hands for a moment before she headed for the door and out. Tilly stood, watched her leave, and tried to work out what just happened.

Jen was stood leaning on the other side of the closed door, breathing deeply, trying to fight back the tears. She'd decided that turning herself into H for 5 minutes – acting like she was perfectly OK with everything, was going to be the easiest way of getting out with her dignity. After a minute she headed down the stairs and started along the road on her way back in to town. With a heavy heart she replayed the last half hour over in her head. She didn't look back. She couldn't look back, but If she had have done, she's have seen Tilly watching her leave from the window, tears streaming down her face, mortified at the situation in which she found herself.

"Tilly?" the gentle voice from behind her sounded out, and she felt a hand on her shoulder. "Who was that? The voice sounded familiar but I can't quite place it yet." Tilly turned to see George, and he gasped a little when he saw her tears.

"It was no-one", she replied, defensively, knowing the last thing she needed was someone finding out about this. She had no idea what she was going to do, and everything was a massive mess. She shook the funk from her head and changed the subject.

"I wasn't expecting you back just yet. You were staying over with Stefan?"

"Yeah, but he had something to do," and he waved his hands around agitatedly to signify a non-descript 'thing' which he had no interest in. However, George wasn't fooled by Tillys less than subtle attempt at misdirection.

"Is there something we need to have a chat about, sweet?" and he looked at Tilly with serious but honest eyes, hoping that she could tell him what the problem was.

She breathed out deeply, and made a vague attempt to clear her throat, before forcing herself to swallow. She arched her eyebrows slightly before uttering quietly, "It was Jen."

"Jen?" George repeated with confusion, checking he'd heard clearly.

"Yeah," Tilly sighed, "Jen."

"Tilly, I don't understand. Why was Jen here?" he pursed his lips, frowning, trying to work out what Tilly was saying to him. She rubbed her hands over her face, and she rested herself against the wall.

"She was here…. I was… shit." She stopped to compose herself as best she could. "We've been sort of seeing each other. Well, we've slept with each other a few times these last couple of weeks," Tilly's eyes searched fervently for George's response.

"Wait, what? You've been seeing her?" He looked furious, and it could have been for a number of reasons. "Please tell me you're joking," he said taking Tilly's hand with both of his, a stunned face peering back at her. "Tilly?"

"I'm not joking," she said with a muted reply, a chill now creeping through her body as she realised the secret was out. "After that night we bumped into her in the pub, and she ran out crying… well I didn't know what to do really. I felt guilty if I'm honest, really guilty, but I couldn't go running after her because Esther was with us, and that would have seemed weird." She paused; George was frowning, but listening intently.

"I contacted her through her friend Helen, and I convinced her to meet up with me to clear the air. It wasn't my intention that we'd do anything other than talk, but there was still some very obvious chemistry between us and we ended up…" she tapped nervously her fingers, struggling to vocalise the words, and with a small sigh, "having sex… and realising there was still chemistry then we ended up going on some dates…." Her face was pale and sad, wondering what George was going to say next. She had feared this moment, where she no longer had control over what was happening, and she had no idea what she was going to do. George was shaking his head in disbelief.

"Tilly! Do you remember what you went through with her last time. And…" he stopped, eyes darting and searching as the realisation came flooding through "…Esther. You're with Esther, how can you have been seeing Jen?". Tilly looked sheepish and tried not to make eye contact, dropping her head slightly.

"I….. I wasn't thinking. The old feelings, they came flooding back," and she grabbed Georges arms with both of hers, shaking them slightly. "I would never want to hurt Esther, but we have such a completely different relationship to the one I had with Jen… it's hard to cast aside such chemistry."

"I didn't honestly think you'd be so shallow!" George spat back. "You're one of the most moral people I know. _Thought_ I knew!" George turned to leave, and Tilly grabbed firmly on to one of his arms to pull him back.

"George please…." Tilly didn't want beg but felt she might have no options, "it was a mistake… and I'm going to come clean to Esther about the whole thing, and deal with the consequences… whatever they are."

She could feel tears welling in her eyes again, but the problem was she wasn't sure they were for Esther. The fact her and Jen had been discovered was less painful than Jen having walked out on her again, and in a way George hearing Jen's voice was a relief, because it forced her hand.

"Please give me a chance to talk to Esther before you say anything, George. I owe it to her to be honest, and she needs to hear it from me." George hesitated before he grudgingly nodded his consent.


	26. Chapter 26

_[NB. I'm not massively happy with this chapter, but I wanted to get something out]_

_Accompanying soundtrack: Depeche Mode – "A pain that I'm used to"_

Tilly genuinely had no idea how she was going to do this. Her heart in her chest felt crushed and she felt short of breath. She leant against a wall, thoughts racing through her brain. She'd never seen Jen so positively confident and resolute in her actions. The last time at Hollyoaks when Jen had encountered Tilly it was a completely different situation, and Jen was defensive and guarded, hiding secrets and fearful of what might happen. This time things couldn't have been more opposite. Jen was open and blatantly honest, with a clear idea of exactly what she wanted whilst being pragmatically optimistic about the chances of her getting it.

Despite that, it had still been a hugely difficult thing for Jen to do to walk away from Tilly without any surety they would ever reconcile, but she firmly believed that if they were supposed to be together then Tilly would move heaven and earth to make that happen. No story she'd ever read, nor film she'd ever seen every really provided an easy route to happiness, and it seemed this wouldn't be much different, although Jen would like to believe she was a significant distance down this pathway now. Despite the angst in her brain, she knew that H would provide her will some clarity.

"Why do I do this to myself, H?" Jen pined, head bent over her coffee with the heat steaming up her glasses. She looked over the top of them enquiringly, eyebrows raised in frustration, hoping H would have a pearl of wisdom.

"Because you're a fucking idiot", H graciously replied. "But you're my idiot, and I love you, and it was the right thing to do."

"Not **quite** the response I was looking for, H", Jen now with her head to one side, resting it on her right hand, fingers toying with her hair.

"What do you want me to say Gilmore? You're not over her, you met up, you fucked, you thought you could re-kindle it but it's not right and she's STILL got a girlfriend. She's old news. You should never return to a lit firework." Realising that might have been a bit harsh, H softened her approach. "Look babe, I love you right, so I'm taking the blunt approach 'cos you did the right thing, and I'm just trying to make you see sense."

"But she was so in to it - just as much as I was! I mean new stuff, really intimate stuff," she blew her cheeks out at the thought of their liaison in the rain, "She never tried to stop me, in fact she bloody well encouraged it." Jen tried to work through it outloud. "She shouldn't have done knowing she wasn't single." Jen frowned with annoyance.

"Babe", H said to Jen, resting her hand on her shoulder, "It was sex. Really hot sex. You two know what each other like so it was easy for it to be great. But that was all it was. Sex. You fucked. You had a couple of dates. You can't give her anything else right now. Women can be just as shit as guys with this stuff you know. She read the signals, she knew exactly what she was doing – she knew you'd go back with her. But you're the one controlling this and she's not going to dictate what happens any more. If she can't dump Esther she's just toying with you and stringing you along."

"I hate you for being right", Jen grudgingly acknowledged sadly. "It was really, REALLY good sex though", and she smiled wryly at H.

* * *

Tilly was in quite the reverse mindframe, and she was struggling to understand why Jen had changed her mind and couldn't just have put up with her seeing Esther for a little while longer. The distance between Manchester and Chester didn't help for trying to engineer face to face discussions, and she knew this wasn't something she could deal with over the phone.

Tilly arranged for Esther to come over on the Friday evening, and she was dreading having to have the conversation, she knew it would be one of the hardest things to do, and the unpredictability of Esther's reaction was a completely unknown quantity. It was unfair to spend the whole weekend with her in seeming happiness and wait until Sunday to tell her and she was resolved to bring it up that evening. Tilly spent most of the afternoon pacing, looking at her watch and cleaning to try and pass this time. She'd asked George and Callum to be out so she could have privacy to talk to Esther. Callum didn't know the information George did, and so she'd told them both at the same time she wanted some alone time with Esther. A slight nod in George's direction had signalled to him the necessity of his compliance in the white lie.

When eventually she heard a knock on the door, her hands were trembling on the handle. It was easy enough to be self-assured when things were straightforward, but the huge amount of unknown just heaped on the pressure. As she opened the door she forced a smile. Esther smiled back but she looked agitated and wide-eyed.

"Hiya….. Are you Ok?" Tilly frowned as she noticed Esthers unease.

"No," the look on her face now showing worried, "Tom's gone missing. We've not heard from him all day and…" and her words tailed off and started to become incomprehensible as she sniffed and whimpered, blinking back the tears. Esther slumped into Tilly's arms, and Tilly closed her eyes and allowed and annoyed sigh to escape, realising that as much as she wanted to, she couldn't have 'the talk' to Esther tonight while she was in such an obvious state of distress.

"Why didn't you call me? You should have stayed with Frankie and Jack in Hollyoaks – family is more important at a time like this." Tilly tried her hard to sound sympathetic, but came across as perceptibly peeved, although Esther didn't appear to have noticed.

"I wanted to be here with you, to be safe. I can't do anything back home that isn't already being done."

The word jarred Tilly. The word irked Tilly. '_Safe'_. Esther saw her as a safe haven, her place of sanctuary. The irony was incredible. Their relationship was wrong on many levels, and the taint of the dishonour with Jen made it a hundred times worse. The more Tilly thought about it the more she almost couldn't bear to have Esther there with her, but she had no choice, and a cold shiver ran through her.

Tilly sat on the sofa with Esther, arm around her shoulder to comfort her, offering the compassion any friend would. All her brain could think about was to speak the words. Esther was a tragic character and potentially no time was ever going to be the right time to bring up something like this.

They sat for several hours, watching TV but saying nothing, occasional sniffling otherwise breaking the silence, until Tilly heard the front door and George had returned, minus Callum who'd stayed out. The first thing George spotted Esther's obviously red eyes and he looked at Tilly with a wry smile.

"You told her then?" he said, aiming his words at Tilly. Tilly's face fell, and wild eyes fired, tried to signal to George to stop him. Esther raised her head off Tilly's shoulder and stared up at George.

"Told me what?" she quietly croaked.

George stared at her and then flicked his view to Tilly.

"You haven't told her?" he frowned, an accusatory tone to his voice.

Tilly was mortified, and wanted George to just shut the hell up, but by this point there was no chance of that happening.

"Tilly. You promised. It's not fair."

"George, now isn't the time," Tilly growled through gritted teeth, "Tom's gone missing".

"George, what are you talking about?" Esther fired back the question to George, picking up on the frosty atmosphere between the two of them.

"Tom's gone missing?" George hesitated. "Tilly, it's still not an excuse, tell her or I will," and he scowled at her with a fixed stare. Tilly thought George was being unnecessarily cruel, but he'd given her no alternative. She could feel Esthers eyes were boring into her.

"Shit," and she drew her hand to her mouth. "I slept with someone else. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't want to tell you today because of you saying Tom had gone missing.""

"What?" Esther looked visibly shaken and confused. "You slept with someone else? Are you serious? When…. Who?"

"A couple of weeks ago, and I owe you complete honesty… it was more than once." She stopped for a moment, a mist descending and the guilt gripping hold.

"I didn't intend for it to happen, and It hadn't been anything I'd thought about doing." Her face looked grey.

Esther looked at her in complete disbelief.

"Who?" Esther asked again, as if it would make a difference to her.

"It's not anyone you know. It's someone I met at Uni."

Tilly wasn't prepared to reveal that piece of information because she felt it could only make things worse, if that was possible. George watched the drama unfold between the two shook his head, unable to understand why Tilly wouldn't tell Esther it was Jen.

Esther had started sobbing again by now, and Tilly's heart fell at the pain she was causing. But the truth was out, and there was nothing could be done.

"Esther, our chemistry has always been based on friendship and for me, a little out of a need to protect you. But for me… that's not enough. I need genuine passion and heat, to love someone so completely that I can't breathe when they're not there. I love you, but… it's not enough for me. Together we're too.." she searched for a word which might seem less derogatory, and she finally came up with the word, "soft." It was a relief for Tilly to finally express the words, but she hated herself for having to do it in the first place.

"Soft? God, you're so self-centred!" Esther howled at her, rising from the couch and standing over Tilly. "I can't believe I'm hearing this. And you," She pointed frantically at George, "You knew! You knew about this! What the hell, you've both betrayed me!" Esther rolled her eyes and looked back at Tilly. Her head felt light as if she'd been breathing in fumes.

"I never thought you'd be so shallow." She fumbled out the angry words, " I trusted you. What is wrong with you Tilly, that you think it's OK to hurt me like this?" She was shouting quite agitatedly now.

"Esther, I never…" Tilly started, but George cut off before she could get far.

"Esther I only found out the other day and I insisted Tilly tell you as soon as possible. I promise I didn't know before that. I was a disgusted as you." His voice was pleading and repentant and he made a move to touch Esther on the shoulder but she moved away from him.

"Enough! I'm not hanging around to listen to this," and she started towards the door. Tilly grabbed for her arm and pulled her back.

"Esther don't leave like this, don't leave angry, we can talk about this and rationalise things." Esther roughly pulled her arm back and almost raised it at Tilly, but stopped herself.

"Fuck you!" and she walked out of the door.

"Shit!" Tilly said out loud. "Shit, shit, shit!"

"You've no-one to blame but yourself, Tilly. How did you expect her to react?"

She sighed.

"Exactly like that I suppose. She was never going to take it well, was she? I feel like such a shit."

"So you should!" and George turned and headed towards his room.

Tilly sat back down, punching the sofa again as she did. She felt like complete and utter shit, and she knew that Esther would never forgive her, and there was a good chance George wouldn't either, but despite all that it was still somehow cathartic.


	27. Chapter 27

_Accompanying soundtrack: LadyHawke 'My Delerium'_

The first thing Tilly did was to text Jen to tell her that the relationship with Esther was through. There were several other people Tilly should have text first, but Jen was at the forefront of her mind. With that done she knew she needed to try and mend some fences with Esther. Tilly knew that she was still fragile and couldn't risk her actions being responsible for pushing Esther over the edge again. Unsurprisingly Esther didn't answer her call, which made Tilly panic

When Jen received Tilly's text she was at H's watching a film. They'd taken the unusual step of staying in to watch a film because Jen pleaded for them not to have another night out. H grumpily agreed on the proviso that Jen bought the pizza and the drink.

"Fuck! She's done it!"

"Mmmh?" was all that H could manage from her slumped position on the sofa.

"She's told Esther!" and she swung her legs up from H's lap and dropped them on to the floor. "She's done it." Jen stared at H, wide-eyed, a gentle smile slowly creeping over her face.

"Marvellous," replied H, deadpan and facetious.

Jen looked at H. H looked back at her and sighed.

"Jen, you know I don't want to you to get back together with Tilly. I can't be happy about this. And I know you're not officially seeing Jess anyway, but I can tell she's pretty in to you. I don't know why you insist on dropping everything for Tilly when there are – in my opinion, much better options available."

"At no point did I say I was going to drop Jess for Tilly," Jen said quietly.

"But you are though, aren't you?" The pair we silent for a minute.

"H. I never stopped wanting her. The need got less and less over time, the reminders of her faded, but the lack of contact and the hurt could never outweigh the want. And I could plan a million things to do in my life, and be as focused as I could be, but love has an amazing habit of changing perspective. You're never going to understand that because you don't 'do' love. I don't want to not give this another chance and be forever wondering what it could have been. Tilly's the same age as Jess, yet we already have this enormous history stretching behind us."

"BEHIND you," H replied matter-of-factly. "As in '_The Past'_ - where it should be left." She wasn't going to be won over easily. "What did you say in your response to her text?"

"I haven't sent one yet." Jen's answer was a surprise.

"I would've thought you'd have sent one back in seconds, and then gone running out to see her." H was now clearly mocking.

"I wasn't expecting her to have done it so soon actually, it's taken me by surprise!"

"I sense hesitancy in your voice. Is there any chance at all you're going to see sense and not revisit old ground?" Jen shook her head. "Thought not."

"I am going to be a little more cautious though," Jen replied, surprisingly. "I'm worried about how Esther will have taken it. She vulnerable, and she's 17, and no matter how much my own personal feelings are jumping for joy right now, I hope it will never be at the expense of misery of another. Esther was the catalyst last time for the break up, and I accept I right royally fucked up how I handled that, including the fact I lied to Tilly. I want Tilly to know that if she needs to support Esther she can, but that I'm always going to have thoughts in the back of my head… Esther isn't just going to let her go so easily, surely? Their relationship is founded on such an impossibly deep emotional level it cannot just be severed with a single cleave." She fell silent.

"How can you be happy about this. There's too much drama and it just seems too hard work. Bloody teenagers. I wish you'd get involved with people your own age. There's less chance of this emotional teen angst bullshit, and of a half decent relationship will a well adjusted human adult."

"This insightful moral steer coming from the fucking sex addict?" Jen spat back.

"Alright, maybe that came out a bit harsh, but it feels like being back at school again, held hostage by childish threats to go running to the teacher." H immediately regretted her words.

"I need to go," and she grabbed her coat and headed for the door.

"Jen….!" H shouted after her but she didn't stop. "fuck's sake," H rubbing her face, and running through her hair with her hands in frustration.

Jen sat on the wall outside H's, not quite sure what just happened but still angry. In truth she was confused, and anxious that she could just be repeating the same mistake with Tilly, even though the circumstances were completely different, and _MOST_ of the main causes from last time were no longer a factor, there was still Esther. And the possibility Tilly could have an attack of conscience at any time? She took her phone from her pocket and called the number.

"Hey."

"Hey you. Thought I better check in with you after that text you sent. How'd it go?" Jen wanted to pry in the most gentle way possible.

"I think there's a chance that having my eyes burned out with lasers would have been less painful. It's fair to say the best laid plans of mice and men went substantially awry. George got involved and there was a lot of collateral damage." Tilly's voice fell as she spoke.

"George got involved? How did George get involved in all this?"

"He saw you leave the other day. Or rather he heard you. Either way, he knew you were there and called me out on it to tell Esther."

"So he forced you to do it?" Jen was surprised by this information.

"In a way, yeah. He said either he told Esther, or I did." Tilly sighed.

"Right, so you're saying you wouldn't have told Esther yet if he hadn't have found out?"

"Well…. No. I mean, I was still working through how to do it and it was just a matter of right time and tight place, and then George sort of forced my hand. But then Esther said Tom had gone missing so I couldn't do it, but then George came home and blurted it out and it all got a bit messy." The words just dumped themselves out of Tilly's brain, imparting a lot of information in such a short space. Jen frowned as she listened.

"Wait, What….? Tom's missing, and it was George who told Esther you wanted to split up?"

"I'd planned to tell Esther tonight. But when she arrived she said Tom was missing and despite my best efforts she wouldn't go back to Hollyoaks and wanted to feel safe her with me. She I didn't tell her. But when George came back he thought I had, and…" she paused, shutting her eyes, "…well Esther went apeshit, shouted some and left." Tilly knew it sounded pretty crappy.

"You let her walk out in that state, are you mad? You know what she's like, she's unstable." There was a brief silence. "I mean she's vulnerable," Jen backtracked

"Don't you think I know that! I was the one who picked up the aftermath of the last 'unstable' fuck up." Tilly was annoyed at Jen sniping about Esther when it just wasn't necessary. No matter what Esther was, or had been, Tilly still loved her as a friend and wasn't going to stand for Jen badmouthing her.

"She walked out Jen, I couldn't stop her. And she's not answering her phone. You're right – she is vulnerable, and I feel responsible for this whole fucking mess. I need to go and try to find her."

"I'm sorry." Jen realised she'd overstepped the mark, and that Tilly being in a foul mood was just adding fuel to the fire. "I can come and help you search if you want," she said, sounding weak and tractable.

"I don't think that's a very good idea. She doesn't know it was you. I didn't want to hurt her any more than was absolutely necessary, so I told her I'd been seeing someone from Uni. It just seemed like the right thing to do. The end result was the same." Tilly stopped speaking, feeling guilty, not entirely sure how Jen would react to that admission.

"Listen, just see if there's anything you can do for Esther, and we'll chat about this whole mess once you've heard from her."

"Ok, speak to you later," and Tilly hung up.

Tilly felt like shit, and Jen didn't feel much better either. It was Friday night and she was sitting outside on a cold wall, on her own. She was annoyed at H for still being unsupportively Team Jess. Esther was still creating issues in one way or another and seemed to be a problem that would never go away, and Tilly… well, who knows what the situation was with her, because Jen felt that maybe Tilly wouldn't have done anything if George hadn't been involved. All she wanted was an easy life and no confusion, and right now it was just too damn complicated.

She took out her phone again, and turned to the only drama-free fun source she could think of.

"Hey you, let me know when your shift at the bar ends - I need a drink and the company of a good looking woman."


	28. Chapter 28

_[NB, definitely not safe for work...]_

_Accompanying soundtrack: You Say Party - There is XXXX (Within My Heart)_

Jen was a mess when she woke up the next day. She'd no idea how things had escalated so quickly, and there was too much crap swimming round her head, not to mention she had a slight hangover. The first thing she did was look at her phone.

"I'm sorry. I'm a fucking dick. Lunch?"

The obligatory text from H, at whom she could never really stay mad at for long because she was such a persistent bugger, and would've kept phoning and texting until Jen gave in or got a restraining order.

"Yes. You're paying."

There wasn't anything from Tilly though, and Jen's heart fell. She'd been hoping that there would have been at least something from her.

Lying there, she kept looking at her phone, knowing that she would have heard any kind of text or call, but just in case it for some reason hadn't given her a notification she wanted to make sure, and wishing that by just looking at the screen she could force a message to appear. She rolled the device round between her hands, trying to occupy herself. Jess was still asleep, and all Jen wanted to do was get out of there. Not because she wanted to be away from Jess, just because she needed to be doing something – anything to keep her occupied. Just lying there was driving her crazy.

She got up and started to get dressed, eventually finding her shirt draped over the side of the bath and her socks under the lounge table. Slightly confused by the clothing treasure hunt she'd embarked on, she slumped down on the sofa only to feel her phone vibrate. She grabbed it out of her pocket, hoping it was from Tilly, but it was just a reply from H. Realising the impossibility of her being able to stay in one place right now without going mad, fully clothed Jen headed back into the bedroom, kissed Jess on the cheek and told her she had to go.

Jess didn't live too far from Tilly's, it was probably a good 20 minutes walk and Jen had made up her mind to go round. She was reasonably certain that if there was anyone else there she wouldn't be welcome, but this wasn't a time where she was worried about being rational. Jen wanted so much to just call Tilly, but she knew she'd probably just tell her not to come round.

She rang the doorbell and stood tapping her foot, her mind blank, just waiting for a reply. Unfortunately a reply never came. It was a reasonable assumption that Tilly was probably in Hollyoaks trying to smooth over the Esther and Tom situations. Looking at her watch it was now past 11am, and they'd probably have gone last night anyway. A better decision now was to head home and change, ready to meet H for lunch.

They'd agreed to meet at the Fox, a local pub which was close enough to be comfortable, but far enough out of town to not be Saturday shopper busy. Jen sat waiting for H, who was predictably late. Having still had no contact she decided to drop Tilly a message.

"Hope everything is ok. X"

She wasn't entirely sure if she was supposed to be maintaining radio silence, but decided that now it was broken, the "X" was ok, because barring everything else that had gone on Jen simply didn't want to come across like she was angry with Tilly. She was completely the opposite in fact, coupled with a decent shot of unsettled and anxious.

"OK. Esther is at the Dog, pretty pissed at me but only to be expected. Not found Tom yet. X"

Unexpectedly the reply came through almost immediately, and the vibration made her jump slightly, blind-sided by the speed of the reply.

"Ok, let me know if anything changes. X" Jen wasn't entirely sure what to reply, so keeping it low key and no pressure seemed like the best option. She didn't expect the follow-up that arrived.

"I'll be back tonight. Can I come round? X"

"Of course, I'll be in all evening so come anytime you want. X"

Jen let a small sigh of relief and a smile broke through onto her face. At the same time she saw H appear into her view, and she continued with her smile as she approached. She stood up, raised an eyebrow and held out her arms for a hug.

"C'mere you twat". H stepped in for the welcoming embrace, relieved she didn't need the bullet proof vest. Jen just wanted everything to be OK; she didn't want to have to fight with her best friend about the choices she was making in her love life.

* * *

Jen opened the door to Tilly, smiling broadly, inviting her in with a swoop of her dipped arm. This was the first time Tilly had been to Jen's, and she was surprised by how beautifully presented it was. Art hung from every wall, including a selection of tasteful nudes and landscapes. Jen watched Tilly's eyes taking in the décor.

"Possibly a little self-indulgent, but they're mostly mine of course," and she shrugged her shoulders.

"I recognised the style," Tilly responded, smiling whilst running a finger down one of the canvases. "I live in a bit of a student hovel by comparison".

"Student places are supposed to be hovels! Drunken parties usually ensure that nice things get broken." Jen grinned, teasingly. "Drink?"

"Thanks, whatever you've got going will be fine."

"Well, that'll be wine then," and she poured out a decent size glass. "Did you manage to speak to Esther, or are you still public enemy number one?"

Tilly shook her head.

"I think it's fair to say that this is one bridge that is well and truly burnt. I've no idea if she'll ever speak to me again. She's told Frankie too, as I dropped by the Dog to see if she was there, and just got a tirade of abuse thrown at me."

"I am sorry that it's happened this way. The last thing I want is for someone to get hurt out of all this. But I can't help myself – you draw me in like a moth to a flame. Possibly not so much a flame as a roaring fire, but my point still stands." Jen looked at Tilly with a combination of love, and ever so slight tears forming in her eyes. She batted them away almost immediately.

"Jen, if I thought I had any choice in this I'd have made a rational decision to walk away. The heart isn't rational." She took Jens hands in hers. "If we all made decisions with our heads then we'd be pretty dull people. I mean it'd be stress-free but boring as hell!"

Unable to control her feelings much longer, and with the issues momentarily resolved, Jen leant her head forward and lightly kissed Tillys lips.

"I was thinking about that day we had our lunch," said Jen, moving her kisses upwards to Tillys collarbone and neck, savouring the taste of her warm skin, tousling her hair gently without opening her eyes.

"Were you?" smiled Tilly. "I wasn't really sure what made me want to invite you back. I certainly didn't have anything planned. I mean… it wasn't a set up or anything. It just felt like exactly the right thing to do."

Jen smiled, letting out a small laugh.

"I couldn't have predicted what would have happened, that's for sure!"

Tilly kissed her deeply on the mouth. It was an exciting kiss, full of passion, need and desire, and she felt the world melt away.

"There is almost nothing I want more in the world right now than to extract you from those clothes," Jen said softly. "Can I tempt you into a hot shower? We could cleanse away the negativity of the past and start refreshed."

"You are appalling at symbolism. How about we just forget about all that stuff and fuck in the shower?"

Jen took Tilly's hand and led her to the bedroom.

"I'll go and get things started," and she left to start the shower.

The downpour of water as she turned on the hot water hid the noise of Tilly sneaking into the bathroom, and she watched Jen step under the water, propping herself up against the shower wall as the almost too hot water bounced off her skin. It was a double shower cubicle and there was more than enough space for the both of them. Suddenly, she felt the soft bite of fingernails on her bare back, tracing their way up and down her spine. Smiling, but not stopping, she let the fingers continue to roam their way about her body, indulging in the unmistakable feeling of small kisses being dotted around her shoulders and neck. She turned around to face Tilly, her hands raising to stroke her soft hair as it began to get slowly wet from the water. Their breasts pressed together, eyed closed as the water cascades over them both, Tilly continued to kiss Jen's neck while running her hands across her body. Jen felt herself sink down a little, allowing the sensations to travel through her body. She slid her hands down Tilly's back, allowing them to rest on her buttocks, gently caressing and squeezing.

"I feel compelled to touch that beautiful arse of yours," Jen attempted to speak through the water.

Their tongues touched and kissed more deeply, the passion feeling completely overwhelming. Tilly felt an intense desire to pull Jen closer to be as intimate as possible, craving her soft, warm, curvy body.

Jen leant back against the wall, shivering slightly at the coldness of the tiles but enjoying it equally as much. The water arched over them both, and Jen opened her eyes to re-orient herself. Through the rivers of water flowing over her face she could see Tillys ginger locks in front of her, head dipped to kiss the underside of Jens neck and around her breasts. Tilly ran her hands across Jens stomach, and she slightly flinched to the touch.

Jen pulled Tilly back up to her face and then quickly spun them round to switch places, pushing Tilly back against the wall this time, the wall always just a little colder than comfortable, making her shiver, her eyes enlarged slightly as the cold sensation hit her. Jen pressed Tilly hard against the wall and began kissing down her body, even gently biting her along the way. Tilly gasped every time she did this, and when she nipped the inside of her thigh, she was positively shaking in anticipation. Jen looked up to Tillys face from her position below, and watched water rivulets slide down the curves of her breasts, shoulders and legs.

Jen worked her way back up, the hot water continued to roll down Tilly's body, trickled over her breasts and hardened the tips of her sensitive nipples. Face buried into her chest, Jen began to suck on the flesh of each breast, occasional running her tongue down the deep valley between them. The feel of her warm tongue on her breasts and the sharpness of her teeth nipping and biting at her nipples sought only to push Tilly further on her way towards her highly anticipated destination, her chest heaving up and down as she panted with lust. Finally reaching Tilly's face, Jen wrapped her arms tightly around her waist, pulling her in.

Her fingers danced over her breasts and nipples once more, before stroking at the furry mound between Tilly's legs. She ran her hands past, and down the inside of her thighs, tickling Tilly slightly, causing a strangled giggle. Jen's eyes sparkled sexily as she smiled up at Tilly, her dark hair now stuck to her face long, the warm shower continuing to run down her back. Tilly brushed it back behind Jens ears and gave Jen a look which could only be interpreted as a wordless invitation for Jen to take what she so badly wanted her to.

Jen buried her face into Tilly, a mixture of water and juices greeting her as her tongue eagerly searched. Tilly squealed as she could feel the warmth as Jen nibbled and sucked, burying her whole face, trying to fulfil the overwhelming desire that such a pleasurable endeavour requires. Hot water pounded Jen's back, flowing between the cheeks of her arse. Her arm wrapped around, gripping Tilly's buttocks to steady them both. Tilly's folds gave way to Jen's tongue allowing her to slide past, her chin pushed in between her lips as she searched deeper, the repeated darting and pulsing rhythm having the desired effect.

Tilly moaned as she found Jen parting her lips with her fingers, and she closed her eyes and threw her head back, biting her lip, and trying to grip the slippery wall as untethered moans of pleasure escaped from her mouth. Both of Jens hands were frantically at work between her legs now, and she could feel herself coming closer and closer to orgasm. Jen sunk her fingers deeper into Tilly, resting her forehead against her stomach, revelling in the feeling of Tilly around her fingers and the motion of her hips. Frantic multiple fingers forcefully moving in and out of her, she gasped and jolted, her muscles clenching tightly around them. Tilly threw her head back, sucking in her breath, eyes shut, brain racing, and body convulsing. She tensed and arched her back, biting down harder on her bottom lip as the intense feelings of pleasure exploded over her and around her, too much to handle any more she half-heartedly tried to push Jen away to stop her, taking with it her ability to stand.

Tilly slumped down and Jen caught her weight, assisting her to the floor of the shower, where Tilly pulled her down on top of her, and peppered her with kisses. The shower continued to power hot water down on to them. With a seemingly impossible recovery time, Tilly simply slid her hand down Jen's body, and without any other distraction went straight between her legs.


	29. Chapter 29

_Accompanying soundtrack: Alana Myers – 'Black velvet'_

They'd fallen asleep in bed holding each other without the need for any clothes, Jen's still damp hair draped across the pillow, her arms wrapped around Tilly's waist, hands intertwined and spooning her. As she stirred slightly she pulled Tilly in ever closer, drawing in the warmth and smell of her skin and nuzzling into her short ginger locks. Tilly muttered a subconscious incoherence at the movement. It was a place Jen never wanted to leave.

In the midst of the overwhelming sensations of love and belonging, the thought of Esther nagged in the back of her mind just a little, but enough to stop her from successfully falling back to sleep. Jen eventually broke her embrace with Tilly and turned to get out of bed. Even though it was chilly, she stood for a minute and gazed at Tilly, before she threw on her robe and went to make some coffee.

She sat perched on the edge of the table, feet on a bench, with her coffee steaming into her face, staring out of the window. She didn't know Tilly had come up behind her until she felt arms slip around her and soft kisses planted on the back of her neck. She tilted her head to one side slightly and let out a small sigh.

"It's amazing that you are here," and she raised her right arm up and curled it round Tilly's cheek, turning her own head and bringing them together into a deep kiss. Tilly parted their lips ever so slightly, and with low, breathy tones replied

"I wouldn't… I _couldn't_ be anywhere else." And she looked straight into Jen's glistening eyes. Shivers ran through Jen's entire core, and Tilly's hug became even more intense.

"Why are you up?" she continued, in the same soft voice. "Why are you not still in bed with me…. Making me gasp, and sweat, and tremble at your every touch…" her words tailed off. Jen smiled and her eyes sparkled as she remembered very clearly the activity of the previous night.

"I didn't have any sleep left in me! I was spark awake, happily lying next to you, but dreams eluded me and I didn't want to wake you with my restlessness."

It was a questionable white lie, but Jen didn't want any negativity to force its way into the calm of the morning.

"Thoughtful. Always so thoughtful," said Tilly, brushing their lips together moving in closer for another kiss, the intensity levels creeping ever higher.

Tilly shivered, and at this point Jen realised that Tilly wasn't actually wearing anything. Not a stitch on her as she hugged Jen by the window.

"You must be freezing. Not to mention there's a chance you're giving my neighbours a cheap thrill," and she turned around, still sitting on the table, to face Tilly, opening her own robe to draw her in to the warmth.

"Your neighbours would revel in my spectacular nudity," Tilly replied firmly, and she placed herself strategically between Jen's legs and allowed the robe to close around them both.

"I revel in your spectacular nudity," Jen said, lustfully, allowing her eyes to roam slowly up and down Tilly's form.

"It's not as if you're exactly wearing formal evening wear under that robe yourself," she raised an eyebrow and ran her hands down the equally naked sides of Jen, and down to her waist. Jen melted slightly at her touch, closing her eyes, and licking her bottom lip lightly.

"You are very distracting. I'd forgotten just how much."

"It's Sunday... I'm not distracting you from anything. I'm pretty sure there's nothing else you'd rather be doing." Jen could feel Tilly's hot breath on her neck as she spoke closely into her ear.

"There are plenty of things I could be doing. But I am a slave to my desires, and what I want to be doing is you." She ran her fingers slowly down Tilly's back settling on her firm buttocks, where she playfully grabbed them and squeezed in to her even closer. She could feel the fur and the heat of Tilly settle on her own.

"Ummh… there is nothing more sexy than a hot woman talking so frankly about her filthy intentions."

"I assure you, my intentions are absolutely all kinds of appallingly filthy. But what I want right now is to be close to the woman I adore." Jen rested her forehead on Tilly's, breathing quietly. And there they stayed for some while, worrying about nothing, and listening only to the breathing of each other, occasionally brushing each others noses, sharing soft kisses. Jen finally spoke when she realised that Tilly must be hungry, or thirsty, probably both.

"You must need a drink. What would you like?" Still entwined Tilly was reluctant to move.

"I don't need a drink. I don't need anything. Just you," and she bit her bottom lip, looking at Jen with wanting eyes. She kissed Jen again, a touch more pressure deployed onto the welcoming lips, parting them slowly, almost seeking permission to enter. She was impossible to stop, and Jen offered no resistance. Jen didn't have the capacity to refuse. Not that she would have done, because her need was now so great, she could think of nothing else.

The overpowering sense of union was all she longed for, despite whatever had happened in the past, at this single moment in time none of that mattered.

The kisses became deeper and longer, forceful and yearning, impossibly passionate. Their lips' lingering on each other's just long enough, then the two danced back and forth in each other's mouth. Tilly remained locked on to her, not realising she was ever so gently rocking herself against Jen. When Jen realised there was subtle movement, she slowly dropped her right hand from Tilly, and slowly caressed her soft skin, until her hand found its way down between their two bodies, and came to rest against both their fur. Her own heightened intensity and being completely immersed in the moment, she had failed to notice her own arousal. Tilly's, if possible, was even more so, and Jen could feel her dampness against her hand. Tilly was almost embarrassed.

"You do something... Unique to me." she looked sheepishly at Jen, who raised a smile as she heard the words. "An affect I can barely describe, a sensation of love and affection so deep it is impossible to quantify. So strong, that my breath is taken away at your mere presence. A lust so forceful that it takes all my strength..." she took a breath as she thought about the words she was saying "... Not to tear your clothes off you each time I see you." Tilly blushed, and Jen's eyes widened as she listened, and she slowly started to move her hand against Tilly, taking a restrained advantage of the available moistness she'd discovered.

At Jen's touch Tilly could barely contain her appreciative noises, and Jen silenced her with a kiss, occasional groans escaping into her mouth.

"I adore the fact that you have no control around me." Jen's words were assuredly confident, and it was her intention to completely dominate the moment, in a caring a loving way, but one which would bring Tilly metaphorically to her knees.

"I don't even have to touch you and you're wet for me," Jen whispered into her ear. "You have no idea what that does to a girl…"

Tilly let out a strangled groan, and Jen could feel herself reacting to Tilly's responses, but also the fact she could feel the back of her own hand rubbing against her allowed her own greater wave of arousal to rise. She was determined to keep the pace slow and controlled, almost teasingly too gentle, so the pleasure would build and build until it was unimaginable. This was not a situation that needed to be hurried, and whilst Jen remained in charge, Tilly would be powerless to do anything but surrender herself.

"I... ummph... Can't help myself...nngh... " she lost her words as her brain began to swarm under the heady feelings of pleasure. Tilly liked to take the lead, but recently Jen hadn't been allowing this as much. Tilly squirmed under Jen's competent fingerwork, her touch remained slow and constant. Jen was now trying to manage her own feelings of pleasure, which were seething around her body as they raised her temperature, whilst she tried desperately to remain in control. For minutes on end they would forget entirely to kiss, lips merely resting on each other, absorbed in the moment, minds deliriously elsewhere, lost entirely in the emotional excitement that ran through every inch of their bodies. Tilly wasn't thinking any more, she was only feeling – lips, tongue, warm breath, and a softly rubbing hand. The only things that mattered. Her heart beating loud and fast in her ears.

"I love you Tilly," Jen breathed, as her tongue sought deeper within Tilly's mouth, twisting and rolling within, then gently biting on her bottom lip, whilst Jen's left arm still on Tilly's buttock, squeezing it rhythmically to the motion of her other. She looked into Tilly's eyes, seeking a reaction, reading her like a book through the revealing pulsing at her fingers. Nothing short of intoxicated she felt dizzy. Tilly's arms had remained locked around Jen throughout, although her grip was considerably stronger now as she struggled to remain upright, and she dropped a hand down on to the table to steady herself. Her gentle rocking had become more intense, her breathing heavier and more laboured, shudders running through her body, all of which Jen could feel through the clammy skin touching her against own.

Finally Tilly lowered her head onto Jen's shoulder, whimpering and gently biting at her neck, leaning more and more into Jen as her conscious self was overtaken, and in that moment Tilly came so fiercely she felt like she almost blacked out, guttural and indeterminate expletives quietly filling the air. Jen, watched the unfolding outpouring in front of her. All this at her doing, the lightest and softest of her touches had the ability to bring a woman to her knees. Finding this uncontrollably erotic Jen was herself pushed completely over the edge, and immediately allowed herself to let go as well. She was unduly loud as she howled through her orgasm, surprising Tilly who was trying to regain her composure.

"Uh... That was the most... Intense orgasm I've ever had..." Tilly said gasping for breath. "I mean.. truly unbelievable." and without any real warning she began to cry, the emotional intensity of the past hour too much to take, coupled with the emotional roller coaster of the previous few days. Head buried once again into Jen's shoulder, tears absorbed by her robe.

"Tilly, is everything ok?" Jen asked carefully, lifting her head up so their eyes met.

"I'm fine. A whole bunch of emotions just got the better of me. Last night was so raw and passionate, and today so intimate and… well just generally _Oh My God_. So I'm absolutely fine, because I'm here with you… and I don't need anything else" and she smiled back, breathing heavily, but genuinely happy.

Jen smiled back at her, her breath taken away by Tilly's words, her control of the situation relinquished in seconds through the most poetic and beautiful of responses. She held Tilly even more tightly than before, not wishing for the moment to ever end.


	30. Chapter 30

_[NB, delayed due to seasonal lurgy.. apologies]_

_Accompanying soundtrack: REM – "Orange Crush"_

They sat on the sofa in complete silence facing each other, lying back but with feet and legs entwined, Tilly drinking her long overdue coffee and Jen eating some hot buttered toast. It was a silence of complete comfort and reverence as the two allowed themselves to relax and bask in the glow of their recent intimate activity, occasional bashful smiles exchanged. By this time Tilly had put on a robe.

"I missed this. I missed _us_." Tilly said softly, blowing the steam as it rose from her cup. She intertwined her fingers with Jens, and allowed both hands to rest on her knee. "I don't know how we got back here, but I'm glad we did."

"Well you probably took a taxi – if I recall, I was already here," and Jen stuck out her tongue, knowing she had been deliberately misleading.

"Hilarious," replied Tilly, raising an eyebrow and pulling her best 'we are not amused' face. The sun shone through the window and lit Jen up like a silhouette in front of her, making her seem almost ethereal.

"Do we…." Tilly hesitated, not sure she wanted to hear an answer that could break her heart "Jen…Do we deserve this? To be happy together, again? After all the pain we've caused?"

Jen's face fell, sombre words snapped her out of her happy place and brought the creeping doubts back, wondering why at this moment Tilly would throw turmoil straight back into the mix, crushing the beautiful moment between them. Tilly realised that what she said could have been easily misconstrued.

"I mean don't get me wrong… I absolutely, one hundred percent want to be with you. NOT being with you would kill me." She squeezed Jen's hand tightly through the clasped fingers. Jen briefly closed her eyes, and breathed out a quick sigh.

"Good, because the thought of not being with you would be the darkest place my mind could imagine," Jen sounded more than relieved, her hand pushing up to scoop her hair behind her ear as a safety activity.

"I somehow feel I just don't deserve it.. us. Not yet anyway. That this amount of happiness – the thing I crave most is genuinely available to me, right here in front of me," she took hold of Jen's hand and squeezed it even more tightly.

"I'm not really sure I can give you the answer you're looking for," Jen's tone showed a slight displeasure at the fact Tilly still significantly wrestled with her conscience.

"I know that. And I'm not even sure I'm looking for an answer – if there even is one." Tilly's voice was low and broken.

"There's no handbook to life, honey," Jen followed up, stroking Tilly's hand. "Every situation is complicated and unique to the persons it affects." She looked straight into Tilly's eyes, "To you and Esther. There are wounds which need to be healed."

Tilly's head fell slightly and Jen saw a tear drop down onto her chest. For the second time that day she gently placed her hand under Tilly's chin and elevated her head back up so their eyes could meet.

"It doesn't matter if we don't understand how things can be fixed, what matters is that you want to try. Through to your core you are a good person, and we'll try to figure out how, but unless Esther is receptive you may never be able to have full closure on this." She pulled Tilly closer to her, at this moment she was very keen on the idea of enveloping her, and she wrapped her suddenly strong arms around Tilly as the pained eyes looked up at her.

"When you and I are close, like this, there is no-one else… everything else fades away. It always has. Somehow you make it all make sense without even trying." She smiled, before adding, "I'll try and get in touch with Esther later – I need to _try_ to mend some fences for my own sanity."

Jen felt a pang of guilt for not being part of the attempted reconciliation process, but it would be just like rubbing salt in the wounds for her to suddenly now appear with Tilly. For her to think she was a stopgap, a mere stepping-stone between the two great-lovers. Romeo and Juliet this was not. She didn't want to give Esther any further cause to resent them. To resent Tilly.

"Would you like to get out of the house? Take a walk in the park maybe. Kick some leaves, feed the ducks? Last time I was there I had an argument with a squirrel. I lost of course, and it threw a conker at me before scampering off up a tree. Squirrely bastard." Jen said all this completely deadpan, and Tilly laughed. She hadn't expected to, but the ridiculousness of Jens words had taken her quite by surprise.

"Normally I would have loved to, but I do have a little coursework to do, and also…I wouldn't like to taint something which sounds so perfect with my thoughts mudded with Esther." She looked earnestly at Jen.

"That's OK, isn't it?"

"Of course it's OK! Go get dressed and I'll give you a lift back."

Jen watched Tilly stand and head to the bedroom, and couldn't help but shudder at the body contours suggested by the light cotton robe fluttering on top of them. It was all she could do to not follow Tilly and peel them from her.

* * *

Jen pulled up outside Tilly's. She turned the key off in the ignition and watched Tilly look up to the windows. There was an obvious nervousness.

"Will George be there?" Jen wondered what might greet Tilly up her return.

"Quite possibly. We've… not really spoken much since… the outburst with Esther. I'm definitely not on his Christmas card list at the moment."

"You didn't try to talk it through with him?" she asked enquiringly, although within knowing the answer already.

"He didn't give me the opportunity to. I half tried… but he walked off, and I just couldn't face chasing him to have it out then and there. He knew what he'd done, dropping me in it with Esther like that. I know…" she wrinkled her nose and frowned as the painful thought flooded back, "…I know I fucked up really badly, but he shouldn't have…" she bit her lip and forced back a tear. Jen slipped her arm around Tilly's shoulders in an effort to absorb some of the pain. Tilly balled up her fist, and drew it up to her lips.

"The discussion with Esther should have been on my terms. No-one elses. I could have killed him," she hissed through gritted teeth. "And now this mess, this whole sorry mess." The comfort and security of the morning was now long forgotten. Jen remained silent, stroking her arm, knowing that Tilly needed to vent, and her interruption could change nothing.

Still breathing fast, Tilly started to calm a little as silence fell in the car. Eventually she turned to face Jen, gripping hard onto the hand that was resting on the gear stick.

"I'll call you later. I love you." She leaned in to kiss Jen, a deep and inhaling kiss, hoping that from it she could draw enough strength from it to get her through the day in one piece. Jen allowed herself to be pulled completely in to it. When their lips finally parted, Tilly smiled.

"I love you too," Jen replied, but Tilly said nothing more, and she opened the car door and left. Jen smiled and watched Till go in through her front door. She gave it a minute before she turned the engine over, just in case Tilly had needed her.

* * *

_Accompanying soundtrack: Crooked Valentine – "War Machine"_

Tilly turned the key in the lock and pushed the door open. She peered into the empty hallway, and took off her coat and hung it on the vacant hook. She heard voices in the lounge and with a heavy sigh steeled herself as she walked in. Callum and George were watching a film.

"Hey guys," Tilly said softly, her eyes paying particular attention to George, who refused to make eye contact.

"Tilly… Hi," Callum had obviously been filled in on the recent drama. "I.. just need to get.. a drink," he said, making a swift exit from a situation obviously just about to get heavy. Tilly remained with her focus on George.

"OK, let's sort this shit out right now," Tilly snarled through gritted teeth. George finally spun his head round to Tilly's direction. "You were so fucking out of order it's not even funny. You completely ruined any chance I had of telling Esther without completely ripping out her heart and stamping on it." Tilly was pacing, vitriol flowing from her body, arms and hands flailing at nothing in particular.

"She had a right to know. She had a right to know RIGHT THEN." George raised his voice louder and stronger than Tilly had ever heard before.

"I was going to tell her, but the Tom thing was more important, don't you understand? That's like ripping out her heart and then stamping on it at the same time. She didn't deserve that!" Tilly never questioned that she'd done wrong, she'd only ever wanted to limit the damage.

"Excuses. Nothing more than excuses!" George spat back at her. "You cheated on her – that poor innocent girl. I can't even look at you."

"She deserved better than that George!"

"She deserved better than YOU!"

"I know she did. I KNOW she did!"

Tilly stood silently, shaking. She rolled her eyes to the ceiling, before she threw her hands to her face, rubbed it, before she drew her hands down to a point, resting on her nose. She was trying to strangle the rage which was threatening to consume the pair of them if they continued. Her eyes were now transfixed on George.

"It was my fuck up, which meant it was mine – and mine alone to fix. God only knows what Esther is going through at the moment. Would it have not been better for these things not to have happened at the same time? What if she tries to take her own life again?" As she spoke the words a dread fear came over her and she dropped to her knees.

"I think you're being a bit over dramatic," George sneered back at her.

"Over dramatic? Have you forgotten the past? Where she took an overdose – tried to end her own life? Because she was being bullied. Why can't you see how something like this could easily push her in that direction again?"

"She's not that stupid, Tilly," George responded condescendingly.

"I would have thought that about her last time too. And how wrong I was!" The anger was gone from her voice, replaced with fear. "I saw how she was in that hospital. She wished she'd not been saved, and now she probably wishes that again."

"She's not going to try and take her life again. She's safe with Frankie and Jack."

"Have you spoken to her, George?" Tillys eyes widened as she stared directly at him, still kneeling on the floor.

"I have, although you don't deserve to know anything about it. She will never forgive you." His voice still filled with spite and disgust.

"I don't expect her to forgive me, George. What I've done is unforgivable – I accept that. I just want to make sure she's OK."

"Well, I'm telling you, she's fine! All the better for not having someone like you in her life anymore!" And that was the end of their conversation, as George stood and left the room, leaving Tilly where she remained on the floor, broken and trying to force back the tears. She rested her back against the chair, and drew her legs up to her chest. She searched for her phone in her pocket.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm a shit. I don't expect to be forgiven. X"

She sent Esther the text, expecting that she'd probably already either changed her number or blocked her, but it felt like the only thing she could do that was within her control. Tilly slowly rose to her feet, feeling like the worst thing in the world, so different from a few hours previous. She felt dizzy, and awash with remorse. She grabbed a drink from the kitchen and headed to her room, a thousand thoughts running constantly through her head, knowing she'd struggle to concentrate on her work. She hated the thought that not only Esther, but also George hated her so much. And possibly Callum too. Tilly felt like the world was collapsing around her, in the deepest and darkest place she could imagine.

"Well that couldn't have gone worse. I feel like such a shit". Jen was her only solace in the current misery. Tilly hesitated to send the message. She wanted so much for something to drag her from the quagmire, but running to Jen as her comfort, the original source of her misery pre-Esther threw a whole pile of absurd conflicts in her direction. Nonetheless she still sent the text.

Jen felt her phone vibrate with the message ringtone, and when she looked at the screen her face fell. Her first instinct was to ring Tilly, even though she knew there was nothing she could really do.

"Hey," came Tillys soft answer as she accepted the call.

"Hey babe, I just wanted to check you're ok.. I don't need you to recount the details, but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you."

"George wanted to rip me apart! I've never seen him so angry and vicious. All he could do was blame me, and wouldn't accept that his forcing the issue made the result even worse."

"Tilly," Jen said softly, "You wouldn't have cheated on Esther if all had been right in your relationship. People aren't really pre-disposed to cheating." She paused. "Maybe I'm not the right person to try and help you justify this, because I'll come over as biased, but really your need for something else, something more must have driven you – driven us, to be drawn back together." She sighed, and shared the guilt Tilly was struggling with.

"Babe, I don't know right now how you're going to resolve this issue with George, or with Esther for that matter. You're just going to have to let them work it through themselves and see what time will bring."

"Thanks Jen. I love you. I'll speak to you later."

Neither of them felt particularly great after the call, and the predicament in general, but Tilly wanted to put it out of her mind so she could concentrate on her work. But her concentration had left her almost entirely, and she found herself mostly tapping her fingers on the desk until she heard a bedroom door open on the landing, and she jumped up, desperate to see if George had calmed any. When she opened her door she was disappointed to see Callum.

"Hey," he offered, "has the dust settled and peace broken out yet?"

Tilly sighed, and a small wry smile crept onto her face.

"I don't think there's a truce coming any time soon if I'm honest. George is.. well not quite seeing eye to eye with me."

"Over the Jen thing? Yeah, I can see why." Callum wasn't judging, but it was hard to see how Tilly wasn't in the wrong. Tilly was surprised by him comment.

"You know about Jen?" a confused look crowded across her face. She'd not mentioned Jen to anyone other than George, and she could now only assume that George had been less than careful when telling the details to others.

"Yeah." He raised his eyebrows in a contrite manner. Tilly sighed, her shoulders dropping and her whole body slumping against the corridor wall.

"For what it's worth," Callum continued, not wishing to get caught in the middle of the animosities but with what he genuinely believed, "I always questioned why you and Esther were together. It seemed such an unlikely pairing," he shrugged.

"Someday maybe I'll try and explain to you how that came about. Needless to say there was a significant amount of guilt involved, and a sense that I owed Esther."

"Honesty hurts, doesn't it?" Callum didn't mean it in an accusing manner. "I remember all the Maddie stuff I went through I could almost never do enough for her, and she'd always try to guilt me into things or read into things that didn't exist. That's no way to exist." Tilly was surprised by the snippets of honesty coming from Callum, especially in the light of their reason for their conversation.

"You're right, I know you're right. I was with her for the wrong reasons, and I shouldn't have done that. And I went about it completely the wrong way too of course. I'm ashamed to say I was driven by my more base urges towards Jen." Tilly blushed slightly at the words.

Callum leaned casually back against the wall. "There's no denying Jen is a good looking girl. I can see how you'd be drawn back to her."

Tilly smiled, relieved Callum wasn't giving her too much of a hard time.

"She does have a certain hold over me with those dark eyes of hers…" Tilly stopped herself, realising this wasn't either the time or the place to extol Jen's virtues. She looked at him and smiled again.

"Thanks. Thanks for this. I'm not looking for you to pick sides, but it's nice to know that you can at least understand my point of view." Callum smiled back at her.

"I do understand Tilly, even though you may have gone about things the wrong way." He wanted to speak without prejudice, but it was difficult under the circumstances.

"Can I ask one thing of you? I just want to know that Esther is OK, that I'm not going to be the cause of her going and doing something stupid again. Can you just keep an eye on George, and let me know if he has any contact with her. I just want to know everything's OK – nothing more." She felt like a fool for asking.

"I think I can manage that. I know he's talked to her on the phone so I'm pretty sure it should be easy enough. But keep a low profile, yeah? If he starts throwing things around in anger, I worry for the safety of the TV!" Tilly nodded and moved in to give him a hug, as some of her dark cloud lifted. An ally, no matter how small or insignificant, at this time was more than she could have asked for.


	31. Chapter 31

_[N.B. Struggling slightly to join up some story arcs at the mo, so apologies for the obvious lack of progress…]_

_Accompanying soundtrack: ELO – "Fifth of Beethoven"_

The week had gotten half way through already, and Jen had struggled through what had seemed the longest of the three days so far. She'd just wanted to keep a low profile for the most part because the negativity of the previous few weeks had taken its toll. Tilly had remained mostly in her room, and as much as Jen wanted to see her, Tilly had work to do and still wanted to build the bridges with George.

Jen sat staring out of the window in the staff room.

"Penny for 'em?"

Jen was shaken out of her thoughts by the voice of one of the other teachers.

"Huh? Oh, it's nothing. Just relationship stuff." The other woman raised her eyebrows and nodded. Jen waved her hand in front of her. "Not my relationship, my girlfriend and her ex and a horrible mess." Jen stopped, realising that she'd outed herself without even thinking about it. She bit her lip, kicking herself inside. She looked up at the woman in front of her with a forced smile, and wondered how she'd been so easily unwise.

The woman stood in front of her was Carla, the French teacher, who seemed to gloss entirely over Jens confession.

"Urgh, who needs that crap! Cup of tea?"

Jen felt that it was nice to have someone else to talk to, someone that had completely changed the subject and given her something else to think about. Jen hadn't made many friends at the new school, despite her best efforts, and she assumed there were rumours that had followed her from Chester, and people just chose to give her a wide birth. She was pleasantly surprised, and just that little interaction made the afternoon seem a whole lot easier.

When the final bell eventually rang Jen couldn't face another evening in without company, so she texted H. She was usually free mid-week, although it could probably be considered a lottery most of the time.

"_Talk to me dude, tell me you're free tonight, my brain is fried."_

"_You're in luck. I was scheduled to go to a casino with James Bond tonight, but he's stubbed his toe on a raddish and we've taken a raincheck."_

"_You're a disgrace. I'll be round at 7."_

"_Bring Pizza and beer."_

"_I'm not drinking, it's a school night."_

"_The beer isn't for you!"_

Jen felt that she'd fallen into a quite obvious trap.

* * *

Jen flung the pizza onto the kitchen side, and dropped herself onto the sofa.

"Urgh," she groaned, which she accompanied with a stuck-out-tongue

"Jen, my lovely, treat the pizza with respect! It's only destiny in life is to be delicious and therefore eaten." H scooped up the pizza and brought the box over to the lounge table with some kitchen roll. "I'm pretty sure we don't need any plates, eh?" She raised an enquiring eyebrow at Jen, wondering if she was going to be miserable for the whole evening. H popped the cap off her beer, grabbed a slice with one hand and slumped back into the sofa. "Luxury."

"You eat pizza like 3 times a week, how is this luxury?" Jen poked fun, breaking into the first smile of the evening.

"Aaaaaand she's arrived. Hi Jen." H grinned wildly. Jen's eyes rolled, before she swiftly grabbed her own pizza slice.

"What a week. Head fuck central, and it's not even really my problem," Jen sighed, as she negotiated a large mouthful. She brushed her hair off her face, something she always did when she needed to fill some space in a conversation.

"Well… it kinda is your problem really." H saw Jen's eyes narrow towards her and she changed her tack slightly. "Because Tilly's problems are your problems, right?" The signs were immediately obvious Jen was in no mood to tangle, and H couldn't risk her walking out and losing the pizza.

"Well, yeah of course. But I can't do anything about it. Tilly's virtually locked herself away in the flat this week. It feels like forever since I've seen her."

"Three days, dude, its been 3 days. Man up! I get the love sick puppy think, I really do. Well… sort of, but you know 3 days…" She smiled, knowing it was cute Jen was so in to someone again, but secretly wished it'd been anyone but Tilly. She learned in for another slice of pizza. "So… how is it?"

"George isn't talking to her, they had a blazing row when I dropped her off on Sunday. Tilly was quite upset by it, but she's got Callum as a sort of ally who's going to try and let her know how Esther's getting on. All in all it's complicated and messy, and I wish it was done with already." She looked H firmly in the eyes. "That's pretty self-centred of me I know. But I just want to move on." As she finished speaking, she played with and spun the ring on her middle finger with obvious unease.

"Getting caught up in the 'Battle of the Exes' isn't something most people want any active part in. Particularly with the history you all have with it."

"I wouldn't give up that history for the world. Well, maybe some of it." Jen paused for thought. "The shit bit where I told Patrick that Tilly was a stalker."

"Yeah, I think it's safe to say that was a bit of a low blow." H touched Jen's arm and gave a squeeze. "Although I'm not sure it would have made any difference to how things turned out between you two. That whole teacher-student thing could never have ended well really." H knew the history would always have painful moments that Jen would never truly be able to be at peace with.

"And how is _it_?" H stressed the second _it_, because she knew that if she could keep Jen on the nicer topics it would make for a more pleasant evening.

"It," Jen looked questioningly.

"You know, _it._ The relationship without all the crap. The sex, the re-ignition of your burgeoning loins!" wiggling her eyebrows on the last word, giving Jen a slight nudge.

"I think it's fair to say everything is just dandy in that department. We're closer than I can ever recall, and it all just feels so intimate it's…." She broke off, not able to actually think of anything which could justify the level of feeling, cheeks slightly reddened as the images of some of their more recent endeavours flashed into her mind.

"Gilmore, you're blushing! You filth!" and H grinned broadly

"Uhm, yes, well, lets not go there, needless to say I have no complaints. No matter how long I've known you for, I am never going to be the kiss and tell type. Mostly because it's too embarrassing, and I'm just not one of those people that could talk about sex as if it was as mundane as vacuuming." H knew that all too well, and was relentless in the way she continuously teased. H sighed.

"Such a spoilsport. I tell you all about what I get up to," puppy eyes fluttered towards Jen, but that never worked on her.

"Yes, but that's because you don't understand the concept of boundaries!" Jen smirked, tilting her head to the side.

"Hmph, prude." H feigned hurt, and swung her feet up onto the lounge table, kicking the now empty pizza box to one side. "Then to protect your delicate sensibilities I will change the subject. How's work?"

"Work? Work sucks. Work _always_ sucks recently. The kids are Satan's hellspawn, and it's all I can do to get through the day at the moment."

"Career choice working out just great then!" H teased. She could think of nothing worse than teaching bratty kids all day long. She'd been one herself, and she knew she'd been a complete nightmare for most of her teachers. H had taken the easy route out and decided to work with spreadsheets, although that could be equally frustrating sometimes. "I can molest formulas to my hearts content. And data doesn't talk back."

"No, but the people who read your analysis do. Any they're bigger twats than the kids sometimes." She laughed, and took another drink from her bottle.

"It was a bit nicer today actually, someone actually bothered to talk to me during the lunch break - the French teacher. I was so surprised that I inadvertently outed myself." An impassive look spread across her face.

"It's about time you told someone there. I never thought you'd be a closet case again." She peered at Jen, deadpan.

"Urgh, it's not easy," she threw her head back. "You'd think they'd be all cool and accepting, but they're not. Half of them are so stuffy and puritanical, the rest of them are too politically correct to actually realise their heads are firmly inserted up their own arses, and it doesn't smell of roses." H nearly spat her beer out as she let out an unexpected burst of laughter.

"It's the establishment, baby. The old image of coffee and fags can never be erased, and people still live up to it." H spluttered in response. "Polar opposites of people doing the same job, none of which are actually the ideal."

"I'm the ideal," Jen smirked. "I'm like a breath of fresh air in that place. Or at least I would be if anyone cared."

"You keep telling yourself that love, we'll get there in the end." She grinned, wickedly, enjoying the fact that the slightly odd Jen of the last few weeks seemed to be coming back to normal. "So this other teacher? A woman? They're generally less judgey."

"Yup. She didn't even bat an eyelid actually. Probably she misheard me."

"Probably. Did she have a nice rack?"

* * *

They finished off the beers before eleven, and Jen was rueing the fact she'd had more than one, because she'd forgotten to ring Tilly.

"She's going to kill me, and I'm going to blame you."

"Yeah, yeah… send the little ginger round and well see what happens. She's so small it'd be like Scrappy Do shouting 'let me at 'em' and then me holding her at arms length with her little arms scrabbling away, reaching nothing." H was a good five or six inches taller than Tilly, and she roared with laughter at the image she'd just portrayed, whilst Jen just rolled her eyes.

"Shush now you pest, I'm going to give her a quick call," and Jen raised her index finger across her lips to request silence.

"Hey princess, how's your day been." Jen hoped Tilly wouldn't be too bothered by the time.

"Hey you, you're late. Have you been drinking dirty beer with H?" Tilly chuckled slightly, a question she already knew the answer to but there was plenty of sport gently teasing Jen.

"Maaaaybe I had a little tiny beer. And some pizza. I missed you, sweets." H was making vomit signals in the background, and whilst Jen couldn't reach her with her hands, she gave H a push with her foot.

"H is just so lonely and sad I needed to come over and give her life some meaning. Without me she is nothing." H flicked up two fingers in response.

"Hmmm yeah, she's a lost cause for sure! I'd like to see you tomorrow - I need to get out the house for a bit before I go stir crazy. George is still not giving me the time of day, and Callum's been out with his mates and hasn't got any updates for me." Tilly sounded deflated. She'd continued to struggle with her living situation, and it was mentally taking its toll. Discounting her studies, Jen was her only means of escape at the moment.

"I'd love to. Quality time with you is my favourite time." Jen smiled as she said the words, slightly misty-eyed she felt happy. H on the other hand was making pistol to the head motions, and Jen was doing her utmost to ignore the insensitivity of her best friend. "Listen, I'm gonna go babe, because I need to kill H. Watch the news for reports of an annoying Mancunian bludgeoned to death with a frying pan."

"Ok babe, Give me a call when you're done in work tomorrow and maybe we'll take that walk in the park. That sounded so lovely." Tilly's words sounded genuinely appreciative of the time she was going to spend with Jen. "I love you."

"Love you too babe, speak tomorrow." Jen hung up the phone and pounced forward onto H, pummelling her through a cushion. "It's no wonder you're single, you don't have a heart, you have a rock!" and she laughed as she fell back against the sofa, as H picked up the cushion in preparation for her revenge attack.


	32. Chapter 32

_[NB, this chapter is ridiculously NSFW & graphic as I got waay too carried away writing it (meh, semi-autobiog). I genuinely thought for a long time about whether to publish it or not, but what else would I do with it…? You've been warned...]_

_Accompanying soundtrack: Stereo MCs – "Deep Down And Dirty"_

Jen spent most of the next day with a smile on her face. She felt generally better, although she could have done without the beer-grizzle grumbling in her head. She had looked forward to the evening more than anything she could think of recently, and when she arrived with Tilly at the park it was quiet, although there was a light wind which provided a slight chill. They strolled round the park, encountering several owners and their dogs out for walks, one particularly striking tall woman with a bunch of sleek brown Daschunds trotting past them in pack formation. The ducks were all grumpy, in an eternal war with their co-resident geese over who would win the battle for the bread. It was peaceful enough to sit on a bench and watch squirrels dart around on the grass and in the bushes in front of them, playfully bounding from side to side.

"It's the thrill of the chase," Jen suggested, "who will win The Nuts. My money's on the one with the squinty eye."

The light had just started to fade when they headed back to the car, hand in hand. Jen kicked the fallen leaves that weren't quite yet compacted underfoot, as more fell from the branches above. Tilly dragged her heels and lingered back a little. Jen turned to look at her, a little worried by her lagging. Tilly smiled, and reached for Jen's other hand, drawing the pair together, before sliding her hands round Jen's back

"Every time I think of us, this is how I'll imagine it. No matter how hard life can get, it's moments like these which make it all worth it. It's perfect." She pulled Jen in for a soft, delicate kiss and they stood for a while in their embrace, lost in the moment. The light breeze picked up a little more, swirling leaves around their feet.

They walked back to Jen's car. As Jen started the engine, Tilly placed her hand on Jen's knee, inobtrusive enough to not impede driving, but necessary to draw security from.

"I wish this Esther thing was resolved," Tilly said quietly. "I want to shake it from my mind but I can't." She didn't want the guilt to hang over her any more.

"Tilly, this is out of your control. You have to stop thinking you can fix things. Sometimes we just can't and you have to let whatever happens, happen." Jen looked lovingly into Tilly's eyes. "I love you, will you trust me that this will work itself out please."

Jen opened her front door, and held it open for Tilly to enter first. She sighed internally as her short girlfriend walked in past her looking a mixture of happy but forlorn.

"I'm just going to go and change into my pyjamas," Jen said, looking at Tilly. "Then we can snuggle on the couch. I have some spare if you want some."

Tilly smiled, and watched Jen as she walked up the stairs before following up herself. Tilly sat on the bed and watched Jen as she changed.

"Such an awful lot of pretty right here in front of me," Tilly complimented. "I sure am one lucky lady." She watched as Jen pulled her top over her head, and the material flowed down her body.

Jen perched on the edge of the bed with her arm around Tilly's shoulders. She took stock of the room and remembered something.

"I want to try something, will you indulge me?" Jen looked at Tilly with questioning eyes, which seemed to contain an impish sparkle, and she pouted her lips. "I promise everything I do will be for your pleasure."

Tilly swallowed, intrigued by the undefined proposition, but smiled to herself as she could only imagine what lay before her. The trust between them didn't need to be spoken of, as there was no question it was absolute.

"If you wish to worship me," she said, and lifted Jen's head up with two fingers under her chin, to align with her own, "I am unable to refuse." She smiled, unknowing but without care.

Jen pulled a wooden chair into the middle of the room.

"Sit on this chair," she ordered quietly, but sternly. Tilly's eyes grew wider as she stood, walked over to the chair and then sat herself slowly down. Jen reached into her pocket and took out a silk scarf. She placed it over Tilly's eyes, tying the silk into a bow at the back, lightly enough to not squeeze, but secure enough to remain in place as required.

"You don't need to see - you only need to feel. The eyes draw pleasure away from the other senses." Jen's voice was clear and focussed. She wanted Tilly to understand this was all for her, and that her mind alone could allow her to travel to places not yet dreamed about. Jen moved in front of Tilly, and reached down to the bottom of her t-shirt and lightly started to pull it up over Tilly's head. Tilly made endeavours to assist but Jen softly hissed, "don't help me."

She then knelt down and removed Tilly's trousers. Tilly did as she was asked, and as her clothes were discarded onto the floor she felt a small shiver of cold as she sat, vulnerable on the hard wooden seat. She had felt every touch of Jen's hands, but she wasn't clear why she wasn't lying on the bed until Jen spoke again. Appreciating but realising the cold on her buttocks, Jen folded a towel, took Tilly's hand, slowly encouraged her to rise, and slid it on to the chair seat, before letting her sit back down again.

"Put your arms behind the back of the chair," she commanded again, the words uttered into Tilly's left ear as she now stood beside her, but still soft and without force. Tilly let out a small gasp, but obediently did as she was asked, as Jen again reached into her pocket and took from it the soft belt from her bath robe. She moved to tie it around Tilly's hands, and Tilly reacted to her touch, the square of the wooden strut slightly pushing into her skin as Jen secured them in place around the chair. There was little free movement, but it wasn't uncomfortable.

"Does that feel alright? This is not about pain," brushing her hands over Tilly's arms as she asked the question which would expect the answer of no. Tilly shuddered slightly at the light touch Jen was employing onto her skin.

"Unexpected, but I have no complaints." The lack of sight had already raised her senses significantly, just at the thought of what may come, and the subtle restraint - which Tilly had never partaken in before, added an entirely different level of expectation.

"So... This is new," Tilly searched to identify the inspiration for this afternoon's little game. Sitting on the chair she felt a little helpless, and not sure if an engaged conversation was part of the plan. To give up control would be hard. Jen moved to stand behind her.

"Something I've had kicking around my head for a while. The thoughts I could tell you about would make you blush! And You..." Jen licked her lips as she paused and ran a light finger over Tilly's shoulder and down her back, "...you like to be in control too much. That's the redhead wanting to be in charge. This might allow you to change your perspective a little. Pleasure levels any playing field."

The confidence Jen had in her voice was enthralling, enhanced by the hot breath Tilly could feel on her ear and neck. Jen again felt Tilly react to her touch, with a mixture of cold, surprise and anticipation, and she kissed Tilly lightly on the back of her neck, as she did she noticed Tilly's hairs standing on end. Even with the blindfold on, Tilly closed her eyes at the light touch on her skin, Jen's fingertips once again tracing a line down her neck and back. Jen playfully tugged to the robe belt secured around Tilly's wrists, as she moved round to stand in front of her.

"It's only fair that if you're naked, then I should be too." Tilly was thoroughly disappointed she couldn't see what was happening before her, she could only hear the rustling of fabrics and occasionally she could smell Jen's perfume. And then, after what seemed to take forever, she felt the brush of skin against her thigh, and Jen ran her hands over Tilly's legs.

"Such soft and beautiful skin. So enticing to touch and hold." Tilly again flinched at the initial touch, but relaxed into it almost immediately. Jen allowed her hands to wander gracefully up from Tilly's thighs to her waist, a hand on each side smoothly curving round the contours, tickling Tilly slightly who let out a small laugh. Hearing the sound drop from Tilly's lips, she placed a gentle but firm kiss on them.

"What are you laughing at, Miss Evans?" Jen practically whispered into her mouth, lips brushing together all the while, moving herself in as close as she could.

"Your touch tickled me. I wasn't expecting it." Tilly sighed a little and Jen moved her hands up further still.

"You're not to expect anything. Don't think about what's happening, don't think at all. Just feel." and Jen pushed her lips firmly back on to Tilly's. The kiss was broken for a second and Tilly raised her head slightly, searching for Jen, until she sensed her right in front of her, and Jen straddled her legs and sat gently on her lap. Her arms tucked underneath Tilly's as she was drawn into an enveloping embrace, their lips met once again, and Tilly could feel Jen's breasts pressing against her own chest, her nipples firming. She wanted to raise her own arms so much to wrap them around Jen, but as she tried the soft restraints around her wrists reminded her of the impossibility.

Jen moved her mouth to Tilly's neck, she lightly kissed, gentle nibbles, hot breath cascading over Tilly's shoulders, and the sudden rush of warmth made her give another little shiver. Jen moved her hands to Tilly's shoulders, and ran them slowly down until she was cupping the firm breasts in front of her. Tilly let out a light "ummf" as Jen rolled tilly's nipples between her nimble fingers, tweaking and toying, darting the pressure of her touch between the edge of pleasure and pain. Tilly's nipples were now fully erect, standing happily to full attention at Jen's continued attentiveness. Jen moved her left hand back up to caress Tilly's face and re-engaged their lips, powerful kisses now flew between the two as Tilly's arousal continued to heighten, and Jen became more forceful with her tongue.

Again she tried to move her arms and couldn't. She growled a little in annoyance.

"I want to touch." Jen tweaked Tilly's nipple hard enough to force a small whimper from her. Jen traced her tongue along Tilly's lips, and finished with a gentle bite on her lower lip.

"You don't get to touch with your hands. You haven't earnt the right to yet," Jen whispered, in a tone which might have seemed menacing had she not been fully naked and straddling her obviously aroused girlfriend. She forced her tongue back into Tilly's mouth, eagerly received, but only momentarily. She withdrew her mouth and sat upright on Tilly's lap, finally releasing Tilly's well worked nipple with a slight sigh. The positional difference in their bodies became apparent as Jen pushed her breasts into Tilly's face, allowing one of her nipples to lie on Tilly's lips, and gently she moved her body so it inched along them.

Tilly was in the final approach, her thrusts more intense, more focused, her moans filling the room. Jen was awash with lust and fervour, her mind racing with the heated exchange, every inch of her completely enveloped in the moment.

"You do get to touch with your mouth, though," and without hesitation Tilly took Jen's nipple firmly into her mouth, flicking her tongue over it, rolling and nibbling it between her teeth. Her eyes still covered, all she could do was feel her way round with her mouth, her brain was doing all the graphic imagining, the thought of the image before her somehow almost being made greater than the real thing. Muffled sounds pleasure escaped from Jen's lips at the activity taking place below her, as she pushed her other breast into Tilly's waiting mouth for the same treatment.

"A little harder," Jen uttered as she slid her hands down to the curve of Tilly's hips, her fingers gripped on to the slender waist under her fingers, a silent gasp escaping from her lips. She could feel the fire within her core, the ache that she knew Tilly would also be experiencing.

Jen arched her back, eventually she released her breast from Tilly's wet and hungry mouth, a sad sob echoing from her until Jen filled Tilly's mouth once again with her own. She slid her hand down from Tilly's waist to the waiting warmth between her legs. Jen could almost feel the heat pouring from her, pouring from them both, their sources of ultimate pleasure mere centimetres from each other. Lightly, Jen ran her fingers along Tilly's folds, her wetness undeniable, a slippery, slick sensation met her wandering fingers. Tilly inhaled sharply at the touch.

To Tilly's confusion Jen immediately broke their kiss and stood up, the blindfold affording her no clue as to why. Jen walked to the bed and grabbed a pillow and dropped it on the floor in front of Tilly before she dropped and knelt on it. She placed her hands on Tilly's thighs once more and looked up towards her face, seeking a response and slightly startled her willing captive. She licked her lips in anticipation.

"You are so beautiful," Jen said softly. Just looking at you gives me shivers. And to see you here, helpless in front of me, betrayed by your desire..." Jen ran her finger over Tilly's beckoning moistness again, feeling Tilly quiver at her touch and again licking her lips at the thought of the taste awaiting her..."it's almost more than I can take. My patience is exhausted," and in a swift movement she parted Tilly's legs with the hands that were still resting on her thighs and pushed her face deep within. Jen wrapped her arms around Tilly's back, grasping onto her buttocks as she tried to pull her in closer. The robe belt on Tilly's wrists keeping her firmly in place Jen was forced to move herself forward to events the place she adored. Jen's tongue and lips grazed against the sensitive skin, Tilly's aroma of arousal nothing short of intoxicating as Jen inhaled deeply, her mind swimming with the imminent gratification, allowing her tongue to gently lap around, searching and tasting the inviting wetness that flooded onto her tongue. Tilly could do nothing but moan at Jen's touch, and Jen felt herself melt at the sound of unfettered enjoyment from the woman quaking at her touch.

Jen broke contact to place small kisses up the length of Tilly's thighs, Tilly's quiet begging and pleading moans suggesting an immediate need for Jen to return, the hot breath against her so intimate and arousing, her own breath quickened as Jen returned with her tongue, and Tilly began to move her hips a little with the momentum. Jen flicked her tongue around a little more, until she finally took Tilly's clit in her mouth and delicately sucked as Tilly jumped a little at the sensation, feeling the energy pulsing through her still tried to push herself further into Jen. She began to squirm a little, a pleasurable squirm but restricted by her inability to move fully, which only sought to urge Jen on even more. The feeling of Jen's tongue running up and down her was exquisite, as she finally dipped in to the source of the wetness, causing even more reaction, Tilly bucked her hips as much as possible against Jen's face as she searched her tongue around in the most sacred of places, moaning and groaning as the pleasure continued to roll over her in increasingly greater waves.

"Uhmmff fuck, oh my god!" As often happened when Tilly was in such a state, a slew of profanity fell from her lips, which Jen found unbelievably erotic, knowing Tilly's subconscious carnal self was in control. Jen was slowly losing the battle with her personal carnal desires, feeling her own wetness slowly escaping from between her legs, her whole being consumed in pleasing Tilly, in delivering unimaginable pleasure.

Interspersed with regular returns to delight Tilly's clit, Jen was wholly consumed by her actions, feeling tilly's responses below her, but also her own overwhelming desire which as much as she wanted to fight against would have to wait.

Jen groaned and purred with delight, the situation unfolding exactly as she'd planned, Tilly helpless and begging at her touch.

"I want to look at you as you come," Jen growled, eyes aflame with obsession, and she reached around with her free hand and released the knot of the silk scarf allowing it to graze Tilly's shoulders as it felt silently to the floor, desperate to watch Tilly's eyes as she came. Jen pushed her shoulders under Tilly's legs, raising them off the floor in an attempt to seek a position where she could engage eye contact during her final onslaught. This made the sight of Tilly even more accessible in front of her and without hesitation she pushed her face back into the aching wetness, her final and most passionate actions, equally rough and gentle forced Tilly past the point of no return, and she came hard and fast as Jen looked in to her eyes, she fought to keep them open as the intensity of her orgasm told hold, throwing her head back at one point until Jen dug her fingers into Tilly's leg and she dropped her head to reconnect their eye contact once more. Jen continued to lick and suck, swirling her tongue around to ensure the pleasure waves continued as long as possible.

Once she knew Tilly was truly spent and completely sated, she slowed the pace gently until finally she finally released her mouth from Tilly, who was panting hard, gasping for breath, slumped in the chair, hands still bound behind her. Heavy legs shaking, which were still draped over Jen's broad shoulders. Jen lowered herself to release Tilly's legs so she could steady herself on the floor. She stood up and again sat herself down on Tilly's lap, lavishing kisses upon her still gasping mouth, playfully stealing her air. Pulling herself in closer, Jen slid her hands around the back of the chair and undid the belt that had held Tilly to ransom so effectively.

"It's good not to be in control sometimes, and to surrender yourself to the unknown," Jen fixed her gaze on Tilly, staring with seductive, twinkling eyes.

Tilly's arms were stiff as she finally brought them round to embrace Jen, but it was short lived as Tilly forced her hand down between the middle of them, searching for the wetness that she knew was sitting in her lap. As she touched Jen she realised just the effect she'd had on her, hot juices running down the inside of her thighs. Jen could manage only a deep moan initially, which was followed with a strained utterance.

"You do... this to me... I can't control myself... Around you." Jen's breathing was shallow, and as the heat rose within her, Tilly pushed a furiously powerful kiss into her and Jen finally came, letting out an almost deafening shout into Tilly's ear, Tilly could feel her fingers being clenched tightly. Having been made to wait on the edge so long and the sheer concentration needed to hold back her own release had all been dropped the instant Tilly touched her. Jen gripped her arms firmly round Tilly, digging in her nails a little, holding on, trying to stay conscious as she drowned in the pleasure as her legs wanted to give way beneath.

Eventually, Tilly forced Jen up, and pushed her over to the bed, where they both slumped down, breathing heavily, beads of sweat riven across their faces, in no rush to recover. Facing each other they clung on tightly, Tilly's head nestled into the crook of Jen's shoulder. Wrapped in each other's arms, relishing in the unspoken bond between them, listening only to the sounds of breathing.


End file.
